|Morning Musings Directory|
|Season 3 – Summer 2020|
|Series 3 – “Rediscovering And Identifying With Me Again”|
|Thursday 08th October 2020 – Walk Time 45 Mins|
|The Ghosts Of Only The Lonely|
The Ghosts Of Only The Lonely
“It’s far better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone — so far.”
― Marilyn Monroe
Thoughts to ponder upon ……….
I am lucky in many ways to be who l am, as in not being someone else, but just being me. Over the years people have said “Oh l wish l was like you!” or “Those are very admirable attributes you possess, you don’t know how lucky you are!!” So on that level – l guess l must be lucky to be as in and as opposed to being someone other than me and being someone else!
Yet, because l am ONLY me, and can only ever be me, truly me, l cannot relate on any level with those who wish to be me – because l have no wish to be them! I am happy being me. For many years l actually didn’t know who ‘ME’ was – prior to my diagnosis for both bipolar and Asperger’s l was many a time lost to my own identity.
The identity l held for many years was yes of course, me, but l always felt awkward in my own skin. My parents, not that either [although one is deader than dead now] would acknowledge that at one point if not several in their lives they would have loved to disown me because of my strangeness – my social awkwardness, my ability to not feel certain emotions at times ………. yet had they bothered to actually ask me properly and not treat me like an imbecile – they would have understood that l was a very sensitive boy who experienced many emotions.
One of the so called attributes, that my parents hated about me – was my ability to detach from people combined with a wonderful gift to never get lonely ………… l do not class that as a gift – nor a fault, it is just part of my persona. I understand all too well aloneness but that is very different to this so called loneliness that people say l am lucky to not experience!
Okay l will have to take their word for it on account of the simple fact that despite what people say ……. l don’t believe in loneliness – not in today’s world – l think loneliness can manifest itself for the wrong reasons with people.
I am very happy by myself – l happen to like me a person and l can spend hours and countless hours with me as the sole companion to my day ……
Aloneness is different as it is a joyful acceptance of your own company and you are happy for that only, whilst the so called loneliness is when you are not happy with your own company and seek the company of others to offer and award you more life fulfilment than you can yourself or more importantly believe you can yourself.
Of course this is open to several medical translations and personal observations and interpretations and l can only relate to you my opinion.
My father was, according to himself, a very lonely man – yet he was surrounded by people all the time and demanded to be surrounded by people all the time to make himself ‘not lonely’. Yet when questioned what would make him not lonely? His response was to bring back his one time lover who left him 20 plus years ago to better her life with another. Yet according to him – he was a very sad and lonely man!
My mother when she lived with my father maintained he made her feel lonely within their relationship and would prefer to be alone than married to him! Now she is many years divorced and seperated and not connected to him and he died two years ago – she now lives by herself – alone, but not lonely.
…….. the thoughts of pondercation!
I was very lucky to have managed to squeeze a walk in this morning as when l awoke the rains were hammering a million droplets of splashing slivers of silvers onto the streets below my window …… another wet day l thought – joy!
Although that mattered not at that time, for l was on a mission – moments before as l lay in my bed looking at my iPad and reading comments that things were not right in the world of ‘commenting’ as it would happen. So l got out of bed, looked outside, cursed British weather and hobbled downstairs to attend to the matter at hand. Which l so did. Then l shaved and showered and dressed all the meanwhilst it continued to rain!
I dressed for walking, because hell or high water l was going to get a walk in today!! It was as l was pulling on my socks that l overheard a conversation outside my window in the arena that l now fondly call ‘Street Life’ and l shall write a poem about it soon also ……….. the conversation was right beside my desk window – no one can see me, because the curtains beside the desk are never drawn – several reasons – security and the light makes writing awkward!
I couldn’t see them either, but knew it to be two women – they were standing literally outside that window and talking about life and one of them said …
“I am just so lonely Mildred, l am thinking of getting divorced from him, he makes me feel lonely!!”
