The Curious Case Of … Love is in the Air!

The Curious Case Of …. Directory

Not background checking the family they are marrying into
Janis of The Momshie Diaries
Marry too young and/or without getting to know their intended well enough
Melanie of Sparks from a combustible mind
Wrong partners
Di of Pensitivity 101
 Choosing unsuitable romantic partners
Paula of Light Motifs II
Looking for love in all the wrong places
Lauren of ISS Attitude of Gratitude

The Curious Case Of ….

….. The Life Choices We Make

How curious are you as a person?

Season 2 – Episode 03

Mini-Series – Part 1

The Curious Case Of Love is in the Air!

“Oooh not long before the most magically romantic time of the year ………………………………!!”

As l explained yesterday in the introduction to this new mini-series – The Curious Case Of … these questions have arisen due to the responses l received on one of the questions in the last game of  Fancy A Weekend Quickie?!!  which was What are five of the biggest mistakes that people make with their lives in your opinion?

That question received a lot of interesting responses which is hardly surprising given the nature of its content. However, what l found fascinating was one of the responses to that question by Janis of The Momshie Diaries and when l looked at it and others received l then thought that a Life Choices series within a series could be introduced for further discussions.

The response that triggered this was … Not background checking the family they are marrying into which l found intriguing on so many levels, and yet when you think upon it, it made a weird kind of sense. BUT, it then spurred even more provocative thoughts! So when combined with the other responses to the topic it made for further reading …. Marry too young and/or without getting to know their intended well enough, Wrong partners,  Choosing unsuitable romantic partners, Looking for love in all the wrong places ………… and so there is a pattern emerging!

My thoughts on the subject – these are NOT the questions, they will be at the bottom of this post – these are merely my ponderings.

I find the whole background checking process unusual as a line of thought – and yet there is a side to me that says it makes for sense … but another side of me that says ‘But you are not marrying the family, you are only marrying one person surely? You might ‘inherit for want of a term’ a family, but that’s it right?” Isn’t love enough? But then, l guess it also comes down to finances and debts, and how people are not always honest with other people … so maybe love isn’t enough – maybe love is just too easy? Maybe , more is needed today from people? But, at what point do you start checking out the people you are dating? Is checking up on them a lack of trust or common sense? It’s not common practice currently, it isn’t not done, because it is, but it is simply not performed with a regular frequency by dating couples.

I mean is there an age that you should begin to think like this … or maybe it is not age specific …. maybe it is to be done in all cases .. the last thing you want is to be awarded debts from another person or be implicated in other nefarious activities that a person’s family might be involved with or the person you are seeing or dating is involved in, but simply hiding from you …

I never married too young, l was thirty when l tied the knot for the first and last time, l was married for thirteen years, and after year 7 l knew l was in the wrong marriage and looking back on my wedding day, in all honesty l should never have got married. She was the wrong woman for me, l got seriously burned by her and AND her family!! We were wrong for each other … it was that simple. We married after only knowing each other a short while – she wanted to get married … she wanted children and she wanted to be a stay at home mother. That was her whole dream for the rest of her life and ……….. it wasn’t mine.

We met in October 1993 and we were married in December 1994 – that was a bad move. We didn’t know enough about each other … sex was good, we ‘loved’ each other and that was enough for her and l married for the wrong reasons … the sex should have been fantastic not just good, l think l loved her, although l was 90% sure at the time l did …….but my parents were giving me a seriously hard time to get married … l was the unmarried oddball of the family – the black sheep – l married mostly to stop being labelled … very bad move.

I learned the foolishness of my ways, and l had a very unpleasant marriage – l didn’t stray, or become an adulterer – although she did, l was too trusting and then when l went through my divorce it was so bloody curdling, l vowed to never marry again! I made a mistake after that also, led by my dick and smashed headlong into a major rebound – not for the usual reasons, but because l was flattered by someone younger than me, but l was stupid and the next lass along l REALLY should have background checked because l had a successful business and she smashed my confidence and my business reputation and cost me dearly as well as lying to me about all sorts of things.

