|Morning Musings Directory|
|Season 3 – Summer 2020|
|Series 3 – “Rediscovering And Identifying With Me Again”|
|Wednesday 09th September 2020 – Walk Time 32 Mins|
|Oh And On The Irony of Tumbling Leaves|
Oh And On The Irony of Tumbling Leaves
I have heard the word irony a lot these last two weeks or so, and l have seen this last week a lot of tumbling leaves. The latter is caused by the season we are finally starting to creep into – that being autumn one of my favourite seasons of all and the former is a term that Suze is using a lot of late to describe me and my ‘new behaviours’.
If l was to be paid a £2 for every time she has mentioned it in the last seven days alone l would be well into triple figures by now. I am seemingly dumbfounding her every day with the ‘new me’. Also if she didn’t know me better one might think l was doing it deliberately – but she knows that is not how l roll! But above everything else – that l have changed so very much in such a small time for the better!?
Can you explain it, she asks me frequently – well can you? Yes l can ….
Suze is astonished that l clean my house almost daily, that l now walk twice daily and am very focused on my health, that l am treating this house like a home and attending to it with a lot of desire and care, attention to detail and that above all l am becoming more adventurous and that l am offering to help her to do more things? That l am now blogging less??
There are more confusions from her towards me but in the main these are the prime causes of astonishment from her.
I am continually confused by these ‘questions’ – for to write them down like this makes me come across as some kind of good for nothing layabout! That never did anything whilst we were living together as a couple??
Other times l find them quite upsetting – but l try and detach from that and try harder to see where Suze is coming from?
I have never been an untidy person, my mother described me as freakishly tidy when l was a child and l have qualifications that display me to be a qualified Housekeeper and l even spent a small while in the 90’s training as a Butler. As l have aged l am not as stand to attention as l once was because l do like houses to look, feel and smell like they are lived in and so l am forgiving small dusty areas. But l always hoover and dust and l always did.
But Suze is forgetting l feel that she has at times incredible OCD issues and more so when she is stressed which manifests itself in the form of cleaning and when she is on a stress rampage, everything is cleaned within an inch of it’s material life!
With the death of Scrappy, plus still being unwell and recovering from 2019, lockdown and her freedoms taken away from her, her sociality also taken away and then with the ability to only work from home and still combined with a worry for her job. Her OCD during lockdown didn’t always welcome additional help and l had learned over the years we had been together as a couple that sometimes it was best to leave her to it.
So maybe l am guilty of not doing enough around the house.
Unlike now when it seems l am non stop – and this is only true to a certain degree and that is l am moving things around most days and therefore l need to hoover more. New carpets also means hoovering more as the more you walk on them the more fibres are released. But it’s a house that needs dusting frequently because it is also an old build that between rentals was never deep cleaned.
Furthermore Suze finds it fascinating that l am actively involved and proudly so with all elements of housework and l am enjoying the responsibility. This baffles me too – l used to clean the previous house but come lockdown – someone else started in earnest. But l enjoy houseworking.
Suze was offering to do stuff for me here in the new house and l declined much of the time on the grounds of not being gracious because l am, but because she is poorly with cancer which would be enough by itself, but that l am capable once l know the instruction – l can do it. Before her chemo started she was kindly doing my washing as we weren’t sure if the water pressure here was strong enough it turned out to be more than adequate. l said ‘Stop’ , l can do this ……… and then l felt guilty because Suze looked crestfallen.
She would recover her features and praise me… but l couldn’t help but wonder why she would want to continue to offer these services when these were reasons we ‘split up?’ I think the biggest problem is that she is unable to let go of things at times – at her own concession she can be a bit of a controller and of course with this dreadful disease l can only imagine the horror of being constantly out of control. So familiar grounds must be sought.
So me keeping a clean house whilst logical baffles her ……..
When Scrappy was alive we all three went out frequently for walks, sometimes if l was ill l couldn’t but Scrappy and Suze did – sometimes we walked different times. Some mornings l walked Scrappy, others Suze did – many mornings after Scrappy’s death l walked in the mornings as Suze was starting to log on to her works computer – in fact that is how this series first began back in April – l would start to record my Musings over the walks and take photographs but mostly they were just slow strolls.
