Dear Blog – 21.45 – 25/07/20

photo of fireworks display during evening
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After a While You Ask Yourself ………

…………….Where Has All The Magic Gone?

“A pondering and meandering post!”

It’s been a good few years since l have lived as a bachelor and by this l mean a total full time bachelor as opposed to living with a pet/s for companionship … l mean the last time l was a part time bachelor [as in with pets – Dora and Scrappy] was in the caravan in which l was in residence from June 2009 – October 2012. Plenty long enough l can assure you – being a part time bachelor wasn’t the problem, but the residence and the landlords were!

Prior to the caravan, l was in a relationship that went horribly south from the north and l was in that for a short while as in July 2007 – March 2009! Although for a very short while as in February 2007 – July 2007 l was a part time bachelor then with 3 cats and 4 dogs. Prior to that l was married from 1994 – 2007 when we seperated and l was thankfully divorced in 2008.

From 1986 – 1993 l was YES l was a full time bachelor! Prior to that l was living at home”’ish as in, my stuff was at home, but l didn’t live there – does that count as being a bachelor also? Probably. So on those grounds from 1984 – 1993 – l was a full time bachelor! Buuut!! Between the years of 1984 and 1993 l was aged 21 – 30! I was a career orientated single guy with an unusually high libido, a wacky sense of humour and some very bizarre thinkings and thoughts with some even more unusual hobbies!

Between the ages of 21-30 whilst l had a high libido, l wasn’t actually acting upon it – l lived a frustrating life at that level for another couple of years of sorts ….. l will explain that comment later this year – but when l was 19 l had been on a blind date with a lady by the name of Louisia and she introduced me to some very strange practices and goings on during my young bachelor days! But the difference between 1993 and 2020 is not just 17 years, but it makes me 57 today whereas l was only 30 back back then!

At 30 life had me by my balls and tickled them, whereas these days life has me by those same balls but is squeezing – it’s much harder coping with squeezed balls than it is with tickled balls! You find yourself asking questions … like “Where does time go to … really?” or “What is Really? Bugger that what is real?”

So it’s been a while since that magic was present, but that was the magic of my youth – being young and foolish and free as opposed to the magic of being older, more experienced, wiser and maturer! There are lots of types of magic out there for those keen enough to discover and explore the wonders! I have over the years, explored lots of wonderful!

When you start to near 60, you hope that your life will start to settle down, that you can relax a bit that your life’s experiences have brought you to somewhere different and easy and chilled. One hopes .. of course l am nowhere near 60! Although l am closer to it now than l was a couple of years ago – but l don’t feel 60 which is great considering l am only 57, but l don’t mentally feel 57 either. Physically however l feel closer to 90 some days .. no magic there whatsoever! But l am hoping to reinvent some of that magic for myself in the next 12 months!

Rediscover some of my lostness, yes that is a word and if not, who cares? I’ll make it a new word – but worry not, it’s actually a word defined as ‘feeling lost’.

Now for the record – the following applies to me … l am NOT lonely, I am NOT depressed and l am NOT upset by any of the emotional people upheaval of the last few months. I am obviously still missing my best mate of 16 years … Scrappy – she was a very close confidant as indeed was Dora. As l write they are directly behind me joined by Jake. So, let’s not be thinking ‘Oh bless, Rory is depressed, lonely and upset at the whole relationship thing!’

I am not, but that doesn’t mean, now that my world is slowing down as in reduced physical activities from leaving the other house – that l don’t think back to the events that led me to be here today typing this ‘pondering post’. Because that would be unavoidable to anyone … well maybe and perhaps not the shallow people of the world – but to deep thinkers like me or empaths or emotional people – well we tend to examine these moments in our lives and ask ourselves questions which are quite pertinent to where we are today!

The other thing is my blog is a lifestyle blog, this very series ‘Dear Blog’ is a lifestyle series meaning l use this as a way of talking and writing and exploring and examining moments in my life – so that perhaps one day in the future l can look back at the episodes and see how l was then and how l coped or reacted or over or under reacted to those ‘moments?’

Currently in both serious and humorous modes l ask myself …. where has all the magic gone and where did it go and did it go and if so, when?

Jokingly l said to myself today living as just me as opposed to living with another, living with Suze that certain things are very different now – l have a washing basket that is still filling up two days on the trot as in it’s not empty yet until l empty it and put a washing cycle on! I am no longer eating in conventional hours, l eat when l want or l don’t. I do what l want and when. This is not meant to be read as derrogatory to Suzanne – she too will be feeling the change of routine – we still see each other every couple of days – it may change after Hillyfields keys have gone back to the landlord and there is no need for us to perform ‘house transports’, by then we will only be two friends.

