Welcome to Yesterday’s Poetical Reflections – a sub – series of my poetry directory in which l shall ‘reblog’ some of my previously published poetry.
|Bitter Sweet Flaws|
I have lived with the Aspergian inclination all my life,
‘Gifted’ at birth, although it has caused me nothing but strife!
Diagnosed fully only a couple of years ago,
…and armed with the insight, it put me in more of ‘the know’ …
For it alleviated much of my life’s’ awkward puzzle,
Realising my brain always looked at a loaded gun muzzle!!!
As a child l had always been perceived as ‘odd’ or as a geek!
Worst case, l was considered by many as a strange freak!
Problem was, back in those days, it was not recognized,
Erratic behaviour was medically resolved by being analysed!
“Your child is simply hyperactive, don’t be alarmed’
And at that most parents ‘yes’ were stressed, but charmed!
Their child was simply being overzealous but was okay!
Opinions medically have moved on since those days!
Now children are seen to be part of the spectrum,
And ADHD is to blame for them being a pain in the rectum!
However, now we have many forty something’s awakening!
Feeling completely disorientated, and full of confused pain,
Like what the hell is going on with my life right now?
Bizarre things are mentally shaping beneath my brow!
Acknowledged, as Aspergic is all well and good!
Exception being that we are horribly misunderstood,
Many just continue on with their lives simply thinking,
Perhaps the feeling will ‘Go away’ if l keep on blinking!
However, for many of us on the Autistic scale,
Intelligently we are not so keen to quickly bail,
We need to know, and understand and even obsess,
On the culprit that was previously perceived as merely stress!
Asperger’s Syndrome has so many special benefits,
But is an intellectual enemy, like an arrogant ad blitz!
So, treated as such it is indeed a worthy opponent,
Although it is complex, with its many intricate components,
That to simply walk away, and not delve and explore,
Is ‘not acceptable ‘, for soon this problem will be too hard to ignore!
Affecting our lives so significantly, and without grace,
Hindering relationships, enjoyment, and the workplace!
I am slowly coming to terms with being classed as eccentric!
As well as many oft seeing me as egocentric!
That l have taken to studying it fully and expressing
In poetical form emotions that for year’s l had been suppressing!
But l cannot deny that it has taken its’ toll upon me,
And many a time deprives me of being blissfully happy,
l am supposedly an above average intelligent man!
Means nothing when you are struggling and constantly feel less than…,
Of not knowing who you are, or what or even where …
… you are on the path of life or finding a woman to care!
With all the attributes of this ‘gift’ there is no get out clause,
As such, it means life is full of bittersweet flaws!
Don’t read this as me being overly bitter,
I can accept that life for many is also a right shitter,
We are also said to suffer from a lack of empathy,
So l don’t need anyone’s’ protective sympathy,
I am about as happy as l guess l can be!
But would be happier, if finally, l could just see the real me!
© Rory Matier 2010/2021
Those not on the spectrum may struggle to comprehend this confusion, whilst elder and later diagnosis autists and Aspies will probably understand this poem very well. It was written in July 2010.
The original can be seen here Bitter Sweet Flaws
I tidied this poem up just prior to publishing today and revised a few lines.
The very early days, weeks, months and years following my diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome in 2008 were filled constantly with confusions as l dug really deep into what this actually meant to me. I only really started to come to terms with the diagnosis by 2012.
It knocks you for six when you have lived your life thinking you were a, b and c and then actually and officially finding out, you are more likely to fit to a sequence of d, q, x, n and r.