|The Grumblies Directory|
Season 2 – Series 2 – Episode 13
|The Packing Mules Favour|
Albert moaned as he rolled over from his side and lay flat on his back looking up at the fronded roof of the hut … and groaned again as he realised that his environment was once more smoke filled … the sweet stickly smell of the ganja assaulted his nostrils!
He knew full well who the culprits were … the same three every day!
Every day for the last three weeks solid, George, Mavis and Esther were gorked out of their flagons! George had been the last to join the badassery and now Albert was convinced he was quite possibly the lead ganjaface!
For some reason, the shit didn’t affect Albert – he had experienced this many years ago in the 60’s and the 70’s – not to the ‘exact way that his companions were anyway as in constantly spiced and stoned to the bajesus like ganja was going out of fashion!
He cast his mind back to that fateful day a month ago when they had arrived in the clearing after their awful moments with those damn ants and met with Hawaiian shirted Franco and his gun swinging buddies and one mustn’t forget the pink fluffy socks! Which acted he was later told as an anti-ant guard! Albert didn’t have bright pink fluffy socks of his own and so he couldn’t test the theory out, but Franco seemingly was never bitten or stung!
Albert had tried explaining that it was probably due to the inordinate amounts of weed being smoked by Franco and his merry crew that stopped anything attacking their bodies within a three-mile radius so great were the smoke clouds that issued from the camp!
Esther always the adventurous one had accepted a doobie from a stranger that very first day and had been hooked ever since … he had hardly seen her during their time here. She was always out helping Franco with his ‘bushels’ behind the bushes!!! Not just Franco either, but anyone with a long one and she was there and gleefully had adopted and learned quite a colourful vocabulary with regards weed.
Esther who had once been a showgirl was suddenly showing these dudes her high kicks and soon earned the name giraffe pussy which mortified Albert! Exactly how high was she kicking for goodness sake?? Esther calmed him down by simply explaining what giraffe pussy meant … simply put, her nickname was one of ‘being really high!”
Although Albert was still becoming a little paranoid and didn’t know if it was for good reason or that he too was poonded out of his gourd! He cursed himself daily for using these strange words all the time, but they were addictive … like crossword puzzles … oh how he wished he could have one of those again, to regain some sanity in all this madness!
Making matters worse and it appeared that Albert was the only one who WAS bothered by it and that was this damn Franco! Who wasn’t exotic or a local native at all but was bloody Eddy Bucket’s second cousin once removed. Albert thought he looked familiar when they first met but admittedly was confused by the attire … l mean seriously who on earth wears pink fluffy socks in a jungle apart from this bunch? But all the hair and the old fashioned wide brimmed glasses threw him off for a while. But as they walked with the vibrantly attired gun slingers the short distance to their camp, and Albert listened – he just knew that Franco was Frank!
As a youngster he was always in trouble and he was always as high as a kite on anything that could be smoked, burned, soaked, strained and or cooked!
Albert had no choice, but to ask him …. “Aren’t you Eddy’s cousin Frank … once removed and all that?”
The whole party stopped suddenly and turned and faced Albert … Franco eyed him over slowly and grinned and slowly stroked his own banger and said menacingly in a strangely weird accent like a pirate on smack! “Alby, Alby, Alby l am thinking if l should bustacapinyoass?! Whaddya think?!”
“What? What is bustercapinoass?” Albert asked totally bewildered, “Are you or are you not Frank, Eddy’s second cousin, it was a simple question … you either are, or … listen carefully, you are not? It doesn’t get any simpler than that, so this bustercapinoass? Whatever that is and why are you stroking your gun so suggestively and looking at me like that? Thank you …. But no thank you!”
Franco, looked at his crew and in that strange, pirated smackhead lingo, told them he would catch up with them all later and to show the guests to their ‘rooms, whilst he ‘communicated’ with the difficult one!
As George walked past, he looked at Albert, “Oh l think you have upset Franco Albert, see you later …. provided you are not buried up to your neck in sand and surrounded by them pesky Carpenter ants!!”
Mavis, looking snooty hurried past and Esther, smoking her damn doobie winked at Franco and told him to not ruffle Albert up to much, he had his uses!
Once everyone had gone, Franco turned towards Albert and said “Alright me ol’ mucker, how you doing? It’s been ages mate – got a be, what, a good twenty years maybe since l last saw you, yeah?”
“So, it is you then Frank? What on earth are you doing here in the middle of erm, wherever here bloody is? Why are we here when we are supposed to be on some ‘bucket or should say half bucket holiday’, why is Esther now smoking a joint and slowly getting high and more importantly, why are your men carrying lethal looking end of life weaponry? You don’t have to answer all of the questions at once … but some would help.”
“Dude, you have not changed one little bit in all these years, you were the same in school, so strait laced and serious … Eddy was right, you needed this holiday like some need air to breathe. Loosen up brother, we have it all here for your short stay. Mavis needs to destress; George looks like he was about to have a heart attack and as to Esther – well she was always the party girl … but you? Not even a proper hello, just straight into the fast talking! A guy with a big gun could get offended, you know … in the middle of a jungle where trust me, NO one can hear you scream and if they do, they know better than to ask who it belonged to!”
Albert looked at Frank …. “Are you threatening me Frank?”
“Nope, not at all, l am just telling you the truth … l lose men all the time here to all sorts, those Carpenter ants are not the biggest predator in this jungle. You want to keep the mosquitos at bay, which for the record are the size of mice … get some pink fluffy socks! But if you get lost, there is a good chance that no one will ever hear you scream, is all l am saying, okay?”
“Frank, what do you mean …. For our short stay? Is this NOT the holiday?”
Frank looked at Albert …. “Mm, l am guessing Eddy didn’t tell you about the Packing Mules Favour then?”
Albert groaned, swung his legs out of the bunk bed and looked at his wife, brother and sister-in law giggling and rolling about and permanently stuck on stupid mode and remembering that conversation four weeks ago, and thinking about the four weeks in the camp surrounded by fields and fields of Mary Unna and enveloped in clouds of pungent smoke day in and day out, not forgetting eating roasted guinea pig or something and for dessert strange ‘brownies’ that were more like undercooked greenies … but today, today he knew this was the day they were find out about what they had to do with packing mules?
The Grumblies – Episode 14 – soon