|How is my mental health?|
I mean, l am pretty good, although as you know a few weeks back l was almost suicidal, but l pulled myself back. I am lucky l ‘don’t specifically’ need people, but l live alone and l am talking to myself more and more frequently now and for much longer periods, but l feel the absence of people.
A question asked of me today ….
My friend Murphy is no friend of mine ….
A light hearted [to me] dark post with a few expletives present.
This whole shebangle of pandemic and lockdown is tough, there is no point in pretending that l haven’t been affected by it all, because l have … a handful of my closest friends knew all too well that a few weeks ago l was suicidal. I wasn’t missing people … l was missing life, l am not bothered about my yesterdays, they have gone .. l am missing my today’s and my tomorrows because currently everything is just one long fucking day … a few weeks back, if l could have found a pleasant way to take my life, end it all … with no pain, l was ready for it!
This is not a call for your sympathy – keep it and shove it – meant in the politest way possible of course … but your sympathy and sympathy in general awards nothing to me, or those who feel this way when their mental health is taking a battering.
Of course, l went through various methods of availability, but they all read and sounded pretty bloody painful and of course, one mustn’t forget that my mate Murphy is no frigging friend of mine … he loves to cause me discomfort but l would upset him if l was dead as there would be no fun to be had with me anymore!
Murphy of course has foiled me before in my various attempts over the years, before l turned 50 l had 26 attempts to end my life!! None of them worked … mmmm … that says something to me … 1] wrong method, 2] very unlucky or 3] not my time! Who knows really? Well probably Murphy! What’s really funny, or maybe ironic, is that l am a pretty lucky chap generally, landing on my feet … but when it comes to taking my life l am seriously unlucky as l don’t seem to die!
In the end l stopped trying, although in May 2017 l did teeter on the edge of a cliff just pondering if the fall of 100-200 feet would kill me OR would that bastard Murphy step on board again and do something to prevent death?? Like .. l don’t know, breaking my back, but not killing me or vegetating me and then just teasing me till l died maybe earlier of natural causes?
I think if l am going to die, it’ll be when l least expect or worse, when l do expect it .. but Murphy ‘s bound to have a prank waiting and l will be the unlucky sod who is late for his own death! I’ll not lie to you all, l think of death daily, but and this is a huge BUT, l am no longer planning of ending my life in a deliberate fashion … l can’t be bothered, l don’t have the motivation or enthusiasm for it .. because everything is just so bloody tedious! You know what l mean??
My last good walk was last Saturday and my very last walk was last Sunday, l haven’t been for a walk since then – nope, nada and bloody zilcho! Snow and lots of it and so l have stayed in the house and used my bike to ‘spin’ a bit, and walked around and up and down stairs .. l then realised that my Fit Inspire doesn’t record certain things!? Like walking up steps or spinning or worse … it doesn’t have the function to record my time on the treadmill!!
Today as in beautiful Wednesday Hump Day – although the closest l get to hump or humping is lifting my bottom off my chair and slamming it down again or making the joke with myself or asking if l would like one hump or two with that camel? The sun was out, it was shining , enough blue to deck a legion of sailors pants – is it legion, what’s a group of sailors actually called anyway? Troop? Crew or Deck maybe?? Matters not, but there was enough colour to make trousers or troosers for them all! So l went out and filled the bird feeders, tidied the plants, refreshed the water and the seed feeding bowls ………. and was joyous that the defrost or thaw was finally underway ……
My snow cleats arrived yesterday but rather alarmingly it said do not use them on ice ..only effective on snow, as they could go blunt and admittedly l was like WTF!? I was thinking of walking today but the pavements were a mixture of black ice and snowed ice and concrete and l thought, no problem, let’s wait for the sun to thaw more and l’ll go tomorrow ...
… but life had other plans!! Although today my treadmill arrived , which considering everything else was and is and is so was lucky! Why?? Because it started bloody snowing again at 1.43pbloodym! But worse than that, was it wasn’t a light dusting – no, it was a non-stop snow blizzard which is still falling now at 8.07pm!!
But l have my treadmill here, so why worry about going out the front door ever again – well at least till the snow stops and the thaw is decent and my stomach stops buggering about with my health and my mind stops buggering about with my mentality and Murphy stops buggering about with everything else!! Making matters worse, l then discovered that my FitBit Inspire doesn’t record treadmill either in addition to it not already recording spinning or bloody stairs!
My stomach is very sore, l have to keep taking foods off my already horribly small menu – kale, spinach and mushrooms and gluten free bread are now off the books, that means l can’t really grow any leafy greens in the vegetable plots either .. back to the drawing boards! Maybe l should grow Laws for bloody Murphy! I am so tired of this snow, this pandemic, this lockdown, this Fitbit and Murphy, l am really tired of Murphy too! Especially Murphy … but l do have my treadmill now … so that’s something, and my bike, that’s something else too! Plus the birds were happy too when l fed them …. although, not so happy when it snowed and covered up all the feed again.
Great – the snows have cancelled my online delivery planned in for tonight 🙁 just what l needed to hear! Bollocks!