“But he such a good man to you Hazel – he would do anything for you.”
“Yes, but l shouldn’t feel lonely within my marriage!”
They must have walked on, because there was a huge silence and no more exchanges … and l sat here for a moment pondering on those thoughts and debating whether Hazel was lonely or just very much alone and unhappy with her marriage? I guess she was lonely because she had expectations of her husband and those entailed him being more of a presence in her life.
The rains broke and for a wee while there were slices of blue and white cloud, so without further ado l shoed up , coated up and went out for my Brisker 25 – except l can no longer walk briskly due to my groin injury … l now hobble limp and my 35 minute walk takes me 10 minutes longer to complete. But as l walked l of course pondered on the conversation between Mildred and Hazel – lonely or alone?
I guess it will always come down to interpretation per individual – is that a lonely tree or a tree standing alone? The world’s full of lonely people … or people who are alone?
My mother divorced my father for many reasons – loneliness and aloneness were not mentioned – whereas physical and mental cruelty and adultery were…. it’s always interpretation.
I vowed to never be like my father and all the way through my life l was completely different to the man – so much so that my father hated me for it much of the time and so started calling me names detrimental to my personality – to make him feel better.
I divorced my wife after 14 years of marriage for adultery and mental cruelty and abuse – one of her insults was that she never truly knew me – who was l??
This always hurt and cut deep, because l did struggle with huge personality problems – l sometimes think that those on the autism spectrum don’t realise how very lucky they are to receive a diagnosis at a young age and they annoy me when they gripe and groan about being upset at being misunderstood and yet, some of these autists have been diagnosed from as young as 12, 15, 20 and yet l received my diagnosis even though l knew l wasn’t right at 44.
I was an adult by this time, and l received my Asperger’s diagnosis then after a marriage of 14 complicated years that could have been made certainly easier if we had both known. One of the other things my wife hurled at me was ‘l made her feel lonely!’ It seems that phrase is almost as genetic as is my autism! It seemingly haunts the family line!
I was 44 when finally someone uncapped the jar of worms about my Asperger’s and it made my life very easy to suddenly understand … well, after an initial period of some 4 years of reinventing myself and readjusting to who l was born to be!
After my divorce l lived alone with my 2 dogs in the middle of bloody nowhere for four years , convinced l would NEVER make a good partner for someone especially as l researched and found out that sadly some of the negative/positive traits of autism is that we can detach from people very quickly, we don’t feel certain emotions and that many of us don’t experience or even understand loneliness because we can create worlds for ourselves – but more importantly – sadly because of that attribute many a time we can make people feel lonely when with us.
I therefore vowed that l would never deliberately make another person feel alone when and if l had another relationship.
When Suze and l stopped living together as a couple this year and although we are loosely a couple now – one of the main reasons for her wanting to live alone was that “l made her feel lonely!”
When l heard that back in April … l knew l had failed to a degree and was no different to my father … no l am not a violent person, l have never struck a woman, or committed adultery, or gambled house monies or any other heinous crimes – BUT – l had made someone l loved very much feel alone or lonely within the relationship … that’s why l then made damn sure that Suze would get her wish and she now lives alone and apparently happier even though she still gets lonely? But more confusing are her comments about ‘she could live with me again and wouldn’t feel that way, because l have changed’.
Meanwhile, l live by myself in a large house and and am very happy with my own company and have aloneness as a companion but l don’t get lonely … ever.
I have learned however, that l don’t think l will ever have another relationship again because l cannot live with the thoughts that l make people feel alone in a relationship and yes l have changed, l have become more seclusive once more and that cannot be good company for anyone who thinks they feel lonely can it?
All these ponderings from two women called Hazel and Mildred talking outside my window this morning and certainly a lot of deep meaningful thoughts were provoked for sure.
I was lucky with my walk this morning, although l was hobbling more than walking …… but as l look at the time now at just after five pm and it’s hammering down once more, there’ll be no more walks today!
Thanks for reading everyone see you next time!