A Slice of Life

Those hiccupping uh-oh moments in life!

Have l told you that l nearly died on Monday night? Probably not; l mean we are only on Thursday …

For the last twelve days or so, l have been suffering from many aches and pains from my hands up to my elbows to my shoulders to my neck. Never mind the joint pains and swellings in my knees and my back. I have a constant painful stomach disorder and a complicated digestive system, which further conflict with my body.

Over the last three months, l have suspected that l might be suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, especially given how l have bashed my body through my life. But also, in recent periods, my body has been more of a combat zone than a pleasure dome.

I have done everything l can do to change my lifestyle to aid the digestive system. Still, it fails me. In the last eight years, the medical profession has further failed me by not recognising what the EFF is going on with my body. The most likely aggressor is chronic candida overgrowth, which has created an autoimmune disease for me. But sadly, l can’t get a formal diagnosis for that from the NHS. This, in turn, makes treating this condition very difficult in a conventional manner.

So l suspect that my body is starting to slowly deteriorate from the inside and worsen. No, l am not being all sad about it – these are l believe facts. Facts are logical and require no emotion. What is needed is confidence and a strong dose of self-belief that l can get through this, one way or another. It is trying at times and sorely tests me and my resolve.

I have wondered in recent times and more so with my own deep studies if l have developed a variation or mutation of Autoimmune polyendocrinopathy-candidiasis-ectodermal dystrophy based upon my own symptoms and how they have changed over the years and not gotten better, but gotten worse.

This would explain many of the issues l am experiencing today and for the last five years now. However – I am no doctor, but l have been worsening health-wise, especially since 2010, so for 11 years, my body has been failing me. Fine, let’s remove the grandiose long-windedness of APECED and simply say, l have now developed an autoimmune disease.

Making matters worse is that my ability to digest foods properly and more damningly with a broken mouth and no functional back teeth to help break food down properly is now proving seriously detrimental to my overall health.

I eat a very bland diet comprising very few prime ingredients – l look back at what l have cut out of my life since 2015 and what l introduced, and it worries me. There is no enjoyment in eating anymore, many a time l don’t have an appetite for what l do eat, it’s sad really for this chef!

Today, l am supposed to be a healthier man; l don’t smoke, drink alcohol, eat red meat, sweets or confectionaries, chocolate, or processed foods. I don’t burn the candle at both ends anymore, and l am in bed before midnight most nights. I wish l could say l enjoy great sleep, l don’t – but l do sleep. I am not overweight, and I am way more physically active now than ever before. Yet, despite all these so-called lifestyle changes for the better – my health is worsening.

Last weekend, l felt slightly off, achy and pains in places and a general run downiness. I put it down to being tired from the Open Day in the reserve and walking around in the cold and wet…

Monday night, after dinner and of all the places l could be sitting – l was on the toilet. Whilst getting up, my life suddenly changed.

Sudden sheerly aggressive pain in my chest area!!

It was like someone was putting their foot down on my chest and pressing hard and squeezing my sides together – a breath-stealing moment, and l was floored. I quickly sorted myself out as best as l could and tried to straighten up. Still, my chest was exploding! Pain all at once was everywhere, up and down my arms, shortness of breath, pain in my neck, I couldn’t breathe, nearly passing out.

I managed to call out to Suze, and she dashed upstairs, and l could see her standing there shocked. Ashen faced – l could see her desperately trying to take in the situation, trying to figure what to do. I don’t recall ever seeing her that frightened before ….

……….. but the pain was so intense, and l lay there on my bed writhing in absolute agony … and all l could think of was “Uh oh, this is it, l am outta here, just not the way l intended and curses that l don’t have a proper will ready!”

The attack lasted perhaps fifteen minutes, and even now, days on since it happened, l feel bruised and strained, pained and drained. I am taking it easy because l don’t know what it was. I don’t feel ill, and l don’t feel unwell, not in the usual sense of the word, but l don’t feel right. I didn’t go to the reserve on Wednesday because l didn’t have the energy to lug about logs and the like. I don’t have the time to be ill; l am always busy. But l would rather be at home, making it marginally easier than potentially collapsing at the reserve!

I don’t think it was a heart attack, although l did wonder about that as l lay there thinking l was nearly dying on Monday night. I think it’s something to do with my autoimmune system, and it was most likely chronic indigestion of some sort. But l have said l will give it all a week to recover and see how l am over the coming weekend. If this pain persists, l will try and get an appointment with the doctor for some basic blood tests, which is a significant hardship anyway.

