|Morning Musings Directory|
|Season 4 – Autumn 2020|
|Series 4 – I Am Who I Am|
|Wednesday 11th November 2020 – Walk Time 45 Mins|
|The things we don’t say, The thoughts we shouldn’t have!|
|Have any of your priorities with regards LIFE changed significantly during 2020 and if so, what and how?|
The things we don’t say, The thoughts we shouldn’t have!
Life Priorities and Changes – Observation 3
Do you know how hard it is to capture a falling leaf? More so with a Cybershot camera as opposed to looking like a romantic fool chasing one down a leaf strewn path? It isn’t easy but after six minutes or so this morning l managed to take this photograph in Sandown Road – believe it or not there are least 20 assorted leaves falling …. who would have thought it would be hard in autumn to capture falling leaves?
… and yet it was.
This last week l have been in very deep thoughts about my life and where l am in it. I ask myself daily if l am still OK? I mean, l know it’s ‘ok to not be ok’, but l am not not ok, l am ok and that is okay too. There is nothing wrong with simply being ‘just ok’, it means that at least you are ok as opposed to not ok!
I read a meme this morning that basically said sometimes you have to accept some things for what they are and move on, that NOT everything has an explanation and that you may never get closure to certain things and it finished with everything happens for a reason.
It is one of those usual feel good when you feel bad motivational memes …. except it doesn’t make people feel that good especially if they don’t always agree. Memes like this are usually designed by individuals for individuals to self motivate and try and make sense of some of the shit the world has dumped into your lap. They are also at times there just to make people feel better about cicrumstances beyond their control.
I am not blind nor stupid l understand the good intentions …
Some of these well meaning memes annoy the crap out of me – l know they mean or meme well, but not everything that doesn’t have an answer now doesn’t necessarily mean there isn’t an answer somewhere.
At times l feel we as people move on and accept things when maybe we shouldn’t simply accept but question further – but we do so to make life easier, for people, for society, for ourselves, for friendship, for love and for relationships and for many other ‘fors’ and because we don’t wish to rock the boat and cause either more conflict or concerns and upset. I guess it’s being human.
But when we do this all we are doing is bottling emotions, which left unchecked create stress, anxiety and tensions – the world is filled with the things we don’t say and it makes us, unhappy people. Furthermore it creates thoughts that perhaps we shouldn’t have.
Of course there are many thoughts we shouldn’t have but we do, because again, we are human it’s part of our nature to question everything and to imagine much.
In my blog l discuss with you all 95% of my life, occasionally 98% but very rarely do you get all of me, not many people do – of course some do and on the rare occasions that it happens l can feel quite exposed and quite unsettled because l don’t often award someone 100% of my emotion.
Last year l ordered a series of confidence courses and through one thing or another, l never managed to sit down and take them – mostly with Suze being ill, then Scrappy being ill and worse, then just normal stress, and then lockdown, then relationship hassles and then moving and then Suze’s cancer and everything else inbetween that to today!
I bought them originally because l wanted to boost my online confidence with regards a business opportunity that l was reviewing last year, which with everything going on fell by the wayside sadly and only now am l steadily starting to review again.
But this year, l have sort of lost a lot of my mojo and personal confidence l think. I write this because … as l take the first course, l nod in appreciation and acknowledge the learning curve but l am not learning anything that new that l didn’t know. That maybe my so called perceived lack of confidence isn’t that, but something else entirely different?
I am no longer the social escort from the 90’s or the motivation trainer from the mid 80’s … l am not asocial, but selectively social, l am not an extrovert nor an introvert l am as l would joke a selectavert but as Grace would rightly suggest an ambivert. So is my confidence that bad l ask myself? Well maybe yes, but as l have aged and lived a life that is more seclusive it’s not that l am lacking in confidence as l know all too well l am a friendly and amicable person, l feel it’s more a case of lacking in being in your face social.
So what l lack these days is more of a real life interactive social confidence perhaps. Do l need to be socially confident for and in a digital business? No – l don’t think l do, not really.
So if l am not lacking in confidence what is it that is wrong with me then? I have performed all the usual checks and tickboxes – l am not depressed, l am not lonely, l am not unhappy to live a life alone – l mean none of us are ever truly alone anyway.
As l discussed with a close friend over the weekend, l do miss laughter in my life, and deep meaningful conversations, l miss having someone close and yet l don’t miss people. I haven’t become dysfunctional, l am perfectly capable of living my life as a single man, a bachelor and l enjoy that – l really do, maybe more than l thought l would perhaps. I have missed it. I have missed my independence.
This year has shown and displayed to me a lot of change which l have had to respond to with speed, because naturally l am NOT a person who likes sudden change, and yet l have had no choice l simply had to evolve quicker than normal to cope.
Perhaps what has happened is that the changes of the early part of this year combined with the upheavals and unanswered questions have caught up with me and now l am simply in a state of deepest reflection as to who l am.
How can l move on to become a new me, if l cannot move on from the older me? Which then, brings me back to the meme …. ‘that basically said sometimes you have to accept some things for what they are and move on, that NOT everything has an explanation and that you may never get closure to certain things and it finished with everything happens for a reason’.
I think what has happened to me is that my ego identity has taken a bashing this year with not just one thing, but a combination of everything and not just from 2020 but for the last few years. I am not a natural egotist, but l am very conscious of my own self awareness and try to enhance where and when l can.
I find myself thinking of my own question to everyone else … Have any of your priorities with regards LIFE changed significantly during 2020 and if so, what and how? Yes they have distinctly and profoundly, my identity statuses are evolving, changing direction and creating the newer me. I think l may well be thinking about these changes for the rest of this year, but come day 1 of 21 l want to be moving on and starting fresh.
Thanks for reading, catch you next time.