Rediscovering The Inner You ….
I read a post this morning that was not written in a critical form against me nor have l taken any offense so please don’t worry, but it was curious perhaps with regards some of my recent actions in my blog and the changes l am implementing and l thought, okay this is a very fair observation and it’s not the first time that these changes of mine have been queried and made reference to in the last couple of months, so l thought l would just write a brief note. It is brief because l am still working on rediscovering who l am and who l want to be but l am pleased to say l am slowly getting there.
I started writing for myself at a young age, l remember the very first story l wrote l was just under the age of 7 in 1970 and it was a story about where l lived – which was in Malaysia. A truly beautiful and vibrant country where l had at that time lived since 1968 – the story was about how much l would miss Malaysia when we all moved back to Australia as a family. My father was with the RAAF and had been stationed in Butterworth in 1968 and he had moved his family into Malaysia. In 1968, l was 5, my sister was 3.
I carried a copy of that story with me for many years in my wallet until one day it was no longer in my possession … my wallet had been stolen! I still have my memories though of Malaysia and that first ever story l wrote. I kept it because it was a story of significance for me.
From the age of 7 l started to read and write and explore more and as l read and wrote l discovered more of me and about me .. l loved to write, l loved to read and l was always eager to know who l was. The latter has been a conflict of mine for years, long before my diagnosis of bipolar in 2004 and long before my Asperger’s diagnosis in 2008 … l was always passionate about writing and creating words to be published or just read and seen by others.
In my mid to later twenties I used to create training guides and some of them were very comprehensive manuals, very text heavy, but they used to inspire the readers and l was always thrilled when something l had written made an impact of significance on someone’s life … l had done my job, but more importantly my words had been seen and my voice had been heard.
I don’t just write to be read, l write to be heard and l like to write to inspire. I don’t just write for myself, l have always written specifically for others. It’s not that l never write for myself ……… l do and l have but l like to tell stories and l like to entertain but above everything, l like to be authentic.
The internal identity conflicts l have been experiencing this year have been frightening, and sometimes exhausting ….. but l realised that l had to make some very serious changes in my life if l wanted to be happy and content again, something which l currently am not. I am not happy with who l am, who l have become … so l am altering that. I have torn away many of the masks l was wearing and that might be startling or alarming to some folks – it is not intended to upset anyone .. but we have to be true to ourselves and something Renard wrote the other day that stuck in my mind and l have been thinking of it ever since and why?
Because he wrote he was proud of his published content and for a while this confused me because it is not a term l would attach to my created content … but it is no different to writing to be heard, writing to be seen and writing content that makes a difference, an impact or a motion of significance to another person. [My thanks to your inspiration Renard] I miss that feeling, and l felt that the content l was and had been producing wasn’t satisfying to me anymore – l had to change that. We all write for a reason, we all write for various reasons – we all write to be read. But not everyone writes to be heard, they write to be read only, but equally many write to be heard too.
I have been downscaling my blog for the last two years, l wanted to concentrate on writing content that offered me more personal contentment, writing that meant something, writing that allowed me to rediscover me again. None of these changes is meant to alienate any of you, and if anyone feels that way, please don’t … l am just seeking me again. In order to achieve that l had to break parts of me to rebuild them differently, break parts of this blog and rebuild them differently too – to make thoughts craft differently. This blog had to become a deeply journeying blog only and that was hard for me to create from what it was. I think what confuses the most is that you are seeing me differently to how you have seen me, but for those of you who knew me back when l first started this blog, you should recognise me.
I keep saying l will write on it in more detail and eventually l will, just not today.
Anyway, thanks for reading, catch you next time.
Ps: For those interested in the Gardening series – Season 7 Doin’ The Dirt … Eh – Summer 2021 has recently just started again.