I shouldn’t be … given the time, but l am … l am awake!
I blame those conversations we have with ourselves late at night, or those that started the previous week, but they don’t just go away, instead they keep on at you until you find the resolution – l blame them, that, the one, one of them, whatever and whichever l blame that, therefore l blame me, l am to blame for still being awake at silly o’bloodyclock am early morning!
It’s my fault, it’s been an issue l have been trying to resolve for the last week or so. I should be asleep, but l am not, l am awake!
It’s a a serious thinking, like a separation of thoughts, they need to be chronicled. But l have a hundred thoughts crashing into and onto each other, so it’s taking its time to become calm. A storm that is raging inside my head. That conversation .. the conversation we ask ourselves, did you have to start this with yourself – it’s that type of conversation and sadly for me the answer is “Don’t ask silly questions OF COURSE l had to start it!”
It’s like a disturbed spider’s web that need to be unravelled …… bit by bit, strand by strand … like last night in bed, or what is now early morning from the previous night – tried watching a film, tried reading, was reading, mind became distracted, started surfing, then back to the film, then writing notes in the iPad, then reading again, then pacing, now here l am typing!
I am getting there, albeit slowly, but l am getting there… typing, thinking, typing and writing, thinking and unblinking …
It’s not that you find yourself ….
It’s more a case of whether you care enough?
Then you know if you both care and if,
You care enough to care,
Of course that’s not easy?
When is anything easy?
But you have to ask yourself,
If you care,
And do you care enough?
What happens if you don’t?
That conversation l had,
But it couldn’t be shelved,
Because it had to be had.
It’s not always footballers looking for goals,
or archaeologists looking for dusky ancient holes,
or fishermen looking for packed like sardine shoals,
or gardeners looking for furry moles,
or witch hunters looking for scary make believe trolls,
or doctors looking for squishy looking oozing boils,
or rugby players looking for egg shaped balls,
or comedians looking for endless lols,
or telephonists looking for lost calls,
or opera singers looking for large and spacious halls,
or bungee jumpers looking for high diving risky falls,
or painters and decorators looking for flaky walls
……..it’s not always about that.
That’s pretty close to the late night conversation,
I had with myself over and over again,
last night …….
and now l sit here and type!
Blimey, l should go to bed and try to sleep!