|Strollings, Pootlings and Musings|
|Season 8 – Summer 2021|
|Series 8 – New Starts Always Start At The Start!|
|Tuesday 15th June 2021|
|We all need purpose and direction …|
|The last time l saw these ducklings was a while back when they were small fluffballs only – this is the second clutch for the reserve and l see mother duck has moved her youngsters to a quieter bit of the Delf stream over the central pond … in order to allow them to grow. One of the first clutches of the season was mostly killed by older male ducks … so it was really lovely to see these ducklings so healthy and well.|
We are still experiencing the heatwave, it’s been with us now for roughly two weeks and the temperatures especially here in the town have been quite unbearable at times. As Angie said to me the other day in an email … ‘mind the heat, you are not used to it anymore’. She is right, the days when l could take wild heats are fast becoming a distant yesterday and l have noticed it more so here in Sandwich in the built up area and inside these thick walled buildings. They are great for holding the heat in winter, but a devil for releasing the heat in summer even with doors open. I can’t risk having too many windows and doors open for a couple of reasons …. 1] l don’t want to be invaded by wasps again like last week and 2] being on a main street, the house fills with road dust very quickly.
Today is cooler than it has been in the last week, but it is still warm and heavy and oppressive – these photos are in fact from last night’s walk as opposed to a morning walk which l have had on delay for the last two weeks due to the heat. Last night’s walk in the reserve and around the ramparts was still incredibly warm at 7pm, but l realised it was the first walk l had taken in the evening since last Thursday 10th – when Suze and l walked in the reserve after l had my second jab.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday were occupied with working in gardens, either Suze’s or my own – l never experienced any reaction to the jab Thursday night as l was digging and lifting the next day, but by Saturday afternoon l was flagging fast, but l think that was more to do with working in the heats without any form of lotion or sunscreen protection – because l can be a muppet for that! So l may have experienced some heatstroke on Friday working in my own garden.
I am just desperate to get the gardens sorted [mine and Suze’s] before the weather breaks [which is supposed to be this week sometime … maybe ] and also because l have major dental surgery next week and l honestly don’t know how l am going to be following the removal of x amount of teeth on Monday. It’s all individually reflective right? I haven’t allowed myself any time to think on it, just keep myself busy … l wonder if knowing what is going to happen will make it all the more frightening over not knowing. I have a deep seated fear of the dentists that is long in the ahem, tooth as a fear on account of dreadful incidents when younger and wrong teeth being pulled and dentists using my chest as a knee support!! I have heard some absolute horror stories nevermind experienced many of my own!
I am going to ring them today and ask some questions … l was offered the chance to ask questions before, but l was so shocked by the price l didn’t know what to ask, but also, l have no comparison of events to this ….. what questions was l supposed to ask? Never before have l ever had x amount of teeth extracted at once … what do you ask? It’s a huge change in my life …….. the rebirth of a smile, the absence of pain, the ability to masticate properly again, a new direction.
Since the start of 2021, l have been changing direction …. my life has all been about change and making decisions and seeking clarity on who l am and who do l want to be? Where do l want to be, what is my direction, what is my purpose? Is there a purpose, Is there a point?
I have been hyperfocusing on a few things recently which allows me to deep think and l am a deep thinker … l need to pondercate on things – yes, that might not be a word, but l use it a lot anyway – so it’s a ‘my word’. The garden, the gardens, gardening as a practicality allows me to concentrate on one task and then drift off into thought. Digging the worm farms over, planting, weeding, composting – all very therapeutic applications that allow me to think on what l want from my life.
My ideals on gardening alone have changed this year significantly and whilst you have not seen any of the summer episodes they will be coming soon enough in a new season – l transferred all the gardening series out of this blog with a few others to the new ‘alternative content’ blog. I am no longer that fixated on vegetable gardening, but more focused upon wildlife gardening and composting – true passions …. this year for starters has been about reinvesting time in things that l love rather than things l think l should love!
Pointless wasting time, doing things that don’t make sense and growing vegetables that l mostly can’t eat due to digestion issues seems a tad crazy! Even with new teeth and the ability to chew my food properly, l’ll still not be able to suddenly eat things that my stomach simply rejects … sad but true! But with wildlife gardening l am able to take enjoyment from simpler things .. and yet this STILL takes time to establish and l am in the process of making this happen, or trying to.
|Beautiful yellow Iris’s along the banks of the Delf stream in Gazen Salts Nature Reserve.|
The heatwave is lovely, but isn’t – a normal summer would be lovelier as it would allow for plants to be sown and planted outside with some kind of normality – but with a heatwave like now, it means that really the ideal time to plant is much later in the evening [8-10pm] and the irony here is that you are more tired and you can become absolutely mullered and eaten alive by mosquitoes!! So things are taking more time than usual. This season currently has mostly been occupied with trying to paint Suze’s garden out of a blank canvas it was into a form of colouring by numbers and it is slowly getting there. I was luckier with the garden of Willow on account of it being an established courtyard garden.
