I Know You Forever or Do You?

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I Carried You Therefore

I Know You Forever or Do You?

At which point do you believe you ‘really’ know someone? One question split a couple of ways … and also down to both reflection of an individual’s belief and an individual’s interpretation. However let me explain a little about the creation of this question ….

An interesting thing that Omatra said yesterday l shall adopt in my explanation of this question …

“…. no one has walked my shoes.”

Omatra7 of Learning Life

My mother and l were once close – but that was when l was a much younger man in my early to late teenager years and from my twenties and when l started to move away from the family home properly we started to see less of each other. There was a period of time from the turn of the millenium when she didn’t see me for 8 years [2000 – 2008], and then there were also times in my early twenties to late twenties to early thirties when we had very little contact at all – spoken or physical – l just got on with my own life.

We are still not close now emotionally and or distance wise, although since being with Suze 2013 till now with Suze being very family orientated as opposed to me not being that way. I do have more regular contact with my mother but perhaps not like other families. I call her every couple of weeks to make sure she is okay, l send her presents and l have seen her in the last seven years perhaps five times.

I love my mother not just because she is my mother and there is some kind of duty bound obligation – but because l do love my mother but l don’t easily forget how she was when l was a youngster when living at home. Life with my father was brutal and despite him being dead now for nearly two years still my mother doesn’t move on from that – his aggression, his brutality – we all had to live through his behaviour – some of us faired differently to others – my mother and l fared very badly,

But what she forgets at times is that she wasn’t an angel either and in her frustrations with my father her husband she at times took it out on her children, we were used at times as punching bags be this mentally and or physically – but equally we were used as weapons against the other parent. Life was NOT always brilliant as my mother’s or my father’s son.

I left home as quickly as l could and through various ways this was either with starting work from a young age at 15 in catering to be out of the house or when l officially left the family home at 18 on work secondments. From the time l was in my earlier twenties my parents were already starting to lose sight of me as a person as well as their son .. l very deliberately became in some ways anti-parent, anti-family, anti-father and anti-mother.

I worked hard to be very different from everyone and everything l had known, l dropped the expectations everyone else had of me, l threw away duty and duties and obligations and combined with my own free spirited uniquity l set about discovering me – my mentality, my sexuality, my ethics, my career, my passions and enthusiasms, my community or tribe and more importantly – my ‘me’.

A massive incident in my early twenties changed me forever, it took away the person l used to be, the person people used to know and l suddenly walked a very different path and became a very, very different person that many people struggled to understand – let alone know.

Sure the unknown and hidden Aspergers for sure was always present and that shaped many of my life decisions and behaviours as l have aged and indeed as l was ageing then. But the more l started to drift away from my family – the less and the very less they were to learn about me, know about me and generally know me at all.

The young man of 25 was a far cry from the teenager of 15, a far far cry from the teenager of 18 and a further scream from the young adult of 20. I was changing not just yearly but daily. Every single day was a new discovery and l continued to change enormously from 25 – 35 and from 35 – 45 and 45 – 50 – fact is l have never stopped evolving even now – in the last seven years Suze has said l am very different to the man she first met and the man she knew last year..

I am at my own concession the only member of my family alive and dead who has significantly and deliberately changed every part of my duty bound learnings and obligations from young – l am my family by name only.

There are very, very few people that know me 100% – Suze only knows 90%, my blog readership knows me by 80% with my permission and volunteered accounts of my life and yet my mother probably only knows me generally by 60% ‘if even that’ and personally by 45% in other words she doesn’t really know me that well and what and who she knows by 100% is the teenager of 15. So she knew my personality 42 years ago more or less inside out.

My mother is quite a vain women, and now that l am splitting up from Suze suddenly and seemingly believes she has ‘earned’ the right to come and stay with me in my new place for a weekend, long weekend and or week or two for a holiday so she can tell her friends that ‘She stayed with her son down in Sandwich‘ because Sandwich is quite posh??

I am aghast at such a thought – it literally mortifies me as well as annoys me in many ways – my mother lives in Surrey which as Suze and l joke is quite possibly ‘more posherer’ than Kent!

It annoys me because she believes we are that close and that l have some obligation to her, but more so because l have heard the classic line that fills me with absolute horror and confusions both.. “I carried you for 9 months therefore l know you, my son forever!”

I honestly don’ think l could spend any longer than a couple of hours with her and so the thought of a much longer period would be quite an undertaking! My mother is delusional , she doesn’t know her son as well as she believes or thinks because of the changes l have undertaken during my life and she has not walked my shoes!! But it did make me think about 2 questions ….