Despite being instructed by the government to see patients, the doctor’s surgeries are STILL only holding telephone appointments and refusing to see people! Sandwich is no better. I have been here since July of last year, and l am yet to even set foot in that surgery for my so-called ‘welcome checkup’. All the surgeries want to do is send people to the already overwhelmed hospitals!

The hospitals already have major issues going on with the yearly flu cases and nevermind the covid cases which are still high, so unless l am literally dying l have no intention of setting foot in a hospital. I am not one of these people who takes a slight knock or scrape and insists on calling an ambulance or sitting in the casuality department and not being bothered about waiting for 12 hours! Trust me folks, this is happening!

After working on the wormeries yesterday with the castings harvest which is still to continue today. l finished and packed up, l came in physically shattered after only four hours working and went to bed for an hour at half three in the afternoon which is unusual for me and all of last night whilst not feeling dreadfully ill, l felt exhausted and just feeling generally ‘off and very light-headed.

Of all the uh-oh moments in my life l have experienced, l have to genuinely say, this was one of the most disturbing. However, something else … not many people know this about me. But as l lay there afterwards recovering from that episode l came to understand and accept that had l died that night – it would not have bothered me.

That’s coming from soneone that is very confident as a person with strong self-belief and has no depression of any sort, just cold hard reality and yet l have never truly valued life – l never truly have. It was interesting thinking for sure.

The worse thing about being dead is not the being dead part as that’s easy – it’s the dying part that makes death complicated. If l was to die l wouldn’t want there to be any terrible pain, and yet there l was moments before writhing in absolute agony wishing it would simply stop!

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22 thoughts on “A Slice of Life

  1. Bloody hell, Rory… I know the current situation is difficult, but you really need to be checked over. I don’t think it’s normal that you are still feeling exhausted from it, say if it was a panic attack, I know they can affect everyone differently. I don’t want to make assumptions as to what it could have been, but please get checked over. Hope you start to feel less exhausted soon X

    1. Hey Ami,

      Mm, it is a tad concerning, especially given how l have palpatations most days now, but l suspect it is something innocent. i have started the ball rolling to hopefully see a doctor locally though. This is the fouth attack in three months and it was way worse than the others, so l guess it’s time to take notice.

  2. I hate doctors, I hate hospitals – especially these days with the added stress of covid but even I would have gotten my sorry a$$ to a medical facility. I don’t really know much about your health system – but being seen by a doctor seems of paramount importance. I know – uninformed advice is useless but – Geeze Louise…

    1. Yeah, l did wonder if it was. i don’t think it was, but my mother has a history of heart problems.

      It might just be something like angina. But l will go and see a doctor and get some bloods done and a check up.

  3. This seems very disturbing Rory. See a doctor asap. I hope the pain never comes back but it could be anything. So a doctor or hospital is a must. Take care and look after yourself

  4. 🥺🙏🏼 im with you on the dying… when i go, i say let it be painless and peaceful. Im ok with death too. Even though im in a generally good mood, the wearisome world is becoming too much. Luckily i reside in my dreams where Eden exists. The world? Those who inhabit it are exhausting. Well, except for a few. Be well Rory, as best you can. Thankfully you had someone with you! Grateful for your presence. 🕯🐚🗝🕊🙏🏼

    1. Hey Jeanne – many thanks for the greetings – here’s hoping you too are keeping well 🙂

      I think especially now, more and more people are developing more of a realistic and pragmatical view regarding death and so on.

      1. Death has lost its sting. What is coming to this world is much more frightening. Yes, i am taking care. All the best. Jeanne 🌊🐚🗝🕯🙏🏼🕊

    1. Hey Gary, many thanks – as suspected. I got through to the surgery this morning, only to be advised to go to A&E. The worse thing is the Dr admitted to having everything needed to help me out at the surgery but wanted me to go to the hospital first!

      QEQM is in Margate and has one of the slowest and busiest A&E departments in Kent, with an average of 9 hours wait time from time of arrival to discharge.

      Waiting in there would be too stressful for me.

      No thanks. I’ll take my chances.

  5. Oh, Rory, I hope you get to see a doctor soon! Just being able to pinpoint what the problem is may be a calming resolution. From what you describe, it could be anything. Wishing you well.

      1. We are living in difficult times, Rory, and I understand how difficult it is to see a doctor. I wish you the best of luck.

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