I was having some brunch this morning and as l was doing so, l was watching a programme on the television and they were discussing the ‘pressures and panic’ single people are currently experiencing’ about not being in relationships/marriages? This made me think back to the pressures l had felt from my parents and others too in the early 90’s concerning marriage.
My lifestyle prior and up to the early 90’s had been likened to by my family as that of a playboy. I did not own my own property, l roamed with my career rather than was stationed in one location, l never had a serious girlfriend and was seeing several single ladies at the time and lived a very promiscuous and adventurous life – drinking, partying, raving, light drugs, swinging, working all hours and basically enjoying where l was, who l was and what l was doing. I had no plans to settle down but every year towards my thirtieth l got more pressure from my parents to do so, become an adult, buy a house, raise a family and keeping the name Matier strong and start behaving like a normal human being.
My parents both, wanted grandchildren, l say that like that because at that time they were divorced and living their own lives …. and they never stopped going on and on and bloody on about family, children, house, blah, blah and more bloody blah blahs! Long story shortened, l met someone in 1993 and we got along, albeit we got along in the sack better and l believed ……. rather foolishly, l was in love with this girl – she was 12 years my junior – so it was a bad move really, l was 30, she was just going on 19. But she and her family was looking for a man for her to marry settle down and have children, l didn’t know that until many years on by which time we realised we should never have married and that ‘rushing into marriage’ was a serious mistake..
But l married  to stop the pressure from family and within a few years instantly regretted it … l never played the field, l was loyal always – l am always a loyal partner from the start to the end – l don’t stray, l believe in trying to make things work. Nice philosophy, but not always correct! But although l was under a lot of pressure to please both of my parents, l came to realise that all they had wanted was children – grandchildren and although l ‘had’ wanted children of my own … a couple of things happened.
One l was plagued with mental health issues, noise was becoming a serious problem with me … [this was my undiagnosed Asperger’s becoming more than a hidden problem] and l became very worried that perhaps l was mentally ill, and would it be wise to have children if l was not right? Say if l passed this on to them, was that right? I didn’t know what was wrong with me … but l did know, it wouldn’t be right to have children.
The second issue was l came to realise, that l didn’t really want children with this woman, my wife. She was a cruel person …. there are times when people show themselves in different lights and l saw this woman for who she was, and l came to understand that we would NEVER have children. Which is why she committed adultery so early on in our marriage [no, l didn’t know, l found out after our divorce]
We all make mistakes and each one of us must live with them for the rest of our lives and l knew that if l had children with this woman, this would not make us stronger as a couple. Years later when l was diagnosed with my Asperger’s, someone asked me if an earlier diagnosis would have helped our marriage? l had to be truthful and say “No”, it wouldn’t have made a difference with us … we were the wrong couple to begin with, because we both rushed into marriage without due care and we were too young.
At 30, l was too young to be married, l didn’t have the right mindset for settling down, l was a fiercely independent individual who led an active swinging lifestyle and had so many quirks and strange behaviours that were not right for a permanent live-in relationship. My marriage was not only wrong for me and her [wife], but it weakened both my individuality and my strength as a person. I gave in to pressure from people that had no right whatsoever to put that pressure on me and l do, like most of us have a life that has many regrets in it, and we live with them and learn from our mistakes … but by everything SANE, the biggest regret l have to date is getting married for the wrong reasons.
It wasn’t just my mistake, her family were putting on the pressure as well, otherwise, l could have quite happily have lived as we were for a few years more and then l think we would have discovered we were not right for each other and naturally dissolved.
So, my marriage in my eyes, broke my independence and my strength. I was only married once; l wasn’t fool enough to perform that disaster again. I decided after my divorce that if ‘ l ever was’ to marry again, then the person would have to be 100% right …. but l am not sure these days if there is such a thing out there – not as in person, but ‘recipe’ for ‘100% right’. Sure, l am cynical. I mean, Suzanne proposed to me last year you may recall, and l accepted and then what happened? Lockdown. 50 shades of bat shit crazy from her followed by splitting up and living apart as friends.
Now here l am, 9 months after moving away and even with all the upsets and upheavals we have experienced as friends, we are way better as friends than anything else … maybe it was our time to break up anyway. In December 2019, Suze had made mention to the 7 year itch and relationships and l had a worrying niggle at that point … ironically enough, hahaha!! But over the last few weeks and months, l have discussed many things with my blog but only a few of my close friends have l discussed my future and relationships with.
I was with Suze earlier today and we went for a small walk into the town market and she asked me then as she has before if l was enjoying living by myself? I answered honestly … Yes, l am. I couldn’t think of sharing my ‘space’ with another human being on a full-time regular basis anymore. I don’t get lonely, Suze feels the same way .. she feels despite everything that has happened in her life so far since we split, that she has more independence and strength by being single again.
l was missing canine companionship – but in some ways also, l have come to learn this week, that l might not be. So l must give that some deep and detailed thought .. I had thought of maybe getting a rabbit … l used to have a house rabbit twenty odd years ago called Brutus .. he was a big rabbit, a German lop, very friendly, l might look for that or maybe a Flemish Giant, mostly the size of a middle-sized small dog – they make great pets, highly intelligent… so who knows. A rabbit does sound good though, admittedly. I miss female company and ideally it would be nice to have a friend with benefits, but goodness the very thought of joining a dating site fills me with absolute dread … although it might be a fun feature for the blog … creating the ideal profile ha-ha! It used to take me hours just to create ten lines, must be honest and funny and yet most profiles are filled with shyte! Who knows, anyway ….
I digressed …………….. so to the question .. in your opinion …