|Afternoon Strollings … Directory|
|Season 1 – Autumn 2020|
|Friday 06th November 2020|
|A Little Thing Called Happiness Is I Believe A Myth|
|Have any of your priorities with regards LIFE changed significantly during 2020 and if so, what and how?|
The weather today has been beautiful, the town quiet, although there was increased traffic abound on the second day of social lockdown both vehicle and human. Lots of grumblers have walked past these windows and l have heard all sorts of conversations today ranging from Trump’s behaviour, to ‘who is Biden again?’, to the state of play of Brexit, to the lockdown, anti-maskers, anti-vaxxers, there is ‘no virus’ conspiracists, car horns, fireworks, unfair, unfair, grumble, grumble and whinging and whining!
I get to the point somedays l just want to grab a wooden baseball bat named Lucille and charge out of my door swinging it wildly like a raging and deranged lunatic shouting out “STFUp l am trying to think in here!!”– but of course, l have more control. I sometimes think to myself what on earth are people on about – they have become so greedy with consumerism that they can’t see how lucky they really are – but why am l surprised this is the offspring of a throwaway society – they seemingly think the world owes them everything.
They are perfectly right RIGHT in their beliefs that in order to be happy, to achieve happiness, to be HAPPY they have to have their absolute freedom!! Why should they be required to wear a mask when there is no virus it’s all a bloody hoax!!
Well l then think, ask those who have lost friends and relatives, family members, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and other loved ones – if they think this is just some cruel government hoax to STOP you from drinking a beer in a pub?? They might just have a difference of opinion, you know??
Mostly l enjoy living on the main road because of the very vibrancy of life, of the people’s conversations of life but on occasion, l tire of it myself and more so when l am deep in thoughtful pondercation – like l have been this last week or so, but more truthfully, l have been in deep thoughts not just since January, or March but also and perhaps obviously since April, May, June and July, August, September and October and bloody November too! So basically most of this year.
I have had two distinct questions bouncing around in my head ‘Am l happy?’ and ‘What do l want from my life?’
I took a slightly longer walk this afternoon to get away from the madness which is otherwise known as the mutterings of a greedy fucked up society! Sorry if that offends you – my readers – , but it’s not personally aimed at your sensitivities, it’s aimed at my brain. I walked through the nature reserve for some much needed tranquility and then hit the Ramparts circular for much needed steps.
I was able to use the indoor bike again this morning and hit 15 minutes which was great, followed by thirty arcs and 200 step ups … l will repeat that again in an hour or so. I am not yet 100% health wise , but about 95% and l am happy with that it’s good progress.
Happy? Happy with that mate, really?
Am l happy, have l been happy, aside from the obviousness of the virus demonizing the world as l type have l been happy this year? I don’t honestly know anymore. What is happiness anyway, is it not just a myth created by the nonsense brigade? How is it defined? This is not aimed at the question brigade either it is just an observation of mine.
What do l want from my life? Well, l don’t think it’s happiness – maybe direction, maybe purpose, maybe wanting to feel wanted, to feel useful, purposeful, required … l don’t honestly know. BUT, these two questions have been with me for most of this year and whilst in one area – quite possibly more so since Suze and l started living under two different rooves but not entirely, that just added to an already heavily ingrediented disaster and misfortuned recipe! I have become even more cynical this year than last year….
A dear friend said to me a few months ago that l was heading towards a wild journey into life. Okay maybe so, l am certainly prepared for it as in not prepared at all. I am motivated, enthusiastic, passionate but l am not happy. To some people you can’t discuss life versus death in the same breath without them looking very closely at your mental health! When did it become so taboo to talk freely about the thoughts of death in a conversation without people suddenly thinking you are thinking of your own suicide?
I am not suicidal, but l am not happy, and this year l have given thought to my life and my death and my future. I think it is healthy to think about your end as much as it is your demise as it is your life and living your life. It’s healthy, not detrimental. Creative writers must think of all things it’s the way of the mind itself. If you write ghastly deeds and foul murder it doesn’t mean you are actively involved in those – it does mean you are capable though.
Everyone is capable of the foulest of deeds, if you can write it you can do it, sometimes it is just requiring the right trigger point, the right or wrong prod, but you may write of murder, you can do murder, but you don’t that’s the difference. I can think of death, of suicide in a calm manner and not have any wish to draw my last breath through my own hands.
So this afternoon, walking through the beauty of natural life l both thought and was thinking of death, but not depression, purpose but not end, and happiness with no particular unhappiness, just logical and calm thoughts of depth.
What am l wanting for and from my life? How do l wish to go forwards from here and what is forwards from here? Is that the quest for happiness or just the quest for survival – that life is short as this year has shown on so many levels, and that this so called happiness is but a mere myth?
I don’t honestly know, but maybe this is the start of the wild journey….
Catch you next time, thanks for joining me today!