Dear Blog – 14.15 – 26/06/21

“You must have a level of discontent to feel the urge to want to grow.”

Idowu Koyenikan

Deep Thoughts and More Changes Ahead!

I am not bored, l work very hard with me to not get bored, as bored just feels lazy and l am at my own concession far from lazy even if at times l procrastinate and can do so at a great pace – but l am not bored. Yet l am unhappy, yet not – l am not unhappy in the usual sense of the word – but l am unhappy in the other sense of the word and l have been unhappy in the other sense for most of this year. I am not unhappy with x, y and z, but l am unhappy with a, b and c …… so l am not bored and yet l am bored, and l am not unhappy and yet l am unhappy but neither of those two either and yet …. still a level of discontentment runs deep.

I have struggled with inner dissatisfactions this year as much as l have with internal conflicts … the splitting up of my personality more than a mere three ways or as l propose the 3 sides to 1 – because there are more than three sides to me, but they are the main three, the personal and creative side the business side and the strategy side – those three sides have caused me the absolute annoyance this year alone!

Lots of other things have caused me to conflict this year … people too – people always cause me stress and overwhelm – as l say, less people you know, less shit you have! It’s true – society and sociality cause me stress – trying to understand each and all can be awkward at times. Basically, people are a nightmare. Life would be incredibly easy if not for people!

So, not bored, but bored, not unhappy, but unhappy and what does that mean then? Conflicted and struggling with internal conflicts – oh the joys ….. well l think the reality is that for a man who requires lots of stimulation – l am just not being stimulated enough ….. which means l am not being challenged and l am hoping that by the end of this year, the stresses will calm down when the challenges are higher and increased. When the stresses of today are being productive in energised levels – that’s the goal, that’s the target – that’s my plan ……….

I have changed so much from the person l was of this time last year .. where was l last year? Dear Blog – 13.15 – 26/06/20 recovering from a garden injury of some sort and the house was slowly breaking down with a view towards Suze and l separating and living in two different houses.

So the last 12 months have witnessed incredible changes and transformations to my personality on all levels – emotionally, physically, personally and mentally. My lifestyle changed, my environment changed, my personality has changed, my individuality emerged properly and some of the biggest changes have been to my blog ….. this year alone, the last six months especially has seen the Guy blog really change and with those changes came increased levels of stress – more stress than l sometimes write, and with that increased stress .. the realisation that social overwhelm with me was a real thing as was a lack of authentic behaviour from people and this is when the Asperger’s makes its presence known, because autism at times can be like a dog with a bone, a real nagging at things, a case of think and overthink and examine and it’s exhausting – it tires you out and makes you wonder WHY you started down this path? This quest? This search for the Holy Grail of Truth?

I will be glad to see the end of this year, because if l thought that emotionally 2020 was plenty, 2021 has been far from fun – l am unhappy, and l am bored, and l am unstimulated and unchallenged …… but the good news is as with all change or changes or changing is that soon it will all be done and that is what was needed …. but as much as l have worked on this and welcomed these changes … l will be bloody glad when everything is finally changed, and l can just get on with chasing my contentment and happiness again – well l hope so anyway.

I suppose the best bit is, as bored as l am, l don’t really have the time to be bored ……. that’s a blessing as l hate being truly bored because it is so boring!

Thanks for reading catch up with you all again .

36 thoughts on “Dear Blog – 14.15 – 26/06/21

  1. 🤔 Rory, not all people are a nightmare. There are wonderful people out there ― the type of people that are worth interacting with.

    Personally, I do not think that you should become annoyed with the various aspects of yourself because they are all a part of you.

    Having a creative side, a business side and a strategy side are all good things; they help to make you a well-balanced person.

    Life may not be perfect at the moment, but you can always be happy with what you already have in your possession.

    Do enjoy the rest of your day, my friend!

    1. Hey Renard,

      Discontentment runs deep within many of us, but it’s down to us to identify the causes and do something about it. Equally if we are the ones causing the same discontentment within ourselves, we too must work towards balancing the struggles. That’s what l am doing. Of course, not ALL people are a nightmare – but many are and that is my bone of contention – with the many that are as opposed to the few that are not.

      Hope you are having a lovely day. 🙂

    1. Hey Lauren, this is so true .. the thing is l am not bored in the usual sense of the word as equally l am not unahppy in the usual sense of the word, l am merely discontented with things at present and the growth is there and is growing ……. just slower than l would like.

      The other thing that l haven’t written here is the realisations that l am really changing so fast, l am struggling to keep up with my own pace.

        1. It’s a lot like that ….. l will write about it all in due course … it’s been part and parcel of my blogging journey, but there are things that l am really struggling with at present and l am not sure if ‘l’ am struggling or if ‘my autism’ is struggling with and whatever it or they are, l am trying to find a balance.

