Morning Musings

Morning Musings Directory
Season 4 – Autumn 2020
Series 4 – I Am Who I Am
Wednesday 11th November 2020 – Walk Time 45 Mins
The things we don’t say, The thoughts we shouldn’t have!
Have any of your priorities with regards LIFE changed significantly during 2020 and if so, what and how?

The things we don’t say, The thoughts we shouldn’t have!

Life Priorities and Changes – Observation 3

Do you know how hard it is to capture a falling leaf? More so with a Cybershot camera as opposed to looking like a romantic fool chasing one down a leaf strewn path? It isn’t easy but after six minutes or so this morning l managed to take this photograph in Sandown Road – believe it or not there are least 20 assorted leaves falling …. who would have thought it would be hard in autumn to capture falling leaves?

… and yet it was.

This last week l have been in very deep thoughts about my life and where l am in it. I ask myself daily if l am still OK? I mean, l know it’s ‘ok to not be ok’, but l am not not ok, l am ok and that is okay too. There is nothing wrong with simply being ‘just ok’, it means that at least you are ok as opposed to not ok!

I read a meme this morning that basically said sometimes you have to accept some things for what they are and move on, that NOT everything has an explanation and that you may never get closure to certain things and it finished with everything happens for a reason.

It is one of those usual feel good when you feel bad motivational memes …. except it doesn’t make people feel that good especially if they don’t always agree. Memes like this are usually designed by individuals for individuals to self motivate and try and make sense of some of the shit the world has dumped into your lap. They are also at times there just to make people feel better about cicrumstances beyond their control.

I am not blind nor stupid l understand the good intentions …

Some of these well meaning memes annoy the crap out of me – l know they mean or meme well, but not everything that doesn’t have an answer now doesn’t necessarily mean there isn’t an answer somewhere.

At times l feel we as people move on and accept things when maybe we shouldn’t simply accept but question further – but we do so to make life easier, for people, for society, for ourselves, for friendship, for love and for relationships and for many other ‘fors’ and because we don’t wish to rock the boat and cause either more conflict or concerns and upset. I guess it’s being human.

But when we do this all we are doing is bottling emotions, which left unchecked create stress, anxiety and tensions – the world is filled with the things we don’t say and it makes us, unhappy people. Furthermore it creates thoughts that perhaps we shouldn’t have.

Of course there are many thoughts we shouldn’t have but we do, because again, we are human it’s part of our nature to question everything and to imagine much.

In my blog l discuss with you all 95% of my life, occasionally 98% but very rarely do you get all of me, not many people do – of course some do and on the rare occasions that it happens l can feel quite exposed and quite unsettled because l don’t often award someone 100% of my emotion.

Last year l ordered a series of confidence courses and through one thing or another, l never managed to sit down and take them – mostly with Suze being ill, then Scrappy being ill and worse, then just normal stress, and then lockdown, then relationship hassles and then moving and then Suze’s cancer and everything else inbetween that to today!

I bought them originally because l wanted to boost my online confidence with regards a business opportunity that l was reviewing last year, which with everything going on fell by the wayside sadly and only now am l steadily starting to review again.

But this year, l have sort of lost a lot of my mojo and personal confidence l think. I write this because … as l take the first course, l nod in appreciation and acknowledge the learning curve but l am not learning anything that new that l didn’t know. That maybe my so called perceived lack of confidence isn’t that, but something else entirely different?

I am no longer the social escort from the 90’s or the motivation trainer from the mid 80’s … l am not asocial, but selectively social, l am not an extrovert nor an introvert l am as l would joke a selectavert but as Grace would rightly suggest an ambivert. So is my confidence that bad l ask myself? Well maybe yes, but as l have aged and lived a life that is more seclusive it’s not that l am lacking in confidence as l know all too well l am a friendly and amicable person, l feel it’s more a case of lacking in being in your face social.

So what l lack these days is more of a real life interactive social confidence perhaps. Do l need to be socially confident for and in a digital business? No – l don’t think l do, not really.

So if l am not lacking in confidence what is it that is wrong with me then? I have performed all the usual checks and tickboxes – l am not depressed, l am not lonely, l am not unhappy to live a life alone – l mean none of us are ever truly alone anyway.

As l discussed with a close friend over the weekend, l do miss laughter in my life, and deep meaningful conversations, l miss having someone close and yet l don’t miss people. I haven’t become dysfunctional, l am perfectly capable of living my life as a single man, a bachelor and l enjoy that – l really do, maybe more than l thought l would perhaps. I have missed it. I have missed my independence.

This year has shown and displayed to me a lot of change which l have had to respond to with speed, because naturally l am NOT a person who likes sudden change, and yet l have had no choice l simply had to evolve quicker than normal to cope.

