In My Father’s Words

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Pixabay

In My Father’s Words

Brian Matier

03/07/1938 – 18/10/2018

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A Father’s Journey Towards The Son

On the 18th October 2018 my Father Brian Matier died. He had been struck down by an aggressive liver and bowel cancer that killed him in a matter of months from the first diagnosis he received in June of that year. I suspect that he had been ill before that but had ignored much of the early warning signs as was his way of believing that he would live to 100. He had turned 80 in July of that year.

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May 2018

I had seen him in May and he looked very ill and had lost a lot of weight but he dismissed that as something else, notably a knee problem – again – true to style that he Brian Matier was perfect and could not be ill. Within weeks of my seeing him with a ‘knee injury’ he told his family he had been diagnosed with cancer and he was going to die.

It seems wrong that the very last photo of my Father and l together should be so very telling – me acting the fool, and Dad, well Dad not looking quite well at all. The photo was taken with a view to cheering him up, but he closed his eyes at the wrong moment. But this is the very last image of Father and Son together, which is sad.

Making life harder for everyone, Dad wasn’t a great patient, he was fiercely independent and didn’t wish to be in a hospital during his end days and started lying to all sorts of people and then forgetting who he had told what do, which hindered the health care packages my Sister l tried to administer to him.

His own family wanted him with them in North Wales and Dad, didn’t want for that – his wish was to die at home, surrounded by the things he loved the most and not die in a hospital ward. As his children, my Sister and l worked diligently to ensure that wish became a reality.

It did, my Father died at home surrounded by his memories at 3.05pm 18th October 2018.

R.I.P

***

Whilst my Sister and l had lost a Father, in essence we had lost two very different people – the relationship we shared with our Father was not the same for the other – it was differently unique. I knew my Father, but my Sister knew her Dad. I never really knew the Dad side to my Father in the later years of his life.  It wasn’t that l didn’t call him Dad, for l did, but it was simpler and yet more conflictive than that – my Sister saw more of her Father than l did. She has Children, and this made him a Grandfather, l do not.

But also Dad and l didn’t always see eye to eye, we were in many respects like chalk and cheese and misunderstanding and misinterpretation – we were different and indifferent to each other. We loved each other as Father and Son do and can, but we were not buddies, or closest friends and many a time not even allies singing from the same hymn sheet.

He thought me weird, strange and often, more often than many ever knew not a sound mind…. strangely enough l thought the same things of him too.

I can confirm and had known it for many years, that he was on the autism spectrum somewhere, like me. I was a diagnosed Aspergian, yet he refused to acknowledge any of that, as that would in his eyes mean he was faulty, and he couldn’t be seen as faulty or flawed. He was content knowing that his Son was the only faulty one, next to his ex-wife.

The truth had he ever allowed himself to view it was this … that we were more closely connected than he ever knew … which is even sadder in many respects, because perhaps and maybe, a chasm of indifference – two gaping sides could have been brought together towards the end.

***

I started this series dedicated to my Father in 2018, not long after his death. I discovered all of his ‘words’ in the style of short stories, fictionalised autobiographies, letters, diaries and an unfinished actual autobiography as l attended to the administrations of the estate itself.

My Sister accused me of not experiencing any grief with my Father’s death – that’s not entirely true.  Whilst my grief was not visible, it wasn’t that l didn’t or have not grieved his loss, l have – l cannot deny that l didn’t break down and sob at the news of his death, my instant reaction was one of relief – an end to an era. However during the course of this series, l have experienced more of a dry grieving process mostly down to a sense of loss of a Father that although l knew, there were aspects to him that l did not, mostly his love for writing.

My greatest grief has been to the fact that there could have been a more solid friendship and relationship between Father and Son than there was. I grieved the relationship that never was but could have been. He favoured to spend more time with my Sister than myself.

If anything my Father was a prolific writer, pretty much like his Son, it’s perhaps sadly only one of the main things we had in common. We knew that we both wrote, that we enjoyed writing. He knew l was fond of rhyming poetry, and stories of factuality concerning my life, and all l knew was that he attended writing class for almost ten years so that he could write and have published the ultimate love story so that he could dedicate that to his long lost love.

She walked out of his life in 1998 and they never got back together and for the remaining 20 years of his life he spent missing her, continuing to love her and writing about his love for her in his novels. The latter were never picked up by any publishing houses as it was not a genre they were willing to host, but also, his novel writing specifically wasn’t of the calibre they were looking to pursue.

However, still my Father wrote, short fiction, historical pieces and memoir styled stories which documented moments in his life. He never chose to once share any of these with his Son despite knowing that he would have found a very receptive audience with me.

He only ever sent a copies of his self published novels to a handful of people, myself included, but from what l can gather now, of the ten copies he had printed, perhaps 50% loyally read but many were tiring of seeing the same plot over and over again, and many a time, the books were discarded and binned.

I think the saddest part of all is that he DID have a gift for penmanship, just never decided to change course with his subject matter for publishing houses. I believe if he had of done, then he may well have become a published author and finally realised his forever dream of recognition.