Thank goodness we didn’t marry, we were only together from August 2007 to January 2009 but she took me through hell and back … and l am surprised even today that 1] she didn’t kill me or 2] l didn’t kill myself so seriously affected was my mental health and sanity.

I had a bad habit of finding the wrong partners or allowing the wrong people to find me, l was quick to fall in love, and was a sucker for sex and flattery and compliments … l can’t tear myself apart anymore with honesty than that – l was stupid – but l did learn and after the last relationship .. l lived in a forty foot caravan in the middle of bloody nowhere with just my two dogs as company and only had a small fling which was a nightmare also in 2011 and after that l said NO MORE!!

I was convinced that my diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome in 2008 was the culprit behind my poor choices in so far as relationships as an adult ……

I lived in the caravan from May 2009 – October 2012 and apart from a few months of dating a lunatic and a couple of dates with others l decided that relationships and l were over and that l was an oddball. When l moved to my new house in 2012 l was content to live the rest of my life as a singleton – however, life teaches old dogs new tricks and l started talking to Suze in January 2013 after we met through an acquaintance quite accidentally.

We started talking and our first ‘date’ was on the 22nd June 2013, that was the first time we met as well although we had been talking for six months … l had decided that if l was to ever have another partner or relationship in the future and my life, then there would be no jumping into each other’s beds first and foremost, but we would get to know each other thoroughly as friends and know about each other – know how we ticked and if we ticked as friends.

Suze and l split as a romantic couple ‘technically’ 15th April 2020, we were still living together in Kingsdown until July as friends and we are still friends, and no longer lovers or romantically involved. We were together from June 2013 to July 2020 so seven years. BUT, l also insisted that we were not to live together until we knew each other completely, and more importantly she understood me as an Aspergian on the spectrum. We started living together officially on the 17th March 2015 and so we were under the same roof as a couple for five years.

As to my personal future with regards relationships – l am done with them, no more for me … casual flings may be dubious from this point in our lives but not impossible … the lesson learned above everything is to simply to get to know them first and to never live together!

So when l look at the statements above with regards my own small synopsis of my ‘love life’ and l look back to what l said at the top … ‘But you are not marrying the family, you are only marrying one person surely? You might ‘inherit for want of a term’ a family, but that’s it right?” Isn’t love enough? I can understand them more clearly ….

“Not background checking the family they are marrying into, Marry too young and/or without getting to know their intended well enough, Wrong partners,  Choosing unsuitable romantic partners, Looking for love in all the wrong places … “

So …. to the questions …

People are feeling the strain of living with people they share life, love, house and children with and they are struggling ………. We live in strange times .. the pandemic has affected the very structure of relationships through paranoia and trust and just a general feeling of unease with people … it has changed the very core of people, society, love and relationships … right?

Do you think that ‘background checks’ should be more commonplace between couples who are dating and or those looking to marry or live with each other?

Do you think love alone is enough to see people through everything?

What are your views on people getting married/living together too young – are you in total favour of that or not?

What do you think about people not getting to know their partners well enough – is it something that should be looked at more closely whilst you live apart or something that can be worked on when you are under the same roof together?

What are your views on couples who are teenage sweethearts and simply wish to get married and yet they have never sampled anything else of life, they have never had other partners and the list goes on … but they are willing to sacrifice their life for living with one person only believing they are the right person for them?

Finally, which is the best love ? The one we think is right or the the love that finds you by chance or the love we source out with intention?

You don’t have to answer all the questions should you not wish to however, let me know your views below…

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44 thoughts on “The Curious Case Of … Love is in the Air!

  1. Rory, if you have some knowledge of eastern/Indian/ Pakistani culture, these questions are all normal. The parents mostly arrange a marriage and the fo the background research. They don’t want the kids to marry too young. Or have a partner before marriage. Our system is different, still full of pitfalls and horrendous mistakes. But like everyone else in the world, we try to find a good match for our kids.
    My son found his own wife, a girl from his professional background, in fact they were studying together. They have a good marriage. So this system works too.
    In the end, I think it’s a gamble. You either won or lose!

