A Series of Epiphany’s, Coincidences and Deeper Confusions?
I spent time with Suze yesterday over at her house. It had been the first time l had seen her since last Thursday when she had been here and we had an Indian take away together as a treat before her first bout of chemo treatment the following day.
How did that go? Well she had to be at the hospital at 8am – she had to go alone for a number of reasons – mostly social distancing, but also because where the treatments are in the hospital there are a lot of already very sick people in there – so no additional bacterias are welcomed.
She was there till 6.30pm that day. So she had to endure ten and a half hours of treatment for the day – to the layman as l was and many others are this means that a series of flushes are carried out before the actual chemo. The flushes are performed to protect the kidneys which the chemo would otherwise aggressively damage.
The chemo treatment itself is only 2 hours but the other 8 hours are to receive flushes of saline, potassium and mannitol and those three are the first flushes in sequence before the chemo – so there is 6 hours of just flush, then you have 2 hours of chemo followed by another 2 hours of saline flush again. Then an additional 30 minutes of having an external pump attached to the PICC line which is to remain attached to Suze until tomorrow which continues to feed into her body more chemo. So in essence you have one aggressive day in hospital then four days in tow with even more treatment filtering through when you are at home. Plus she must inject herself several times a day in the stomach …….
How is she doing?
Well she is constantly and expectedly tired, but then she is still receiving chemo and she is looking forwards to having the pump removed tomorrow. She can’t do a lot and when she does do things she is tired almost instantly. I helped her sort out the kitchen yesterday – her brother had made her some custom build shelves to go into the alcove under the stairs and of course she is still very far behind unpacking from her own move back in July. She cut my hair – so l no longer look like a yeti anymore. We went for a small walk and that was her lot. I did some gardening for her and then we sat and chatted till l was ready to come home and my taxi arrived.
She doesn’t know yet if she is going to host a blog or simply join a Facebook group – but l think she will be doing something soon. I advised her to not start a blog on account of how very tired she was and to join a FB group where upon she could talk to people with the same problem as her – it’s times like this when the need for your own tribe or community is needed and perhaps not breaking into fresh grounds. She could if she wanted to host a blog some other time – when her confidence was higher and more stable.
As we chatted l told her of my plans for the house here, what l had done, what was waiting to be done, what was slowing me down, about the blog about how many of you had sent her well wishes and she was very thankful for those by the way … and also, how much cleaning l was doing now … which made her stop and just look at me and asked.
“Why did you not do as much cleaning when we lived together?” I answered with, ” But l did clean the house daily, but once lockdown started and you were working from home – you took over everything and then everything had to be done a specific way and during a specific time. Whereas when you were working as long as everything was done ‘before’ you got home the housework was undertaken at a much slower pace.”
“Oh l see, l just wondered how ironic it was that now you are in your own house you seem to always be cleaning?” Suze said.
“Well it’s a big house and because l am always moving stuff around l am shifting dust around all the time and although the agents had it cleaned before l moved in, it was never deep cleaned so l am having to do that.”
“I see …….. it just seems that you are experiencing a series of epiphany’s or is it just coincidences?” She asked.“So really, it was a good thing that we split up then? Because l do miss you, but l thought it would be for the best …”
I had to stop her there as l was becoming a little confused … “Wait a minute, surely you are not trying to tell me that you wanted your own space and we stopped living under the same roof because you thought l wasn’t cleaning the house enough??”
“Well no of course that’s not the only reason, l just wanted my own space and l thought you needed it too?” Suze suggested.
“Let’s leave this conversation for the time being sweetheart as it is getting very complicated. Okay?
I am honestly more confused today than l was back in April when this all hit the shit fan as a topic between us as a couple and l think for sanity sake it needs to be dropped.
It was good to see Suze yesterday and l will be pleased when the pump is detached from her as maybe she can start to get some of her old self back before the next chemo treatment on the 21st.
I am one week in to my new healthy regime, of two walks a day and in those 7 days l have lost 2 pounds which is not bad seeing as it is only through walking. My indoor exercise bike is being delivered on Thursday and l am looking forwards to that. That will allow me an additional fifteen minutes of exercise a day to begin with and what l want to do is build up to an hours worth of cycling a day in support to my two walks.
I need to lose a good stone and a half in fatty weight and bring myself down to 11 and a half in weight with an additional half stone of build muscle so that l can keep my tone and definition in place. 12 stone for my height of 5’9″ is where l need to be and l am currently resting on 13 stone.
Many of you probably know that l have a stomach/bowel disorder that l have had since 1994 and still remains undiagnosed by the medical profession after countless tests and investigations over the last twenty years and also after in 2008 l had cancerous polyps removed from my bowel and luckily that has stayed away – but l still have this stomach problem. It prevents me from eating from a varied diet of foods and causes me a lot of intestinal bloat and serious discomfort many a time.
Of course ‘take out’ doesn’t help, no matter how good it is – my bad!!
I am figuring that instead of wasting more time with the medical profession l am just going to try and combat this myself for good this time – stress is always my enemy and l have had my fair share of that this year for a collection of reasons – but l am determined to lose this tyre of weight l have around my midriff.
I intend to with careful moderation so as to not injure myself which would be defeatist is through walking and cycling, diet control and stress reduction over the remainder of this year improve my health. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain if l achieve success. If this ‘tyre’ was not so uncomfortable perhaps l would be happier but it is a daily displeasure so it’s my duty to do the best l can to see it gone.
The handyman came today and we sat and discussed the jobs and life in general, nice guy, a couple of years older than me, but we clicked and that is a real bonus. All in all there is probably a full days worth of work here that include picture hanging, garden wall repairs, curtain and blind fittings up, water butt attachments and small plumbing issues with maybe some painting thrown in as well. Once these jobs are done … Willow will start to become my home and with that l am hoping my stress levels will start to really drop. Well that’s the plan anyway!
I put some new blackout curtains up today in the guest room or what will be known as ‘Wings of Radiance’ that are a beautifully rich ochre or sunflower yellow. I have been waiting for their delivery for a few weeks, and they are actually really nice – they now just need to hang for a few hours in the warmth of the house to get their full drop ……… as l was hanging them after l cleaned the windows and the frames l realised l hated the pole as it was cheap and nasty – but was the one here in the house. So now l have ordered a new room darkening extendable pole to hang the curtains from which will actually do more for them.
Oh well slowly and surely things are coming together – l do think by the end of this month Willow will be complete and that will be excellent!
Anyway – thanks for reading – catch up with you all soon.