Yesterday’s Poetical Reflections

Welcome to Yesterday’s Poetical Reflections – a sub – series of my poetry directory in which l shall ‘reblog’ some of my previously published content.

Poetry Directory

Reflections of Yesterday

I could ask you a thousand questions Father….
Yet need the answer to only one,
My memory may at times falter,
…But it is not completely undone,

What did l learn from you…?
…That my Mother did not teach me,
A question l oft ask myself true,
… But l just don’t see,

How very much alike we are these days,
Whether you see it or not as l do,
Genetically l learned your ways,
Luckier for me, my footsteps are new,

Meaning that you did not teach me the way to be,
It was a reflection,
Of another entity,
Struggling for perfection,

I see you in me, and understand more than you think,
But do you understand me,
Or am l to you just out of sync,
For like you l too am orientated Aspergically,

I could ask you a thousand questions Father….
Yet need the answer to only one,
Was there really the need for such violent behaviour?
Aimed at your children and our Mum?

I understand that your anger came from your yesterday,
When your Father treated you just as bad,
But was it really necessary for you to display,
And express through your fists when you were mad,

Irrelevant to whether or not it was we at fault,
Or reflections from another time,
Which were guilty of making you shout,
And indulging in your rages to act in brutal crime,

Confusion can be a terrible emotion to manage,
Often leading to upset and turmoil,
Yet why did you not break the cycle and lessen the damage,
And walk away when everything came to the boil?

Or was it just way too easy to show us your power,
Making us all so very afraid,
Worrying whether today we would again have to cower,
Because you had succumbed to yet another rage!

And look at us now, both you and me,
Living alone as we do,
You because of your hostility,
And me because of my fear of being like you,

I have never struck another person unlike some,
Who do not think twice,
About striking out at their children or their Mum,
With fists of iron and a mind of ice,

I have had a few relationships with the fairer sex,
Sadly like you none of these were to last,
For l am often accused of neglect,
Or being too selfish, which as an insult makes me laugh,

I use not my disorderly dysfunctioning as an excuse,
Despite it puzzling and riddling me daily,
And thankfully l am not prone to dishing out abuse,
Although l suffer from memories which are ghostly,

For memories are with us forever, of this no one can deny,
And whilst time can be a great healer of the broken emotion,
Some of the learning’s from our past are best left to lie,
So as to not cause us upset and inner commotion,

Yet with every breath that l take these days,
And each memory that comes to visit,
I must make amends within so as to not cause further affray,
Hence why now on pen and paper do l commit,

Slumbering giants fit for an elephant’ graveyard,
Or retreating echoes from yesterdays’ reflections,
Footsteps from long ago which were hard,
To retrace and walk back down darkened alleys in ruins,

If l have one thing to say Father, it would be this,
As a youngster you caused me so much upset,
Over time and years since then l have to learned to forgive,
But don’t ever expect me to forget,

What did l learn from you Father l ask myself now,
I learned how not to act like a hardened reflection of yesterday,
Yet have never learned how,
To simply forget those yesterdays.

© Rory Matier 2010

Written in 2010, a year which saw me look back over many years before, and think deep and hard – a journey within a journey.

Today 03rd July 2021 … l awoke this morning and lay in bed thinking and muttered ‘Happy Birthday Dad’ – if he had still been alive, he would have been 83. He passed away October 2018, now nearly three years ago and l have been thinking of him in recent weeks. We were not close. But it wasn’t through a lack of me trying either, it was merely because l was not my sister – my father couldn’t be a grandfather to my children either – for l have no children. In his eyes l was never good enough to be his son .. that’s really the truth – but for everything – l did love him, he was after all – my father.

I don’t miss him like some might expect, but l wouldn’t have wished his death and the way he died so very quickly after his cancer diagnosis on anyone – he went from a powerful man to a husk in a matter of weeks. I have been thinking about his death and not so much his life … because he just gave up. He wasn’t going to see Christmas that year, he just stopped caring

I sometimes wonder if that is how l might be?

Would l fight for life if l knew l was dying and there was no cure or would l be like him and just give up and allow the Reaper to swish the blade at the time and just be done with my life?