    1. hi Sadje, l am very aware of the culture in which you make reference to and of course you are quite right – like a lot of life – it is a gamble … in some cultures … but times are also changing and l think as we progress further into the future … even cultures will change significantly and gambles will no longer be tolerated.

      1. Perhaps one day. I was lucky when my father chose my husband. It took some work but we made a good marriage.
        While the choice we made for my elder daughter was a gross mistake and it ended in a disaster.

        1. I find it fascinating how the whole process works .. l respect many aspects of your culture, as a young boy, l remember having deep conversations with my amah and she explained much of it to me … the one thing l have never been able to get my mind around is the ‘arrangement side’ – no disrespect is meant here of course.

        2. Many young people are making their own matches now. In my younger days it was a considered a stigma to marry for love! Meeting a boy/ man alone or going out on a date was not acceptable at all. It’s also a part of Islamic culture. No sex before getting married. It’s what we take as a given.

        3. I think it’s a good thing. There is too much responsibility resting on the parents when they have to choose the spouses for their kids. The new way is better. They then are responsible for their own decisions. But we still check out the family background.

        4. Very true … l was thinking this only last night following our discussions – the pressure on the parents is very demanding and exacting – so if it goes wrong, that has got to be painful.

  2. I don’t think love is enough. The term “background checks” is a bit creepy, but yeah, I’d want to know someone pretty well. How long that takes probably depends on the circumstances. Living together can speed up the getting-to-know process, and I don’t think I would ever contemplate marrying someone without a trial run living with them first. There are also basic incompatibilities that I wouldn’t be prepared to tolerate. I’m very careful with money, and there’s no way I’d enter into a marriage-like relationship with someone who lived beyond their means and had maxed out multiple credit cards. That’s fine for love and dating, but not for marriage.

      1. LOL. It sounds creepy right?

        But I never meant it like hiring a P.I. or something… it’s just good to know that you’d not suffer because they are insufferable. There are cultures like ours, Filipinos, where the in-laws’ debts become yours… house eviction of your husband’s second cousin becomes your problem… and everyone finances everyone… + it’s ok to not separate from their folks.

        When you are blindly in love, you don’t really think about any of these, until the time it comes… and you’d be full of regrets… I know a lot of friends who were stuck with some nasty family secrets, some even criminal…

        Not all wishes to leave their spouses, they just wished they had a choice since divorce is not accepted in our Constitution… so we’re literally stuck unless we’re willing to deal with the lengthy annulment process.

        It’s basically knowing what you’re getting yourself into.

        1. Hey Janis – all creepy humour aside, l totally understand and l understood it at the time – it fascinated and intrigued me at the same time …. many different cultures have different approaches.

          I wish l had background checked more when younger and it would have saved me heartache and pain emotionally and financially … but l was a fool. Sadly ‘I believed love conquered all’

        2. Didn’t we all?

          We say these things and agree to what is wise to be done, but at the end of it all… the heart wants what it wants 😀 😀 😀

    1. If someone gave ME free cake? I’d find a way to survive the experience! 😉 Free cake is AWESOME! LOL

    1. Hey Carol Anne, thank you – well my last two X’s are not friends and l wouldn’t want them as such and l should imagine they feel the same about me. But Suze and l didn’t part as enemies we simply parted .

  3. I’ve known several couples that coupled up when they were 14/15 years old and – their firsts being their onlies and you know what – 35, 45, 50 years later they are still together and still, near as I can tell, happy. I don’t understand it and it’s certainly not my place to ask “Haven’t you ever wanted to kiss someone else, know someone else, have sex with someone else” – but I do wonder.

    I think everyone defines ‘love’ for themselves but emotions are not the basis for a lasting partnership. Background checks? Sure, why not, in this day and age it’s easy. Definitely a financial check (said the woman who didn’t and should have and it cost her – financially).

    1. Hey Grace, an interesting take – l too would and have often wondered about people who maintain they are happy after X number of years and had they ever strayed mentally or physically.

      You don’t think emotions are the basis for a relationship – how would you define then the basis for a relationship if not a form of emotional investment first?