  2. You’ve such a creative mind. I’m sure many new things are brewing in this boredom that you are feeling that’s why you don’t have time to be bored ☺️

  3. Wow! I totally get this, and have had similar thoughts and feelings.
    I don’t have the mind running all the time thing, but we’re different in how we “ponder”. You are a deep thinker, and while I do like to explore all the corners, I do it more as a sensing, gut reaction kind of thing, rather than using my logic and brain, if that makes sense.

    You have done things over 2020, and into 2021, that I would’ve said were nearly impossible for you. Your “Mental Yoga” has been amazing! Just incredible. Humans don’t like change, and Aspie humans like it even less. You should be very proud of how well you’ve done, and continue to do.

    Maybe the bored/unhappy are partly caused by the Aspie saying “okay, enough already! Get it sorted into the correct files and neatly labeled please”😉

    And I’m sure you’re ready to be settled into a “base camp” so you can go climb mountains… metaphorically… or literally 😉😂💌

    1. Hey Grandma, well you know me pretty well and have known some of my real stresses this year alone, so you know where l am coming from with some of this ……….. yes we do think differently you and l but we although approaching from different angles and sensations can reach our destinations usually in the same frame of time.

      There is a lot now, and l am approaching a peak, but also l am fast accepting that some changes need to be implemented now over later as some might do and other changes l have to wait for patiently but the Aspie whilst agreeing with you as in FFS Matier you need to slow down a tad before you adrenalise blow but equally, it’s saying walk grasshopper, walk – not run – control your steps!!

      So near, so far, but its getting nearer, so not, so far now……………….. but some labelised formality would be nice too.

  4. That’s ok … I also conflict with areas of myself…

    But oohhh … the less people know? I don’t see that way?? I don’t like that way / that would be dangerous for me.

    I look at it this way … if I say everything, as much as I am comfortable with and able, then I know who is sincere in my life and who can handle.

    When you put yourself out there the right people come flooding into your life – but it’s ok you don’t have to worry … even if you aren’t social – they will understand you ❤️❤️❤️

    Well anyway, went like that for me. Plus since I say most things … I am free from them??

    I can also tell you I haven’t touched social media since July 9, 2019 – the day of my final surgery.

    It was tense for me – too much… so I let go ✌️😘 I do believe it creates mental issues and pulls you in. Absolutely believe it can cause depression!

    But this is all I have and I am happy with it as is ❤️ I love the community here – you are all brilliant and supportive 🙌❤️

    And without social media I can breathe deeply without that??? I don’t know? It was heavy to me.

    Try taking a 2 week vacation from social media (but keep us because we are better anyway lol ✌️ )

    You will be amazed at how much peace it is ❤️ !!!

    What would you like to have for your life?? What do you believe will make you happy?

    What would give you peace in life? What is good for your soul?

    You sound like a man about to make some changes lol …

    Me too 😮✌️

    Is ok … it’s bumpy but you still making it 🙌 … it will get better when you find what you want or how you want.

    Also remember – make life what YOU want – people are always going to judge – who cares whatever let them… be who you are – the right people will come to you!! You will be amazed 🙌

    I have issues myself / probably ptsd … oh well I am fine with it ✌️

    Accept yourself first ❤️ love who you are

    And you are wrong – there are good people … I call them earth angels 👼 because they are angels that walk the earth ❤️

    I have many in my life – if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be so strong … I met amazing people on my journey ❤️

    Make sure you look at the things you do have and cherish that too!

    The grass is not always greener.

    But yes … what would make you happy and what do you want? What are you ok with?

    1. This is where you and l differ Trisha, on our opinions of people. 🙂

      I don’t use general social media at this present time and sadly that is going to have to change later this year for business and the only media l do use in earnest is WordPress, because WP is social media also.

      As l said l am bored and not, and unhappy and not … l am discontented with much of what is going on with my life at this present time on issues l haven’t yet discussed.

      I don’t hold with the statement of loving myself, l have never done that, but l do like myself and that is more than ample for my requirements.

      The changes l am making are to do with my blog and soon to be blogs plural and the changes l need to further make with regards business and an increased level of socialness which l find overwhelming.

      WordPress is equally overwhelming for me, and l have contemplated packing up all my blogs and walking away because of the social overwhelm. In addition, l struggle with a lack of authenticity from people and that is something l am having problems with … yes yes, there are many genuine people, but this is an issue that runs deep within my personality and one l must combat.

      So, my main issues are with the sociality of blogging and that is the main struggle …. But it is something l am working on, and l will succeed, but it creates stress.
      Hopefully by the end of this year, l will be in a much calmer state.

      So as you can see, it’s not that l am ‘unhappy with my life’, l am discontented with certain aspects of this social media that l use.

      1. I see.

        I’m sorry it is stress for you. You should do what you need to do.