Her garden is now looking more like something that you can enjoy over that of the barren wasteland it was, but we still have a long way to go …… but it is tiring and in this heat, it knackers you more quickly – so l am constantly physically shattered and mentally exhausted. But l want to get this achieved for her to help her – to enthuse and motivate her. Sadly she has slumped into a depression following the treatment for her cancer and this too can be mentally draining on me as l am at a loss how to help her through it.
She is part of a post cancer treatment workshop which is designed to aid mental health, but yesterday was only her second time and she has four weeks left l think … as to whether this will aid her or not, l don’t know. I certainly hope so, as l am struggling to relate to specifics with her depression … l can understand the ‘depression’, having been there, but mine was different to hers and anyone who says ‘Oh well depression is depression’ needs a stout kick up the bum with a sharply pointed boot. Depression is very individual – everyone’s is reflective to that person. So yes, you can offer advice to a degree, but you can’t wave a magic wand.
Suze’s depression has arisen due to the post treatment package offered by the NHS which is sadly incredibly deficient and also she still suffers from post treatment problems – no saliva, neuropathy, partial deafness – l can’t relate to that – but in addition , she is depressed because she doesn’t understand her point, her purpose …… it matters not what l say either! So this can be emotionally draining on me as her friend. I offer all sorts of ideas but l have never been able to motivate Suze – ever. I can motivate and enthuse many people – but l have NEVER been able to do that to Suze because she refuses to believe in herself, in her talents, in her ability … and when you are working with a person like that anyway, never mind a depressed person like that – you’ll always have problems.
|The Butts – Rampart walk.|
I have made suggestion after suggestion, from writing things down, to starting her blog, to joining forums and speaking to other people with like ‘that’ issues and she doesn’t want to …. so l am really hoping this workshop helps her.
The other problem she is experiencing and this one l think is the one that is causing her the most damage is ‘she is lonely’ .. she is missing companionship. She thought she could live alone – you may recall, last year when we split, she said she wanted to remain friends, but she wanted to live by herself and not be reponsible for another person – l remember asking her if she was sure?
I am on the spectrum with autism, l don’t need people in my life day to day, l don’t get lonely, l don’t even truly believe in loneliness – BUT, that is irrelevant – Suze is missing the companionship of other people. I see her three times a week, l try and spend as much time with her as she wants and l have even offered her the spare room here to help her ‘rebuild’ her strength post cancer. I understand the desire for individuality – l really do – l love living by myself – and in truth the only thing l miss is the occasional skin on skin human connection – but that’s not everyday – l can get by with flirting and l have a remarkable imagination.
There are many reasons for this and NOT just the obviousness of cancer which can affect a person’s mental health anyway – she doesn’t have many close friends, she needs people to work with as in the camaraderie of an office environment over working from home, her family isn’t close by, her grandchildren are all getting older and the younger ones are in Australia, the newest grandchild of her Daughter’s born end May is ‘down under’ and she isn’t able to be a ‘grandmother anymore’. Suze’s whole purpose in life before last year’s ‘l want to live alone’ was she needed people to look after to feel complete. She has never had any hobbies, or activities and only had family and lived the role of Mother Hen ….. she is a very family orientated person ……. l am the complete opposite on so many levels but l can understand how important that role was to Suze.
So, l have that focus in my life and whilst l am not depressed l am running out of ideas how to further help her … refind her point, her direction and her purpose but l will support her as only a best friend can do.
|Blackbird on Gravestones – St Clement’s Church.|
The other focus l have in my life is the new blog – The 3 Sides 2 1, which is going to launch sometime this month … maybe and hopefully once this does, l can start to ease myself back into a business persona which l deperately need and whilst the new sister blog is not a money maker, it is a way of discussing that possibility and maybe helping others and myself realise and make happen the reality of making money online.
This year l have very specifically worked towards achieving certain goals for point, purpose, direction as well as identity. I have made several large and small changes to the Guy Called Bloke blog since end February and now here l am mid June and finally l am happy with some of more recent changes to this blog. Some have been noticed, others not so much, but l will be highlighting these in a new ‘My Blog , My Journey’ post probably next month … l just need to get through the dental surgeries first l feel.
As they say and l do too ….
“Rome wasn’t built in a day ….
It took more than two too!!”
It’ll be right in the end!! Thanks for reading, catch you next time