Suze took Scrappy’s death very hard to heart, as did l – but l had been preparing for her passing for months and l thought so too was Suze – she wasn’t and hadn’t and so that terrible day January 12th – struck Suze down badly. If l was to place a singular moment on our relationship faltering, it was with my/our dog’s death. It wounded Suze deeply. She had lost a walking companion and confidant and this became more of an issue when lockdown struck and Suze could no longer leave the house to go to work.
Suze was always fearing that with Scrappy’s death l would go into some kind of emotional breakdown and lock her out of my grief due to my Asperger’s and the ability to detach and yet – l didn’t do that – l tried to be supportive for Suze despite losing one of my best friends of sixteen plus years – Suze shied away her grief and wouldn’t let me in .. we started to break apart l feel at that.
Now l walk twice a day and my new health routine confuses Suze – but she forgets at times the very length of the previous garden and the responsibilities l had with the gardening, the vegetables and the compost – working frequently awarded me a lot of exercise and the Musing’s strolls were just that – albeit sometimes hikes – mostly slow photography walks. But with those gone and spending a lot of time sitting down in front of computers l must keep myself active more.
So l walk now twice a day, even from today this walk l describe my thoughts – l extended by an additional two streets. I now need to walk more because the garden work is way way less – there is no more physical composting and or raised beds or vegetables to water – l now become edgy if l do not walk – l have a stomach that wants to get bigger and l need it to get smaller so l need to walk and soon also to cycle it off.
She forgets too, that now we are both living apart we are on very different time schedules and more importantly l find l have more free time? I want to utilise that time to better my health and of course that is not a dig. Suze is currently encumbered with a most dreadful problem and she will feel twinges of jealously – she is missing her walking, her paddleboarding, her Nordic walking – Suze was a very healthy person – we both were and we always were as a family. So l don’t doubt that Suze is not happy – l don’t think any of us would be.
Maybe l have upped my game of sorts in so far as exercise but l am frustrated with my current health and sometimes l am wanting more that can’t be got and exercise burns that discontentment off.
Suze is further surprised by the fact that l am treating Willow like a home over that of just a house, a temporary stop over like she refers to her house as ……. l am not surprised at this. I needed this to happen in my life – l needed to have some foundations, some grounding … l needed a home to hang my hat.
I had moved so many times from a young age with my parents [ l mean by the time l was 12, l had lived in 23 different houses and had been to 12 schools!] to even during our own relationship together. Suze and l from the time we started seeing each other in 2013 to 2020 had lived in and shared together six houses, if you include hers and mine now that is still 8 houses in 7 years and worse it is mostly in 5 years.
I used to be called Nomadic – but it was never my choice when with my parents – and Suze is very Nomadic – l am not sure if she will ever be able to find somewhere where she will call home.
I was already as many of you know, in the throes of changing my blogging behaviours – l was producing less posts – less posts means l have more free time to not just ‘exercise’ but the long term goal was to be able to start a business. So l needed to stabilise my blogging and my blog …… if l am guilty of anything – it is maybe taking too long over that – but that’s because l never rush into anything these days … l think first and l think long!
Of everything that Suze finds irony in with regards us and there is no malice not that l can detect l think it is genuine surprise at just how much l have changed since March this year – that she didn’t think would happen or that l wasn’t perhaps capable of.
I think the truth is that as a couple we had become stuck in routines with each other – we were both grieving the loss of Scrappy. I was still missing the woman l had fallen in love with and watched change dramatically in 2017 with post menopause. Suze herself had been in a form of anger since her daughter emigrated to Australia in 2015 with her children and she was still poorly from being ill the previous August 2019.
As a couple l think we ‘both’ needed the seperation and l think what we need now and she will always have from me, is friendship. That maybe we had burned out as a couple. She is firstly and foremostly my best mate and l will always love her dearly and where l am now and this is acknowledging all the changes not just since moving in July, or March but l think since May 2017 is that l have changed significantly and recently profoundly but above everything l had to change to survive.
But then, we all need to do that at times don’t we?
Thanks for reading everyone see you next time!