|Morning Musings Directory|
|Season 3 – Summer 2020|
|Series 3 – “Rediscovering And Identifying With Me Again”|
|Thursday 27th August 2020 – Walk Time 45 Mins|
|“Sometimes – it is a case of not seeing the wood for the trees and there is ‘actually’ an art to letting go!”|
“Actually an art to letting go!”
I used the top original musical piece many years ago when l used to choreograph fashion shows – sorry? You didn’t know l did that? Why would you? I have never told you – until now. Well if you read my semi-autobiography published to the blog 18 months ago you may have seen a small entry then.
Truth is the Art of Noise, Yello, INXS and Ultravox used to be the main stays for many of the shows l put together. In the mid to later 80’s l managed perhaps 5 shows for the ladies fashion company l was working for and then when l resigned l started my own enterprise called EDO Promotions Limited which was a nightclub fashion business and l hosted a further 25 shows.
I named my business EDO after listening to an album by Midge Ure entitled The Gift and especially two tracks … it completely and utterly inspired me. His whole album did, l was a huge fan of Ultravox in the 80’s – many of us were – but this solo album was his first. I also met Midge in London in a nightclub in the 80’s and was additionally inspired just by him.
It was ‘fashion choreography’ that in many respects held me in good stead for becoming an escort in London in the early 90’s with a friends encouragement. I used to work out the dance routines because l was myself a dancer – not professionally trained – but if anything ‘nightclub trained’ it was something l enjoyed – the whole nightclub scene ..l was never really a DISCO kind of guy – that scene was too flash, too brash and too loud – l preferred the stalk of the nightclub….
l was a clubber for many years and l even managed marketing and advertising for the nightclub scene as a career move for a short while – the 80’s were a very busy and highly stimulating time for me – and whilst l still greatly adore the music from then – as a time l wouldn’t go back – as much as l had thrills and spills and high adventures l also had great sadness and grief and loss, and madness, and depression and suicide attempts ……….. as they say you can’t have one side without the other side – the darker side to creativity is madness not genius!
Here we are in 2020 and l am writing about the mid 80’s to the start of the 90’s – that was thirty years ago — l have moved on from then, l have allowed Time to award me experience of life, to allow me to celebrate living and me …. l didn’t just move on from those times, l remember them – but l let them go.
|Gallery This Morning’s Walk|
It’s hard letting go – it’s never easy and many a time we don’t wish to do it – because we know where we are – we know our moments in time, we know our moments in love – we know what we like and to move on, is to incite change – is to illicit a change in our lives that may not always be for the better – and yet if we don’t change, if we don’t move on and let go, then we become stuck!
We become complacent to our own stagnation – we are in many respects complicit to everyone else that doesn’t move on with their own times – it’s our job, our very duty to progress our histories always forwards – but as with history – the secret is to not pretend it didn’t exist – but to learn from it – it was a part of who we are, it made who we are today ………
That’s what l am experiencing now – l am evolving, l am changing and once complete l will have changed yet again and moved forwards and expanded and extended my history lesson on my life.
At the start of this year in January – l was a dog owner and involved in a relationship of 7 years. I lived with my partner in a bungalow in Kingsdown. I gardened a large vegetable garden, l was a conventional composter – l lived in a well to do area of Kent, l took my walks in woods and open fields, l maintained a blog, l, l, l ….
….. and there were many other variations of me, myself and l and yet, 8 months later in August – l am different … again, l am changing … and for a while it was overwhelming me. Not the way you may think, but because all the changes were fast and furiously challenging and seemingly all at once!
Today, writing in my blog l am a different man – the same as yesterday – just a little more wisened to my own history lesson – change swept in like a tidal wave and swept me over and over – but as is my way, as many times as l topple, l do pick myself back up. Fall 7 times, get up 8!
As l walked this morning, l was ever appreciative of the learnings l have acquired throughout all my years of being aware to me – not just through being parented as a youngster, or mentored as a teenager, or working a career as an adult – but everything. My today’s, my yesterday’s, the start to this year, the end of each passing year ….. l was able to think as l walked and retrace my life – the good and bad times.
I am glad l took this time out this week for many reasons … but the main one was to allow myself the time and freedom to ‘let go’ because there is an art to letting go’. One of the biggest issues l was struggling with not just now but for the last few years was being too hard on myself and creating huge expectations of my Time! I have a big thing about Time – Time can control me and l need to control Time for me!
This week, l finally let go of Time controlling me in the Blog – all this year l have had a conflict with my blog – l love blogging – but since starting l have been through many phases and the blog has been like a new relationship – from first dating, to courtship, to the honeymoon period – to the first year to the learning phases and acquisition of knowledge and then to the understanding of where your blog truly features in your life?
What’s it true purpose?
Well this year has been a trial of what my blog means to me – it is an important part to my identity and that was long, long before events this year unfolded. The Aspie in me senses it as a special interest, a showcase of ideas whilst it also serves as a virtual friendship arena – a community of like minded people’s and their creative imaginations and friendships – that is important to me.
But is the blog my business ? No, my business is to be seperate – l will write about my business, but my blog is my hobby, not my business.
But the big thing l had to let go of? Was the conformity of expectation l had put on myself governing Time and the sheduling of ……. over the last few months due to the events unfolding this year, l have worked very differently – but recently – in the last couple of weeks – apart from one post that goes out daily to my community in the way of a universal greeting – l have learned to let go of fixed times on posts and now l just blog…
Now to many this’ll mean Jack Squat – but to those of you who can relate to this all too well, you’ll know what l am referring to – we place a huge expectation on ourselves to deliver content daily and we feel guilty if we do not. I have beaten the Time issue and l am slowly working on the Guilt issue – but hey as they say …
Sometimes – it is a case of not seeing the wood for the trees! Other times they say that there is indeed an art to letting go – but it can take time!
|What Was Once|
Everyone changes and ‘what was once’ can not always be.
When people speak of the times before now,
To what are they referring?
It is oft said upon others, where is the person once known?
Always does it come back to ‘what was once?’
And what was yesterday, but yet another reflection,
Moments caught up in the hourglass of reason,
Echoes receding like a thousand lost footsteps, a dereliction,
Abandoned thoughts, careless whispering,
Thoughts lost over time, traceable only by memory,
Inner portraits of the person still present,
Foundations from creation, drifting in err,
Illusions of what was once, now spent,
And what was once our yesterdays are sands slipping through rifts,
Of time, like escaping breath caught up on a cold day,
Held momentarily in a void, before the wind will shift,
Them away into nothing, so that may become our philosophy.
What was once simply was, and can not always be.
© Rory Matier 2012 – 2017
Thanks for reading everyone see you next time!