        Remember each person just like you is unique. And different cultures are different ways and also you never know what someone else goes through ✌️

        I know social overwhelm – I remain completely silent still. ✌️😘

        I am silent from everyone who ever knew me prior to cancer… except immediate family and a few police 🙂

        I find peace in silence so you are preaching to the choir ❤️✌️

        I hope you find your best life ❤️

        1. Worry not Trisha, it’s something to do with me anyway – l have always been like this.

          Suze feels the same way, she was never particularly social, but since her cancer – she is very much like this due to ‘people simply not understanding and having way too many expectations of her recovery’.

        2. Mine was a combo explosion…

          Abuse from ex, death and removal of my family and then cancer

          I was very well known in community. I was connected to the police and then working with the golf course …I just knew everyone

          They were really supportive… but it was too much traumatic things for me.

          And then I just suddenly, right after that surgery … I went completely silent and I have been that way ever since ✌️

        3. Morning Trisha, mine has been a gradual build up over the last ten years or so. i am not a asocial person, l like genuine sociality but l struggle with social media as l think that many people try too hard to be social and don’t like upsetting people so try to please as many as they can without realising the damage they are doing. We see seriously bad cases in social media, where people ‘hoard people’, where people just like everything for the sake of it.

          Now here in WordPress l know my genuine readers and friends and l know they like what l do and they express it – but so many people even here do not bother to interact and engage with people and instead they hit Like and most of the time they are not reading the content, they are not engaging, they are not commenting ….. and my explosion was peaked last month when everything to do with this dreadful lack of insincerity and lack of authenticity from people in blogging , caused me to really think how on earth l could still blog and remain sane,.

          It’s a problem l have with all social media as l find much of it fake and this year l must launch a business online and l must use social media platforms and yet l have these big issues with the falseness of people – so l am taking a course to try and calm me down and work towards a solution.

          Many people would not understand my plight and see me as being fickle, but it isn’t, it’s a major cause of stress for me.

        4. They want me to do social media at work and I feel panic with it – I don’t think I can

          I am not comfortable with it

          I do keep my actual Facebook … it’s everyone who was in my life – all my friends from all over the United States and then my extended blood family … I keep them in my Facebook but never use it – I just wanna keep them frozen – it hasn’t been opened or responded to since 2019

          I have over 1000+ messages that are left unopened

          I just prefer to be silent. I don’t watch news or use social media – anything that could bring up trauma I stay away from.

          I just like my silence – I want my peace

          I like WordPress because it’s just peaceful to me.

          The rest of it isn’t.

          I went silent in July 2019, and found WordPress in November of 2019

          So… WordPress has helped me not completely go silent – it keeps me from slipping into myself??

          Because I have a danger with going silent ✌️ (at least I am aware of it) … but WordPress I love ❤️ is the only social environment I can and am willing to have

          I hope you don’t leave, but I understand ✌️ I hope you find peace for yourself – I do know how important that is 😘✌️

          You should always do what you are ok with. Give yourself peace ✌️❤️

          Ps even though I love WordPress I still have moments where I will just read and not post because I am quiet – sometimes I have other trauma from work or things that will make me silent too

          My danger is silence – so I try not to let that completely take hold

          WordPress is kind and supportive and the people here seem really amazing so I have stayed ❤️

          When I first signed up… I did not know was social like it is… I thought was just a place to write and didn’t understand it was posted all over the world 😮

          Probably good I didn’t know that at the time lol … but I’m glad I have it. Has helped me through and I am not silent here …

          Well not as much… I still have things I can not speak of – is too much trauma still

          But anyway that is my story with this whole social media stuff.

          Mine is more “my own trauma” … how my brain handled

          But I understand your issues with false people also ✌️ … I can only handle honest and face value – as long as honest and sincere … I am ok… but if they are not … I need them out of my life or I back up 😘✌️

          I hope you get through your stuff. ✌️

  5. Dealing with people is not always easy, it has its ups and downs! You are a very creative and organize person and I’m sure you’ll soon enjoy the results of the hard work 😉 Bored and creative, what a combination 😉

        1. It’s difficult Ribana, some days are better than other days … but l have made some significant changes to both of my current blogs over the last couple of days and hopefully this will help to ease the conundrums.

  6. We can avoid dealing with people but we can’t avoid dealing with ourselves. You have a brilliant mind that is constantly being tested by outsiders and yourself. Perhaps, your boredom is telling you to step back and regroup and look forward to new challenges. When I feel I’m in a rut, then time to change it up! As my mom used to say “rise up above it”!

    Happy Sunday, and keep on keepin’ on!

    1. Hello Eugenia, here’s wishing you a lovely Sunday.

      That’s what l am doing, – reworking – the challenge of it all. I work with myself all the time, l never avoid working with myself.

      I have an issue and l am dealing with it that best suits how l need it to work for me. My issue isn’t something that is specific to me – we all experience it, and some are not bothered by it, others can let it ride out and others still try and work around it.

      As said, it’s not really a boredom per se, more of a social thing that l am struggling with.

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