Welcome to Yesterday’s Poetical Reflections – a sub – series of my poetry directory in which l shall ‘reblog’ some of my previously published poetry.
|‘Lost in Complexity’|
‘Tis similar to being stuck within a continuous dream,
Not knowing if one fits into the overall scheme,
Chronologically we look as old as we are supposed to,
Then confusion settles in and everything goes askew!
Mentally and emotionally we start to fall apart,
Struggling to understand and even where to start!
Others looking in or from afar,
Stressed to the hilt with our antics, thinking we are bizarre,
Failing to comprehend our very own concerns,
Simply lost are we, knowing there is no return,
Relationships turning from joyousness to disaster,
Unable to remedy simply with a plaster!
Higher in the intellect and intelligence capacity,
Than most credit us with due to their stupidity!
Lack of understanding from those not in the know,
Attaching a stigma to us and placing us up on the plateau,
Of ’best left alone’ and ’leaving them to it’
Making us angry, having to put up with the shit!
Holding many faces within one personality,
Is not a catwalk life for our complex mentality,
Childishly earthbound we are for ever and a day,
Liking it or not, sadly we have no say!
Predetermined like this from before our birth,
Is like God sharing some humourless mirth!
Like you in so many ways, yet never the same,
Constantly lost within the burning flames,
Of the darkness that riddles our minds,
Genetically created from before our starting time,
Blind Complexity that never allows us an inner peace,
And continually to get worse and to never cease!
Socially and emotionally delayed in our maturity,
Is a testing time for us all continually,
Not always easy being mentally aged ten,
Once was enough, but over and over again!
Can be such a seriously stressing strain,
Upon out complex filled brain!
If it was not so damningly serious,
I would laugh out loud deliriously,
All day long and every day for the rest of my life,
Problem is, that it is a life filled with strife!
Constantly wandering amongst fragments,
Of ago, lost in solitude, making so sense!
Tormented by myself in the continued search,
For answers as to what’s and why of this dreaded scourge!
Sure, there are times when l feel gifted,
But of late, this is replaced with the title of misfit!
Never quite fitting into the scheme of things,
Always lost in complexity of misgiving!
© Rory Matier 2009
The Can of Worms … 2009 – 2012
Just in case you have ever wondered where and why these ‘autistic’ poems started or began and came from, here is a brief outline…
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome in 2008 by a therapist who worked with autistic children. She had children of her own on the spectrum and she was also able to recognise many of my Aspergian/autistic traits as an adult, because she too was on the spectrum and so was her husband.
Whilst l has suspected when younger, that l was a ‘leetle’ different to my peers and my family in the way l thought and acted, l was actually geninually surprised to learn that l was on the spectrum itself. I was 45 going on 46 when l was both ‘recognised and then diagnosed’ and l am 58 this year.
I was classed as a later diagnosis, and back then many 40 somethings were indeed waking up to the fact that as they were ageing, things were proving more awkward and difficult and whilst when younger the quirky behaviour was great for the 80’s and the 90’s – the problem was that with the early years of the millenium – quirky was no longer fashionable, and it was still a time before the rise of the terms in common use of eclecticism and diversity and neurodiversity were being used with people so freely as they now – and people – like partners, siblings, wives and husbands and family and so on were beginning to view their loved ones with strange eyes as in ” come on time to grow up!’
The previous year in 2007, friends of mine simply suggested to me that l was on the spectrum and that l handled my ‘disorder’ very well ……………. but they were shocked to learn that l was clueless as to what they were referring to? The reason they commended my behaviour, was because they had a son that was autistic/adhd and l was very good with him … truth of the matter is that l am very good with children on the spectrum and that is only because ‘l get it’ with them … l just know what they mean, and l always thought that maybe l was just lucky that way ha ha!! But sometimes, parents with no understanding struggle with autism in their family.
However once l was officially diagnosed in 2008 l was also going through a very rough patch with a dangerous girlfriend who thankfully is an ex now, l had mental issues that had been caused by the hidden and unknown and unrecognised and undiagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome. I escaped by the skin of my teeth from being sectioned in the Acute Mental Health Unit and Day Hospital in Lincoln after a serious suicide attempt where the police not only had to be called out, but a massive ‘manhunt’ search had to be commenced to try and find me …… so when the diagnosis did arrive, a lot of things were happening.
I was vicious self harmer [cutter] who caused serious damage to my body and l still carry the scars today and will do for the rest of my life. I hated myself, l hated being alive ……… BUT, come the diagnosis, a giant can of worms was opened up for me.
In June 2009 l started to live by myself with my two dogs Scrappy and Dora in a forty foot metal box [caravan] on the Lincolnshire Fens behind a DIY horse stables and over the next three and some years which were hellish by themselves, l penned a lot of poetry – 2000+ poems. i don’t have all of my poems these days, many were discarded, however a lot were not and poems like ‘Lost in Complexity’ above were in fact how l expressed my emotions at the time.
Gradually, over the years of 2009 – 2012 through my writing was l finally able to come to terms with my Asperger’s and my identity with autism. When l was first diagnosed there was very little qualitable information regarding autism and Asperger’s in people of my age group … l had to really search deep in both myself and Google to source out help and resources. As l started to find myself and understand who l was, a lot of the earlier anger at myself and people and at my family, didn’t completely disappear, but it did marginally dissipate and l found l was able to forgive even if not ever forget the treatment l had received from society when l was growing up.
Rory Matier March 2021