Dear Blog – 20.31 – 10/02/21

How is my mental health?
I mean, l am pretty good, although as you know a few weeks back l was almost suicidal, but l pulled myself back. I am lucky l ‘don’t specifically’ need people, but l live alone and l am talking to myself more and more frequently now and for much longer periods, but l feel the absence of people.

A question asked of me today ….

My friend Murphy is no friend of mine ….

A light hearted [to me] dark post with a few expletives present.

This whole shebangle of pandemic and lockdown is tough, there is no point in pretending that l haven’t been affected by it all, because l have … a handful of my closest friends knew all too well that a few weeks ago l was suicidal. I wasn’t missing people … l was missing life, l am not bothered about my yesterdays, they have gone .. l am missing my today’s and my tomorrows because currently everything is just one long fucking day … a few weeks back, if l could have found a pleasant way to take my life, end it all … with no pain, l was ready for it!

This is not a call for your sympathy – keep it and shove it – meant in the politest way possible of course … but your sympathy and sympathy in general awards nothing to me, or those who feel this way when their mental health is taking a battering.

Of course, l went through various methods of availability, but they all read and sounded pretty bloody painful and of course, one mustn’t forget that my mate Murphy is no frigging friend of mine … he loves to cause me discomfort but l would upset him if l was dead as there would be no fun to be had with me anymore!

Murphy of course has foiled me before in my various attempts over the years, before l turned 50 l had 26 attempts to end my life!! None of them worked … mmmm … that says something to me … 1] wrong method, 2] very unlucky or 3] not my time! Who knows really? Well probably Murphy! What’s really funny, or maybe ironic, is that l am a pretty lucky chap generally, landing on my feet … but when it comes to taking my life l am seriously unlucky as l don’t seem to die!

In the end l stopped trying, although in May 2017 l did teeter on the edge of a cliff just pondering if the fall of 100-200 feet would kill me OR would that bastard Murphy step on board again and do something to prevent death?? Like .. l don’t know, breaking my back, but not killing me or vegetating me and then just teasing me till l died maybe earlier of natural causes?

I think if l am going to die, it’ll be when l least expect or worse, when l do expect it .. but Murphy ‘s bound to have a prank waiting and l will be the unlucky sod who is late for his own death! I’ll not lie to you all, l think of death daily, but and this is a huge BUT, l am no longer planning of ending my life in a deliberate fashion … l can’t be bothered, l don’t have the motivation or enthusiasm for it .. because everything is just so bloody tedious! You know what l mean??

My last good walk was last Saturday and my very last walk was last Sunday, l haven’t been for a walk since then – nope, nada and bloody zilcho! Snow and lots of it and so l have stayed in the house and used my bike to ‘spin’ a bit, and walked around and up and down stairs .. l then realised that my Fit Inspire doesn’t record certain things!? Like walking up steps or spinning or worse … it doesn’t have the function to record my time on the treadmill!!

Today as in beautiful Wednesday Hump Day – although the closest l get to hump or humping is lifting my bottom off my chair and slamming it down again or making the joke with myself or asking if l would like one hump or two with that camel? The sun was out, it was shining , enough blue to deck a legion of sailors pants – is it legion, what’s a group of sailors actually called anyway? Troop? Crew or Deck maybe?? Matters not, but there was enough colour to make trousers or troosers for them all! So l went out and filled the bird feeders, tidied the plants, refreshed the water and the seed feeding bowls ………. and was joyous that the defrost or thaw was finally underway ……

My snow cleats arrived yesterday but rather alarmingly it said do not use them on ice ..only effective on snow, as they could go blunt and admittedly l was like WTF!? I was thinking of walking today but the pavements were a mixture of black ice and snowed ice and concrete and l thought, no problem, let’s wait for the sun to thaw more and l’ll go tomorrow ...

… but life had other plans!! Although today my treadmill arrived , which considering everything else was and is and is so was lucky! Why?? Because it started bloody snowing again at 1.43pbloodym! But worse than that, was it wasn’t a light dusting – no, it was a non-stop snow blizzard which is still falling now at 8.07pm!!

