After a helluvva rough night!
I don’t deny that the last week for me has been rough, l have had the lockdown blues for a couple of weeks especially that l know, where l have felt very ‘meh bleh!’. The effects of this current lockdown had got to me more that any of the lockdowns of last year. I think this one more so because of just all the political cockups and misinformation’s from the government, never mind a continuous stream of bad news. I don’t listen to the news anymore; it focuses on only a few things … “shitty stories sell newspapers!!” I always remember my advertising and marketing mentor telling me that.
“Rory, sex sells, shit sells, celebrity sexy shit sells, bad news sells, terrible news sells … as long as people can relate it will sell and even when it doesn’t, and they can’t – advertising can sell it faster than the news can print it out! The news needs misery to survive … always remember that!”
It ‘s just been the same shit for the last twelve months – Brexit and Covid – sure relatable content, but that doesn’t mean people don’t get tired of hearing about all the grime, shit, and death – because we do – they do, l do – l have had enough of hearing it – so l switch off, l switched off, l became obsessed with other things. I had my own shit to deal with – we all do, never mind how many people are dying, we have that to watch out for as well as keeping our sanity. Not letting the long covid of mental fatigue strike you into a form of lockdown psychosis – which isn’t really in the news and yet, it is just starting to surface with people in other ways … a lack of hope and desperation, frustration and misery, mental health problems on the rise alongside an economical depression and recession – people are starting to suffer more than a mere glimpse of cabin fever … people are starting to feel drained of life and energies, motivations and enthusiasms .. that shit is real.
Of course, the key in all of this is that in order to survive, l had to develop obsessions – not just for covid, but for my personal life and losses from last year. The death of Scrappy has hit me so, so hard – l miss her so much. I made a decision to NOT get another dog, l wanted to grieve her properly and l wanted to know what my life was going to be like without dogs in my life as companions? I had dogs in my life for nearly 30 years … that’s nearly half of my life … I took on board a property that didn’t allow pets … but to have another dog, there is and it is a huge responsibility – it ties you down and restricts you at times. So l needed time to be me again … what l didn’t see, was Suze’s move and whilst expected last year to be hard, l didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was, nor could l see giant house moves nor cancer!
So, in order to cope, l immersed myself into fixations and l focused on them … but there can be a danger to that – you can over focus, become too engrossed and lose sight of your goal or directions and that happened … when l allowed the stir craziness to step on board for a couple of weeks recently … but last night, despite being a helluvva of a rough one, served as a wakeup call to me and my behaviours!
“”What’s going on??! Stop being a twat Matier!”” I yelled at myself at 3.22am this morning, after briefly waking up and finding my quilt akimbo and pillows on the floor beside my bed … “Enough is enough, time to wake up, and NOT let a depression take hold … look at the bright side of life!!” I am normally quite a placid quiet sleeper especially when sleeping by myself … but, yes BUT if that is how my bed was at that time, it meant l was fighting conflicts and l am old and ugly enough to realise that l must use these signs as a means to improve again.
Obsessions are all well and good as a means of survival, but they are NOT the way forward long term … l had been obsessing over lots of things, over a game, my exercise, my weight loss, my belly, this blog, trying to be there for everyone, trying to not upset people, feeling guilty for things l most assuredly don’t need to feel guilty about …. so this morning when l yelled at myself – l told myself to grow up, get off the obsession wagon and get on with living my life again.
This morning’s walk was a hard walk, like yesterday, but yesterday l had a lot of doubts and confusions and disillusions … but a sweat walk today with more positivity and that made me see things straight again, l realigned my targets.
I started that this morning, before my walk. I had a chat with myself about my obsession with this damn Fitbit! It is still lives on my wrist and that is all … it can stop it’s moaning, groaning, and whining about l have to do this and that every hour.
Of course, we all know that the Fitbit is a just a watch, the real talk was with me … myself, personally – l told myself to be realistic, that to remember you don’t need to be bionic, just fitter, that you don’t need to keep challenging yourself harder and harder everyday like there is no tomorrow – because unless you drop dead in which case it’ll not matter anyway – there will be a tomorrow .. so, lower all these challenges and exercise expectations and make them realistic and if you do this, that’s one silly stress that doesn’t need to be worried over. Your exercise is supposed to be fun, failure to be so and it becomes boring, tiresome, choresome and defeatist! So, with everything lowered, l am back in control of my life and it’s no longer a fixed obsession, but a healthy activity.
I have been making changes in the blog since last month, and l am finally – finally thank goodness, coming to the end of that – but the next episode of Blog Changes 2BDun will focus on that philosophy – but with that obsession, there are a lot of small changes that many will not instantly be aware of … until they are. But with all these changes now coming to an end and being achieved, that is a huge worry off my shoulders and many of the smaller issues, will no longer be so draining of me and my time and it means l can refocus on the business target for 2021.
As to the game, l have been hyperfocusing on entertainment to relax myself with, so if l take away the stresses – then l can start to chill down again… that’s the plan.
But so far, so good.
I guess a rough night was needed, l should sleep well tonight though.