|“You must have a level of discontent to feel the urge to want to grow.”|
Deep Thoughts and More Changes Ahead!
I am not bored, l work very hard with me to not get bored, as bored just feels lazy and l am at my own concession far from lazy even if at times l procrastinate and can do so at a great pace – but l am not bored. Yet l am unhappy, yet not – l am not unhappy in the usual sense of the word – but l am unhappy in the other sense of the word and l have been unhappy in the other sense for most of this year. I am not unhappy with x, y and z, but l am unhappy with a, b and c …… so l am not bored and yet l am bored, and l am not unhappy and yet l am unhappy but neither of those two either and yet …. still a level of discontentment runs deep.
I have struggled with inner dissatisfactions this year as much as l have with internal conflicts … the splitting up of my personality more than a mere three ways or as l propose the 3 sides to 1 – because there are more than three sides to me, but they are the main three, the personal and creative side the business side and the strategy side – those three sides have caused me the absolute annoyance this year alone!
Lots of other things have caused me to conflict this year … people too – people always cause me stress and overwhelm – as l say, less people you know, less shit you have! It’s true – society and sociality cause me stress – trying to understand each and all can be awkward at times. Basically, people are a nightmare. Life would be incredibly easy if not for people!
So, not bored, but bored, not unhappy, but unhappy and what does that mean then? Conflicted and struggling with internal conflicts – oh the joys ….. well l think the reality is that for a man who requires lots of stimulation – l am just not being stimulated enough ….. which means l am not being challenged and l am hoping that by the end of this year, the stresses will calm down when the challenges are higher and increased. When the stresses of today are being productive in energised levels – that’s the goal, that’s the target – that’s my plan ……….
I have changed so much from the person l was of this time last year .. where was l last year? Dear Blog – 13.15 – 26/06/20 recovering from a garden injury of some sort and the house was slowly breaking down with a view towards Suze and l separating and living in two different houses.
So the last 12 months have witnessed incredible changes and transformations to my personality on all levels – emotionally, physically, personally and mentally. My lifestyle changed, my environment changed, my personality has changed, my individuality emerged properly and some of the biggest changes have been to my blog ….. this year alone, the last six months especially has seen the Guy blog really change and with those changes came increased levels of stress – more stress than l sometimes write, and with that increased stress .. the realisation that social overwhelm with me was a real thing as was a lack of authentic behaviour from people and this is when the Asperger’s makes its presence known, because autism at times can be like a dog with a bone, a real nagging at things, a case of think and overthink and examine and it’s exhausting – it tires you out and makes you wonder WHY you started down this path? This quest? This search for the Holy Grail of Truth?
I will be glad to see the end of this year, because if l thought that emotionally 2020 was plenty, 2021 has been far from fun – l am unhappy, and l am bored, and l am unstimulated and unchallenged …… but the good news is as with all change or changes or changing is that soon it will all be done and that is what was needed …. but as much as l have worked on this and welcomed these changes … l will be bloody glad when everything is finally changed, and l can just get on with chasing my contentment and happiness again – well l hope so anyway.
I suppose the best bit is, as bored as l am, l don’t really have the time to be bored ……. that’s a blessing as l hate being truly bored because it is so boring!
Thanks for reading catch up with you all again .