But l have my treadmill here, so why worry about going out the front door ever again – well at least till the snow stops and the thaw is decent and my stomach stops buggering about with my health and my mind stops buggering about with my mentality and Murphy stops buggering about with everything else!! Making matters worse, l then discovered that my FitBit Inspire doesn’t record treadmill either in addition to it not already recording spinning or bloody stairs!

My stomach is very sore, l have to keep taking foods off my already horribly small menu – kale, spinach and mushrooms and gluten free bread are now off the books, that means l can’t really grow any leafy greens in the vegetable plots either .. back to the drawing boards! Maybe l should grow Laws for bloody Murphy! I am so tired of this snow, this pandemic, this lockdown, this Fitbit and Murphy, l am really tired of Murphy too! Especially Murphy … but l do have my treadmill now … so that’s something, and my bike, that’s something else too! Plus the birds were happy too when l fed them …. although, not so happy when it snowed and covered up all the feed again.

Great – the snows have cancelled my online delivery planned in for tonight 🙁 just what l needed to hear! Bollocks!

Dear Blog Directory

17 thoughts on “Dear Blog – 20.31 – 10/02/21

  1. The treadmill came fast! You know how many steps in a mile, so you’ll be able to estimate your steps on the treadmill. All those gadgets are meant to make us crazy I think!

    Quit talking to yourself. Talk to Foxy 😉🤣 I talk to myself all the time. Ben doesn’t listen and neither does Daughter.🤷🏼‍♀️

    Our pal Murphy and his cousin Sod. A couple of swell pranksters. They like to pick on me too. Yes, I do believe we are doomed to endure all this crap. We are meant for some purpose. There are many times I should have died, yet here I am.

    That treadmill is a good metaphor… plod on, even if you aren’t getting anywhere, at least you’re getting some exercise and endorphins. 🤷🏼‍♀️


    1. Yep, l talk to them too .. was talking to the fridge this morning 🙂

      i know, but at times l am just getting sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo effed off with it all hahahahaha!!

  2. What good is a Fitbit if it doesn’t record stairs and treadmill walking…????Does not compute. Murphy is no friend of mine either although I can seem to shake him….ugh

    1. I know, turns out Jennifer that the Fitbit Inspire only has basic exercise functions whilst the Fitbit Inspire HR [Heart Rate] has the advanced function of having more exercises present and you can add even more manually in as well.

  3. I hear you my friend and get all the frustrations that are getting you so down. There is an option of manually recording workouts in Fitbit. You can Google it and then at least you’ll know how much energy you’ve burned.

    1. Hey Sadje – the Fitbit Inspire HR has that facility – but the Fitbit Inspire doesn’t sadly. I started checking this all out l guess about 2 weeks ago, when l noticed ‘spinning’ wasn’t being recorded. The only way l can get the bike riding to be recorded is to place my hands onto my knees as l cycle and then the Fitbit collects the data .. which is not the best thing to do.

      i noticed the stairs this week being inside more .. they are not recorded properly which then made sense as l always thought the steps were a bit strange in consideration to my actual walking .

      I noticed the Treadmill yesterday when my steps were simply not being moved. In the HR you can adjust and add in specific additional exercises, but in the basic model you can’t add in new exercises.

      1. That just sucks. It kills the whole purpose of wearing a fitness device. You should get an Apple Watch, but then you’d have to get an iPhone too. What a mess.

        1. I think l have it sorted, l am going to get an Inspire HR and then the selection of auto recognition exercises is higher … it dawned on me, that many of the exercises l was doing were simply not being counted in any way shape or form and so l was never getting a clear picture of what l was achieving.

          The Fitbit was a gift from Suze, and whilst back then, all it really needed to count was my steps whilst walking, of course life changed and so have l and my exercise/activity requirements – l simply need to upgrade the trackers 🙂

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