After a While You Ask Yourself ………
…………….Where Has All The Magic Gone?
“A pondering and meandering post!”
It’s been a good few years since l have lived as a bachelor and by this l mean a total full time bachelor as opposed to living with a pet/s for companionship … l mean the last time l was a part time bachelor [as in with pets – Dora and Scrappy] was in the caravan in which l was in residence from June 2009 – October 2012. Plenty long enough l can assure you – being a part time bachelor wasn’t the problem, but the residence and the landlords were!
Prior to the caravan, l was in a relationship that went horribly south from the north and l was in that for a short while as in July 2007 – March 2009! Although for a very short while as in February 2007 – July 2007 l was a part time bachelor then with 3 cats and 4 dogs. Prior to that l was married from 1994 – 2007 when we seperated and l was thankfully divorced in 2008.
From 1986 – 1993 l was YES l was a full time bachelor! Prior to that l was living at home”’ish as in, my stuff was at home, but l didn’t live there – does that count as being a bachelor also? Probably. So on those grounds from 1984 – 1993 – l was a full time bachelor! Buuut!! Between the years of 1984 and 1993 l was aged 21 – 30! I was a career orientated single guy with an unusually high libido, a wacky sense of humour and some very bizarre thinkings and thoughts with some even more unusual hobbies!
Between the ages of 21-30 whilst l had a high libido, l wasn’t actually acting upon it – l lived a frustrating life at that level for another couple of years of sorts ….. l will explain that comment later this year – but when l was 19 l had been on a blind date with a lady by the name of Louisia and she introduced me to some very strange practices and goings on during my young bachelor days! But the difference between 1993 and 2020 is not just 17 years, but it makes me 57 today whereas l was only 30 back back then!
At 30 life had me by my balls and tickled them, whereas these days life has me by those same balls but is squeezing – it’s much harder coping with squeezed balls than it is with tickled balls! You find yourself asking questions … like “Where does time go to … really?” or “What is Really? Bugger that what is real?”
So it’s been a while since that magic was present, but that was the magic of my youth – being young and foolish and free as opposed to the magic of being older, more experienced, wiser and maturer! There are lots of types of magic out there for those keen enough to discover and explore the wonders! I have over the years, explored lots of wonderful!
When you start to near 60, you hope that your life will start to settle down, that you can relax a bit that your life’s experiences have brought you to somewhere different and easy and chilled. One hopes .. of course l am nowhere near 60! Although l am closer to it now than l was a couple of years ago – but l don’t feel 60 which is great considering l am only 57, but l don’t mentally feel 57 either. Physically however l feel closer to 90 some days .. no magic there whatsoever! But l am hoping to reinvent some of that magic for myself in the next 12 months!
Rediscover some of my lostness, yes that is a word and if not, who cares? I’ll make it a new word – but worry not, it’s actually a word defined as ‘feeling lost’.
Now for the record – the following applies to me … l am NOT lonely, I am NOT depressed and l am NOT upset by any of the emotional people upheaval of the last few months. I am obviously still missing my best mate of 16 years … Scrappy – she was a very close confidant as indeed was Dora. As l write they are directly behind me joined by Jake. So, let’s not be thinking ‘Oh bless, Rory is depressed, lonely and upset at the whole relationship thing!’
I am not, but that doesn’t mean, now that my world is slowing down as in reduced physical activities from leaving the other house – that l don’t think back to the events that led me to be here today typing this ‘pondering post’. Because that would be unavoidable to anyone … well maybe and perhaps not the shallow people of the world – but to deep thinkers like me or empaths or emotional people – well we tend to examine these moments in our lives and ask ourselves questions which are quite pertinent to where we are today!
The other thing is my blog is a lifestyle blog, this very series ‘Dear Blog’ is a lifestyle series meaning l use this as a way of talking and writing and exploring and examining moments in my life – so that perhaps one day in the future l can look back at the episodes and see how l was then and how l coped or reacted or over or under reacted to those ‘moments?’
Currently in both serious and humorous modes l ask myself …. where has all the magic gone and where did it go and did it go and if so, when?
Jokingly l said to myself today living as just me as opposed to living with another, living with Suze that certain things are very different now – l have a washing basket that is still filling up two days on the trot as in it’s not empty yet until l empty it and put a washing cycle on! I am no longer eating in conventional hours, l eat when l want or l don’t. I do what l want and when. This is not meant to be read as derrogatory to Suzanne – she too will be feeling the change of routine – we still see each other every couple of days – it may change after Hillyfields keys have gone back to the landlord and there is no need for us to perform ‘house transports’, by then we will only be two friends.
So, house stuff humour to one side … the other thing left is confusions as to why the magic that was us – stopped? The reasons being – l am not adventurous enough or someone wanting their own space, place and pace despite them having all of that before anyway, l never placed restrictions on the relationship – although the actual reality being apparently of ‘one not wanting to have the responsibility of commitment to another – to do their own thing in their own time and space and just remain friends! You don’t have to be autistic and on the spectrum to struggle with these types of ‘grey areas’.
Confusion is still bloody confusion despite how it may be painted!
Furthermore, it is being suggested that perhaps we had become complacent to each other and that we needed more adventure and spice and that variety is the spice of life …. and once you have that – then life is magical? Oh right … so that is where the magic went then – into complacency? Was l guilty of being too complacent or becoming too complacent with us – l hope not, l worked my nuts off for us to work and only those who can remotely understand that to me and my life will know what l mean by that with all obstacles ever present – l did my very best – it’s all we can do isn’t it? However – l will give that some further meandering and pondering thoughts too … afterall, that is what thinkers do, we think.