Perhaps what has happened is that the changes of the early part of this year combined with the upheavals and unanswered questions have caught up with me and now l am simply in a state of deepest reflection as to who l am.

How can l move on to become a new me, if l cannot move on from the older me? Which then, brings me back to the meme …. ‘that basically said sometimes you have to accept some things for what they are and move on, that NOT everything has an explanation and that you may never get closure to certain things and it finished with everything happens for a reason’.

I think what has happened to me is that my ego identity has taken a bashing this year with not just one thing, but a combination of everything and not just from 2020 but for the last few years. I am not a natural egotist, but l am very conscious of my own self awareness and try to enhance where and when l can.

I find myself thinking of my own question to everyone else … Have any of your priorities with regards LIFE changed significantly during 2020 and if so, what and how? Yes they have distinctly and profoundly, my identity statuses are evolving, changing direction and creating the newer me. I think l may well be thinking about these changes for the rest of this year, but come day 1 of 21 l want to be moving on and starting fresh.

Thanks for reading, catch you next time.

28 thoughts on “Morning Musings

  1. That’s a lot to unpack…You have had one helluva of a year (covide aside) with so many really big life changes that really weren’t your doing or choice…you’ve been dealing with the aftermath of situations you had no control over. You seem to have done so with grace.

  2. Too much happened to the world around you and to you personally. It will take time and some deep thinking to unravel all that into a neat order. And as someone advised you well that not everything that happens can be fully explained or understood. At times we just have to go with the flow.

  3. I find that during crisis, I go go go, then when things settle, all the STUFF comes falling on me like your leaves. The entire human population is going through so many changes this year. And you’ve absolutely done some Mental Yoga that’s astonishing!
    I think taking time to examine yourself, who you ARE and what you WANT from life is something we should all do periodically.
    I would offer the advice of don’t THINK too much. Listen to the small inner voice, not the loud ego voice. Just because you don’t feel like you’ve got a plan or you’re not moving forward, doesn’t mean you aren’t getting anywhere. Maybe you need to be still and let the world move until the right door is in front of you.🤷🏼‍♀️

    🌊🦄💫🧸💌

    1. That is sometimes harder than said as you well know Grandma and you know what is irking me anyways – l have to get past the obstacles and try and come to peace with my inner voice.

  4. Thank you for sharing that. That takes confidence 😊

    I was wondering something… I also try to see what areas I can improve myself with? But I do that for me and me alone?

    I was wondering with what you say – are you concerned with the way other people see or perceive you? I know generally I would think not? You do seem pretty confident with who you actually are.

    But is it that you care what people think of who you are? Is that anything?

    I take a very hard stance with few things … just for my own self… if you wanna be there – then be there … I love enjoying life with people who want to be there… and then, I have to be happy myself and be who I am “as is”… so I can not and won’t put on a front or anything like that… I will be polite – but I need to be myself … either someone can handle or they can’t.

    If not – not meant to be. I am very matter of fact with that.

    I don’t want to ever be controlled or silenced or forget who I am ever again.

    I am still slightly silenced in areas – I just feel safer that way for right now .

    Anyway… life is a journey – you will learn yourself

    1. Hey Trisha 🙂

      The series is currently exploring a lot of different musings or observations on and in my life and how l am giving them thought, some things only have been discussed so far, many others have not.

      For me to analyse l present all facts to myself first and foremost and then l can see where l am.

      The confidence issue is not the confidence you might instantly think of it runs deeper than that and has a tie in with my Asperger’s – something many people will not instantly think of.

      Do l care what other people think about me? I think we all need to care to a certain degree otherwise we will all come across as shallow, self-centred selfish bastards and that’s not a good look for this winter as a merchandiser used to say to me. No, l don’t but yes l do and upper mostly l have to care about myself that’s the person that is most important to me.

      This post isn’t about other people it’s about me fighting to keep myself balanced and intact when the world about me is crazy. It’s about me feeling broken and trying to repair myself ready for next year and the only way l can do that is to think and express and talk about it, because l don’t have anyone to discuss it with in real life not all of it and to the depth. My blog is currently one of my closest friends, not the readership part to it, but the self-awareness of my blog. I am using my blog to heal me to get me through and to stop a depression hitting me hard.

      The post is about companionship and if anything, l suppose l am missing not the companionship of people, but l am missing my best friend who l had to authorise her passing at the start of this year. Dogs are wonderful companions that only dog owners would understand and they leave huge gaps in your life.

      But l am not having another dog just yet as l am still grieving my last one.

      This post is way deeper than most read at first glance.

      Life is a journey, one that l have been awake to for 57 years, and more cognitively aware of from the age of around 10 – l have walked this life , l have journey my life – l do understand that all too well.

      We all handle things differently Trisha, you choose to keep silent and you feel safer that way, me, maybe it’s a fault of mine, but l try not to bottle so l talk about it.

