Dear Blog – 14.12 – 05/07/21

To not be who we used to be.

I have had one of those weekends, you know the ones that you are unsettled and whatever you do nothing is destined to go right? It was one of those …. way too many deeply provocative thoughts and strains of reason were jiggling around upstairs inside the grey matter. I had a goodish weekend, but not a fantastically inspiring weekend – it was just sort of ‘okay’.

It was so exciting on Saturday that here l am on Monday and l cannot for the life of me actually remember what l did with the day itself – it just seemed to pass – l took a walk and the weather was slightly colder and so l wore a coat and had my headphones in and walked in deep thought around the Ramparts and then l piddled about for the day and then in the evening l took a walk in the reserve and l didn’t need to wear the coat because it was boiling hot. Quite a turnaround from the morning ….

It’s not that l don’t remember what l did – it is just that it wasn’t significant in any way shape or form, and it is significance as a subject that has been playing or is it plaguing or even preying on my mind of late and in turn causing many a deep thought with me. Probably a mixture of all three.

In the last few weeks including an email l read from a friend only this morning, people refer to the ‘ageing Aspie’ in me and how it is causing me to look at things differently and l can acknowledge that with the term ‘evolved’, l have simply evolved again, like my blog has evolved since January of this year equally as much as January of whatever year since l first created it. I keep evolving and l keep changing, and that does take a toll on you eventually and more so if the changes or evolving’s are traveling faster than you might wish.

I remember some time ago, it was 2 years after my Asperger’s diagnosis in 2008, when l was in the process of writing a book which at that time was to be named “Yesterday’s Adult. Tomorrow’s Child – Inside the Darkness” Which was a deep look into the dark side of autism, or rather my autism. I did write that book, but the people who proof read it, said it was too dark and didn’t show Asperger’s in a fair light ………….. but it was the truth through my eyes.

There is a very dark side to autism, that is not often written about on and from a personal level and mostly only addressed from a medical view or from a psychology viewpoint and perspective. That book YATC was shelved and a new book was written called Dancing in the Grey – Rory Matier which l know some of you have read as l published it to the blog here a couple of years ago and l found myself thinking on that over the weekend, and also more so after a post l wrote yesterday and some of the comments within – that sparked more thoughts within me.

Mostly about this whole ageing autism thing – it made me travel back to the time l was researching for my own book when trying to find out two things specifically – 1] articles on the ageing Aspie and 2] the dark side to Asperger’s Syndrome, both were equally as hard to source out information on back in 2010. The new book was written in 2015 and whilst l was pleased with it, l still wasn’t totally happy – in the five years from the first book to the second book, l had changed and evolved significantly and here l am six years later and again l have evolved but this time profoundly so and is this a natural ageing process for me or is it a natural process for my Asperger’s? A huge question indeed.

Only yesterday did l discuss with Suze several articles l wrote back in 2015 which were published originally on The Tee Shirt Blogger in 2018 and then reblogged in this blog in 2019, that were originally written in support to the Classic Eggshell Moments designs l had created at the same time and how different l was to that person and not just the designs but so too the book, Dancing in the Grey and how would l view those articles and that manuscript today? Would l write them the same way?

No, most assuredly not ….

I emailed a friend last night and asked what she thought of me rewriting/updating those early Asperger’s posts? She agreed it would be a good idea as did my Suze too, which then got me to further thinking about maybe the book needs reviewing again and rewriting and doing something solid with it – it’s not a masterpiece, but l was vaguely pleased with the end result … but it wasn’t complete. I thought about whether it would help other ageing Aspies like me? Who knows, but it is something l am looking into again – somewhere in my future – maybe.

But those articles l wrote and there were quite a few in support of the original designs, they do need updating for sure … l mean the original designs themselves back in 2015 numbered 90, and today in the shop l only have 45 for sale. I have dropped 50% of the entire collection since 2016 because they no longer represent me anymore, l have changed as a person that distinctly, l have evolved constantly since 2016.

We all change, we all should change – it’s almost like a duty to ourselves to change. To not be who we used to be.

Yes, l will be looking at those in the coming weeks, it will be fascinating from my perspective to see how much l have changed from the words written 6 years ago. Maybe, this might help to balance me out a little – whilst l can live alone very well by myself, there are times when another person aids the balancing more .. l think l am feeling that of late. Maybe also, they might help others to understand things.

Thanks for reading catch up with you all again .

19 thoughts on “Dear Blog – 14.12 – 05/07/21

  1. I wonder how many people never thought they would be where they are at this stage of their life. I ponder it often. We grow, we change, we deal with the new. Good for you for examining and reexamining your writing.

    1. Thanks Lauren, l think when we review we learn a bit more about ourselves that we missed from before because we were always in too much of a rush to get the the later parts.

  2. Living is a constant process of change. And it is fascinating to look back are read what we were thinking and feeling few years back.

  3. Evolving is a good word. Our circumstances and environment do play a part. Humans resist change, but MUST change… evolve, and adapt to match their circumstances.

    Some of us jump head first into whatever the latest “new & improved” is

    Some of us are dragged, kicking and screaming into change… or maybe left to “rot”, miserable and alone

    Most of us are somewhere in the middle, complaining about it, but finding our way eventually.

    Having years of blog posts, or even hard copy journals, and revisiting can be very instructive. We can see how much, (or little) we’ve evolved. We can reevaluate goals to see if they’ve been met or are even still relevant.

    I think that the “dark side” of any subject is good to have information available on. Autism/Asperger is STILL lacking in available information, and we (all society, those of us who have a loved one with ASD, and especially ASD folks looking to elders for guidance on what to expect) could use this info!! Yes, each person is different, but there ARE similarities.

    1. Hey Grandma, very true – we all need to evolve otherwise sadly we devolve and l am not in the mood for that. Life’s already too short 🙂

      Yes, the lack of information is STILL abysmal.

  4. I think the evolution of you would flat out be helpful to others, past and all. In my humble opinion don’t delete, update to show progress and change to give others hope!

    1. Hey Lisa, worry not, the debate l was undergoing to delete was at the start of the year for about three months, then l decided to keep it going – but split the blog personality three ways 🙂

      Harder than l thought it would be, but getting there 🙂

  5. Why change the books entirely? They were once you, you could have a series of books throughout stages of your life. Wouldn’t that represent Autism/Asperger’s fairly as each stage wouldn’t be the same?

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