So, house stuff humour to one side … the other thing left is confusions as to why the magic that was us – stopped? The reasons being – l am not adventurous enough or someone wanting their own space, place and pace despite them having all of that before anyway, l never placed restrictions on the relationship – although the actual reality being apparently of ‘one not wanting to have the responsibility of commitment to another – to do their own thing in their own time and space and just remain friends! You don’t have to be autistic and on the spectrum to struggle with these types of ‘grey areas’.

Confusion is still bloody confusion despite how it may be painted!

Furthermore, it is being suggested that perhaps we had become complacent to each other and that we needed more adventure and spice and that variety is the spice of life …. and once you have that – then life is magical? Oh right … so that is where the magic went then – into complacency? Was l guilty of being too complacent or becoming too complacent with us – l hope not, l worked my nuts off for us to work and only those who can remotely understand that to me and my life will know what l mean by that with all obstacles ever present – l did my very best – it’s all we can do isn’t it? However – l will give that some further meandering and pondering thoughts too … afterall, that is what thinkers do, we think.

19 thoughts on “Dear Blog – 21.45 – 25/07/20

  1. Well done on the pondering and meandering! I’d say there’s plenty more where that came from. Best wishes on sorting it all 😊

  2. There is a time when people grow apart while growing in life. That might have happened to you two. But the good thing is that you both realized that fact and the separation is amicable too. Wishing you both all the best in future.

    1. Yes it’s amicable Sadje, there is no need for hostility between friends, but the confusions outweigh a lot of what hasn’t been discussed yet by me out aloud. It’s still confusing to me because of certain dare l say it … but confusions.

      My Suzanne, doesn’t wish to live with me, but would still like for us to be friends and in a relationship without being in a live in relationship and whilst at times that appears to be B&W, other times it is far from understanding.

      Oh yes people do grow apart and l have experienced that – but this is very different to that …. which is why it is so confusing.

  3. The whys and wheres are always the toughest. Mostly because they simply not be answerable. Part of being Younique.
    I started to sputter at “slowing down at 60″… I’m 52 and feel like I’m just getting started!💃🏼 If only my body would cooperate a little more😉
    I only had a short period of time being alone. I met my ex when I was 18 and by 19 he had moved into my apartment.

    And for the record, I cant imagine why Suze thought you weren’t adventurous. Seriously… I’m sure she knows more of your stories than you’ve shared here, and just what’s been written shows an adventurous spirit!

    Ponder and muse and ponder the muse🧸💌

    1. Hey Grandma, Suze has since retracted that statement [not adventurous] – but it still sticks in my head as you can imagine and grates somewhat.

      I don’t think l will ever know why Suze did what she did when she did it and whether it was an over reaction to lockdown and going bat shit crazy for a while or whether it was triggered by the death of Scrappy and that adventure disappearing .

      I know when we first started dating, we had discussed ‘not living together’ as a conventional couple, but we did agree to live together – as you know it wasn’t a simple or fast decision, we took nearly two years getting to know each other first before taking the plunge.

      Some things still even now a few months on, do grate a bit considering everything we have been through together as a couple that would make couples stronger and yet here we are – living apart.

      After living together for five years and now living apart based on ‘wanting space of my own’ [Suze], that is the biggest confusion l guess – we could have achieved that in a bigger property … there is a side to me that completely and utterly gets this and another side that doesn’t and then the other sides that say ………….. seriously? Have l failed as a human being? As a partner? What did l do wrong? What more could l have done?

      But the truth is without blowing my own trumpet – having made so many errors previously [due to unknown Aspergers] l worked really hard at making this relationship right ……….. so l know that whilst autism may be challenging, it is no less challenging than menopause or post M which can be even more of a challenge than autism.

      I know, l did this relationship right, l did it the right way ……. we will still be friends and good friends – maybe as Sadje has said above, we have grown apart on the relationship side as will survive as friends and our love will simply become that of friends and nothing more or we will also fade away as friends at some point and move on and never know why.

      1. All true. I thing you went Waaaaay above and beyond. And knowing you, you will continue to do so. I think Suze may not know WHAT she wants and needs to spend some time looking inside herself.
        Dont beat yourself up about this. It is what it is and now a new adventure begins. Time for you to put Rory first!

        1. Maybe that applies to both Suze and myself – she changed seriously after menopause – i want her to be happy, she wants me to be happy and we both want to be friends – life is a mystery 🙂

  4. Often, even when doing all the right things, people change and grow in different directions. It is confusing especially when there are still loving feelings. If you accomplish the current goal of remaining friends, you may be able to sort out more of the past. Good luck in your new phase. I hope you find joy and happiness when your routine settles in.

  5. Confusion can be very troublesome…slowly the moving will be completed and both of you will experience the new life…I hope time will help to clear the confusion 🤪

  6. Sometimes life just happens. Things change ,people change, life changes. Often fighting that just things worse. Take each day as it is. Try to enjoy the moment and worry about the future another day …..

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