      1. Definitely do not be a Trump!! He doesn’t give a shit!!

        I am very respectful of others, very kind etc etc … that is being a basic human – yes I am aware that is not always the case

        But I do not care what anyone thinks of me for my own self – this is who I am. I am proud of who I am. Obviously I still learn and grow – that’s constant in life … but I went through a lot so I just want to be happy with who am and how do. ❤️

        My blog has been amazing for me too… I am very thankful that I have had it to help me heal through things ❤️ I understand there

        Totally understand grieving also – you do need to come to terms in your own time and there are no rules – just when you ready.

        I too miss that companionship – totally … ohhhhh but ya know, I just don’t know what is wrong with me there – I pull back huge with that… I’m just nervous and is sooo different to me?? I dunno … I am scared to be ready. I will come around in my own time.

        So I understand there too

        I have been aware – very strongly cognitively aware through life as well, since very very young.

        And I love that we are all different ❤️ there is nothing wrong with that?

        Do you feel separate because of the Asperger’s?
        (I am just asking because I do not know, so I ask)

        I stay silent because I have an asshole that terrifies me… but I definitely do not bottle my stuff. I stay safe and I survive

  5. Beautifully stated post, Rory. We should all take time to reflect on our lives in this way, being sure to state the positives as well as the negatives. I should try to see the positives. Seems the negatives have a positive hold on me at the moment and the two positives in my family make me wonder if positive is always a good thing when it should really be a negative to be okay. One of those all night problems and lack of sleep putting me in a strange place right now, and two positives that I wish were negatives instead.
    How is Suze? Hoping she is doing well and that you are well also. And wondering if God has left us.

    1. Hey Angela – hope you are keeping as well as can be expected. Have you managed to source out new digs for your sanity yet?

      Suze is as well as can be expected although her motivation and positivity levels are taking huge drops as one might understand considering her current plight.

      Me, mm, l’ll take the fifth for the time being, being truthfully honest. I am ok, and as said ok is way better than not being ok 🙂

      As l journey through this period of my life in time, l am looking at all sorts of areas really, there are many positives in my life and equally as many negatives – it’s all and always about balance 🙂

      1. I’m still looking, especially since all three elevators broke down at the same time oh Wednesday leaving me stranded on the ground floor with no heat and no food or water!
        I hope you and Suze are well now. Do you have Thanksgiving there? It’s not going to be like it used to be here in the past but maybe next year.

        1. Hey Angela, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving here. Suze finished her 4th week of Radiotherapy yesterday, another three to go, she is on the final but more intensive treatment leg now.

          Today l think l will be seeing her briefly as she is now considered critically vulnerable and can’t be out from her own bubble for too long but it’ll be the first time in a month that we have seen each other – l will give her your regards 🙂

        2. Hi Rory, Even a very short visit is usually welcome for people in Suze’s condition. There is such a feeling of isolation when the immune system is failing for any reason, and the chemo she is receiving is definitely NOT a bed of roses. I wish you could visit her more often, but in some cases people don’t want friends or family to see them so ravaged by the cancer and the treatment that is keeping them alive. I wish you well and you and Suze remain in my prayers,,

        3. Hey Angela, well we have lockdown here and l am also very respectful of Suze’s bubble. She is currently staying with friends of hers who are not friends of mine so it can be awkward.

        4. Ouch! That does make a difference. I wish I could come to take care of her. That was what I used to do when I worked for Hospice and I loved it!
          I hope we will have lockdown here again and soon. We are experiencing some horrible numbers of new cases in this country, mainly because our dear Prez (NOT) is tired of hearing about COVID so he won’t do anything to safeguard the country. In fact, as I;m sure you know, he goes out of his way to endanger people, Not that much longer until January and a new and caring President though. Sure hope there are still some people alive to see it happen.

  6. I’m trying to reflect on my life and finding so many things i did wrong that turned out okay in spite of me. Time to take a day and write it all down so I can see it when faith begins to waiver. Tattoo it on my forehead in reverse image so I can always read it by just looking in a mirror., and I have a horror of lookin g in mirrors!

    Still looking for that new place. If nothing turns up by February I’ll start looking for a used rocket ship and blast off to colonize Venus.

      1. I just need a good space vehicle and loads of O2 to take with me and I’m off. I’ll offer free space in the ship and all the land you want after we arrive there in case you guys are interested! Maybe the atmosphere will be conducive to curing cancer — who can really say?

        1. As soon as I land I’ll definitely let you know. A planet named after Venus (or maybe the other way around) should be prettier than the moon with nothing but rocks around, It might take me an hour or two to find a good signal for my phone and computer, but sure, I’ll definitely email everyone I know. If I remember correctly the trip only takes 3 or 4 years each way.

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