      1. Well you have to like them and you have to have shared values and some – but only some not ALL shared interests. You have to make each other laugh and the raging hormone thing comes later – so yeah, I guess friendship. Because the raging hormone thing can get derailed but someone who’s got your back – priceless!

        Here’s a bit of honesty for yer – I don’t attach any emotion to sex. You’re hungry, you eat. You’re horny you f**k. And it has jack all to do with “love”

        1. Got you, l believe in friendship first, but l also believe in sex – not for the love aspect, but connection. If l am looking for friendship only then that’s all l want, if l want sex, then l want to like the person, but l don’t have to be friends.

          Now, l no longer have the need for relationships … it’s rare however to have friendship and great sex. Not impossible when it is a long term – more difficult when it’s casual.

  4. I’ve only had the one relationship really. I don’t think my school flings, or my rebound flings really count. They were months long… very short, and mostly physical.

    I’m certainly not looking for a relationship, but I’m not against the idea either.
    I’d want to know about the family. Are there kids, grandkids, aging parents?? Family would claim time and/or resources. It’s baggage that comes with the person. Just like my daughters and Ben are part of my baggage. Beyond a casual fling, I think that information would be important to know.
    A “background check” as in a credit check/legal check seems only important for marriage or legal partnership… where legal/financial things are commingled. I’d have to get a divorce from my ex, or he’d have to pass, for me to marry. Not neccessary. The ex & I were together 18 years before we got married and only did it cuz it was an issue to Younger Daughter.

    “Love” is not enough. Friendship is the most important thing for a life partner IMO.

    Whether people get together in their youth or 30s or 60s… being committed to working together to overcome problems is what gives a relationship stability and durability. BOTH people have to be willing to DO the work to make it work. A lot of people would rather chuck it and move on.

    That doesn’t mean staying in a bad relationship at all costs. But obstacle CAN be overcome. My relationship was crap for the first few years. Even after Older was born. I moved out at one point, but the ex committed to getting and *staying* sober and we had 8 good years before it started to unravel.

    🤐🤐 I think that’s enough from me😉

    🌊🦄💫🧸💌

    1. I think the term you use is the correct term Angie – Baggage – we all have it, and l think that’s the one thing l don’t want anymore, as that just complicates life and l have given this a lot of thought, l have discussed many things since Suze and l parted – but l haven’t discussed the topic of moving forwards in this department for a few reasons …

      1] We have an effing pandemic going on and it is a bit of a blocker 2] l don’t want another relationship again, they are just too complicated and 3] l had to really balance myself out on this subject and try and think about what l missed the most? Finally 4], l want my friendships and my sexships seperate l think – sometimes you can have a sexship and a friendship and they work really well, but mostly they don’t. Friendship is such a rare commodity these days, so needs to be valued more than sex.

      2021 is going to be a wipe out year again l feel, and l am getting older and not going to get any younger, but hey life still begins at 60, but if it does begin at 58 or even 59, l am game too 🙂

  5. I wasn’t looking for love, nor rebound when i split from my ex. Neither did Ewan. I actually hated Ewan when i first met him 2 years prior to us crossing paths in 2013. From that day in June, we saw each other everyday. Ewan’s brother had got married, and moved out of the house he shared with Ewan, but he wasn’t going to be able to afford rent, bills, etc on his own. With not much notice of the landlady wanting the keys back, Ewan had to find somewhere to live, or he would have to go and live with his sister in Windsor. i asked my Mum and step-dad at the time, if Ewan could stay with us until he found somewhere. This all happened within a few weeks of seeing each other. But his other sister managed to find a houseshare which was only a 2 minute walk from me. I wanted to see where things went, so i have no regrets in offering him a place to stay even though we were still getting to know each other. Regarding getting married, we had been engaged for 3 and a half years at the time i was hospitalised. With being in ICU, being in an induced coma, I just wanted to hold onto everything i loved, walking down the aisle to marry Ewan was my motivation to learn to walk again. As much as he drives me up the wall, i have no regrets. Especially now Daisy is here, i wouldn’t want to spend my life with anyone else. We are happy together.

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