I don’t know.

I hope he has finally found his peace.

15 thoughts on “Yesterday’s Poetical Reflections

  1. Such a powerful poem Rory. You’ve written with forgiveness in your heart, acknowledging his faults and your love for him.

    1. Hey Sadje, life is too short to hold grudges – l wish both my parents learned this and yet now that my father is dead – my mother seemingly can’t yet allow her self to move on.

      I did love my father – not perhaps as others might love their parents .. but l tried.

      1. You’re absolutely right Rory that life is too short to hold grudges and forgiveness brings out own peace. If more people realized this, there would be less unhappiness in the world today.

  2. I have a kind of love for my mother. It had evolved over time. I can logically understand why she was/is the way she was/is, but that doesn’t mean I need it in my life.

    Family is tough. I sometimes think I should feel more. She IS my mother after all. She was more neglectful than abusive, but that creates it’s own pain and baggage.

    Bottom line is, we aren’t *required* to feel any certain way for any of our family, IMO. Forgiveness is good for us. It frees us from some of the pain. Forgetting is neither necessary or wise… also, IMO. Forgetting might lead to crossed boundaries and that’s just trouble.

    I wonder if your father ever found happiness. Was he ever satisfied and content? So many people spend their entire lives chasing mirage.
    I can’t imagine ever giving up. I would plan a Euthanasia (legal in California) Party, and choose my date if I truly had a cancer or something that wasn’t treatable. But I would live every moment until I took my final sleep.

    2010 was a big year for deep thinking. Here you are 10-11 years later, doing more deep thinking. Should we be prepared for changes and deep thoughts in 2031 or so? That my approximate “running away” time🤨🤔

    1. I have become more thoughtful in deep state for most of this year l think.

      My father when he was alive was never happy past 1999 when his ‘true love’ left him and yet my mother who maintains she has found happiness will not let the past go ever.

  3. Dear Rory, as always, your poems speak louder than words, for what lies between the lines is even more strongly felt. My heart aches for all you have suffered and yet, it has made you who you are, a wonderful considerate man. God Bless your sweet Soul. 💞

    1. Hey Betty – thank you – l am pleased that l became who l am and didn’t turn into my father. Sadly my sister cannot say the same or rather ‘couldn’t’, because l haven’t spoken to her since May 2019 when she decided to stop speaking to me again. She had become terribly influenced by dad and developed a hatred/disdain towards family and generally people, nowt as strange as folk as they say.

      1. How sad indeed, for she has lost such Joy in denying herself the love and understanding only siblings can share.

        We can never change another, no matter what we do, or how hard we try. We can only change our own viewpoint of the relationship by realizing they do not know how to behave any differently or they would.

        I pray you can be at peace with this, Rory, for it truly is her loss not yours. And, if the truth be known, you have so many wonderful gifts and interests and find such Joy in nature that she is hardly missed. 😊

        1. Hey Betty 🙂

          I used to try and connect with my sister so many times before dad passed, but she was so hurtful in her comments towards me. My aspergers was a weapon used against me by both my father and my sister that after a while, l stopped trying – for no matter what l said or did, l was always wrong.

          Life’s just too short to keep chasing some things – so yes, l found peace in the fact that our family was just that way and to stop beating myself up over it.

        2. I remember what a difficult time it was for you, Rory and the wounds they both inflicted. I’m so proud of you for working so hard to overcome all that. I hope you are proud of yourself too, for It’s a great accomplishment.

  4. It’s good you can reflect back, Rory, as I feel it offers you a certain amount of closure. You mention “l was never good enough to be his son” but, you know our parents are only human so perhaps he wasn’t good enough to be your father. Powerful poem, Rory!

    1. Hey Eugenia, dad and l were never close because l always quipped back to him in response to those words = ‘What makes you think the same doesn’t apply to you then?” He didn’t like people answering him back or questioning his authority – my sister allowed him to control her life because he paid for everything and she was therefore his favourited everything.

      I didn’t and lived my own life and he didn’t like that because l didn’t hero worship him.

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