I knew my Father, not perhaps the depth of his imagination to which he pledged into his fiction, but l knew him as a very different man growing up till indeed the time of his death. A dark and violent man who cared not for family as he would explain to others and have them believe, but a man who lived with demons all his life caused by a complete and utter lack of understanding into who he truly was and never allowing himself to be who he wanted to be.

He was a mask wearer like his Son – but unlike his Son who stopped wearing and tried to change, he never did not publicly and the only time the masks came off were during his final days.

Since my Father’s death this series has changed name twice: “The Father I Never Knew” and “My Father In Reflection”,the name of the series now is more in line with how it should reflect the content. “In My Father’s Words”, l have during this journey finally come to understand the hidden side of my Father – that whilst l suspected, could never confirm. I had many questions about my Father at the start of this series and of those questions, l have found the answers to perhaps 90%. Of course the series has not yet ended, but it has been a journey of discovery and of healing.

This series has helped me to understand more of myself, and in turn will help me pen later on this year 5 Shipsa Docking.

Memoir Story

Memoir Story

The Choir

Life and Death
The Witness
Outside The Door
The Drill Exam A Dish Eaten Cold
Sudden Wealth The Deepest Cut
The Deadline Home A Loan
Bora Da To You Too So You’d Like a Job
Stop That At Once An Act of Vandalism
Breathless Nowhere To Go
The House Train Journey
Writing as a form of Suicide Writing Class

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Memoir Story

Memoir Story

The St Valentine’s Day Messy Cure

The Holy Grail

Lies and Lying

Jaguar: A Love Requited

21st Century Tiger

A Walk in The Woods

It’s My Turn Now

Tyger Tyger Burning Bright

The Road to Hell

Toys

Masks

A Book Is Not Just For Christmas But For Life

Silence

Interpretation

Belated Greetings

A Working Man In My Prime

Where Would I Be Now?

Reflections of Life

The Huguenots – A People Betrayed

Enquiring Mind or Difficult Bastard?

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Memoir Story

Memoir Story

The Coming of The Twilight

Forests of the Night

The Fountains of Sorrow

The Lost Decade

One Hundred and Eighteen

Looking for Me: An Unfinished Story

Going, Going, Gone

And The Winner Is

Saint Valentine’s Day

Talking with a Stranger

The Collector

Songs For Aging Lovers

The Herald of Spring

The Toy Fair

Journeys Through Time and Space

The Garden Fence

Second Choice Is Not Always Second Best

Chris Barber and Me!

Letting Go

Buried Treasure

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Memoir Story

Memoir Story

A Cat’s Life

On The Beach

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My Unfinished Father

A Life Lived To The Full

Page No:

Date

My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 1

001 – 011

29 Jan 2019

My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 2

012 – 023

04 Feb 2019

My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 3

023 – 035

14 Feb 2019

My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 4

036 – 046

19 Feb 2019

My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 5

047 – 053

26 Feb 2019
My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 6

054 – 062

06 Mar 2019

My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 7

063 – 072

15 Mar 2019

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My Unfinished Father

A Life Lived To The Full

Page No:

Date

My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 8

072 – 080

15 Mar 2019 

My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 9

081 – 088

  21 Mar 2019 

My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 10 089 – 104
31 Mar 2019
My Unfinished Father – A Life Lived to the Full – Part 11 105 – 111 10 Apr 2019

 

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Post title – Short Fiction Tales
Two of a Kind
The Old Photograph Album
Awaiting Your Turn
The English Garden
Worried
Viewed from Afar
The Milkman
A Walk in the Autumn
Case 743/02 LAPD – The Diary, the Dachshund and the Yacht
A Little Chat
Looking Back
The Ghost in Whites
The Nun’s Story
Message in a Bottle
Spirits of the Times

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Post title – Short Fiction Tales

Some Days are Diamonds, Some Aren’t

Speed Limits

The Garden

The Misunderstanding

The Old House

Dusting Off The Angler

Talk Your Way Out Of this

Sisters

Shoeless Shores

School

A Modern Day Fairytale

Carpe Diem

In Service of the Queen, Comrade

No Enemies

Lost

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Post title – Short Fiction Tales

D Day Plus Eleven

Last Tango At Tescos

The Fog

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Post title – Historical

Disappointment

Circus

The Tunnel

Brave Men’s Blood

Good Day To Bury Bad News

Jubilee

Danny Boy

The Letter

The Vow

The Ashes 2003

Sacrifice

The Accused

One Was Missing

Ol’ Blue Eyes and his Ladies

No News is Good News; Sometimes

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Post title – Historical

Mistakes

No Excuse

Circus

Bunch of Old Keys

Cherchez Le Saint Graal

Colours

Sit Down

Sit Down Doctor

The Gypsy

The Parcel

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The Killing of Alex Millar 

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E1

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E2

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E3

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E4

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E5

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E6

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E7

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E8

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E9

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E10

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E11

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E12

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E13

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E14

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E15

The Killing of Alex Millar

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E16

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E17 & 18

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E19

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E20

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E21

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E22

Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E23
Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E24
Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar  E25
Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E26
Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E27
Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar E28
Novel Serialisation – The Killing of Alex Millar – Ep 29
The End

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