Why do some mothers believe they know their children inside out when it is blatantly obvious they cannot and more so if they have had very little contact with them – what is it that makes them think – they know them forever? Is it a mother’s bond or is that purely poppycock? Is it perhaps more a case of wishful thinking … what?

When do you think and at what point would you say that a person knows another person by a good 85% if not more and if at all – what qualifies another to say something like ‘I know them forever?’

Let me know below in the comment section. Thanks Rory

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23 thoughts on “I Know You Forever or Do You?

  1. I don’t think that a mother really knows her kids after they stop being kids. They grow away from her and become their own person. As a mom of three, I can say I know about 40-50 % of my children’s personality but not more unless they share their thoughts with me completely. Which rarely happens as they are all grown ups now.

    1. Very true Sadje – very true l agree with that percentage – my mother will know 1] what l have shared and 2] some of my general traits from when l was at home BUT, that’s more or less it.

      Thanks for commenting 🙂

  2. My mother doesnt know me either. Our relationship has always been emotionally reversed, with me taking care of her… making sure SHE is emotionally happy? Content? Fulfilled? … I got tired of tying myself into a pretzel to please her and always falling short. We text a few times a month.

    My daughters and I are close. The older still lives with me & the younger calls or texts just about every day. As adults, they are my friends. I DO know them. Better than they know themselves sometimes, but that’s my experience of life and being involved in their lives on a daily basis.

    I think to truly know someone takes time and attention. There must be a DESIRE to understand the other person from their viewpoint… to walk in their shoes. Too many people are only concerned with their OWN viewpoint, their OWN hurts or problems or desires…

    Your mother is barking mad if she thinks she’s staying at your new place and I hope you put your foot down. There’s NO way that’s a good idea unless she’s unconscious the entire time. Just having her IN your new home will disrupt the vibe. I’m shuddering thinking about it, and I dont even know the full history… just what you’ve shared.

    It’s rather conceited and narcissistic to believe we are so powerful or sensitive as to truly KNOW a person just because we gave birth to them. Each person is an individual, formed by THEIR life experiences.

    1. Ha ha hey Grandma, an excellent answer indeed, yes my mother is both barking mad and delusional!! So far everyone who has answered here and privately is very passionate about this topic – perhaps as my mother is in her 80’s her beliefs are an age thing? Your mother must be in a similiar bracket as in 70 – 80? Maybe it’s a demograph era thing?

  3. I don’t think anyone even knows themselves very well, much less another person knowing them well. Life is constantly changing and our reactions to those changes cannot be reliably predicted, so we are always in a state of flux – You know yourself but only in the moment, the moment passes, you and life changes, there is now more to you to know that you didn’t know before. (I’m certainly not going to touch the whole mother thing given my ‘relationship’ with my own female DNA contributor.)

  4. A word to the, obviously, wise: do not allow your mother to move into your life (or ‘stay’ with you for a week or two) – your intuition is spot on.

    1. Hey KC – it’s just not going to happen on my shift ha ha – there is NO way she will be coming over for anything other than an afternoon and then leave the same day 🙂

  5. Wow, quite the post.

    Hmm… so when you were growing up and your parents were having difficulties she was miserable and took it out on you? Is that correct?

    So yeah I can see why there was some harsh feelings … it’s hard – there is no manual how to be a person or how to parent while in a bad situation.

    For me,.. I had never been exposed to such horror or terror whatever you want to say… before… my childhood was amazing, and happy… I wanted my children to experience what I knew …

    My parents were good at sheltering… so I knew how to do that too… I sheltered them from the really bad stuff and turned their attention to me and kept making them laugh – I wanted them to have laughter.

    But again every mother is different … so there is that… think about the decisions you yourself have made in life… sometimes they were good and sometimes maybe not so good… your mother is only human and the only one you have.

    There is a question I want to ask… but if I ask it… your answer will be from what you feel “now”… try to keep that in mind and look at this honestly

    If she died, have you said your peace and would you be sad.

    Do you feel like you can’t be yourself with her? Because you are an adult now so … you want to be who you are… can you accept her? She did give you life.

    I only say these words because I lost my father… with him I went through some rough times… not just with the cancer –

    I wasn’t who my father wanted me to be. So whatever ✌️ We all go our own path.

    But we got over our things – he realized – I am going to be who I am, and so he can either accept or not… he did. But I was still cautious ✌️ ahhh yeah daddy issues 😘

    So ya know… careful because one day she will be gone for good… how will you take that?

    And then lastly – as a mother myself… hmm… well I have been everything for my kids – they literally are my entire heart – I have never known a greater love than the love for your own children

    I do accept them as they as, how they are – my thing is “if they are happy”.

    Just like I accept them, they accept me with my little quirks lol

    She is your family… do you have anyone else? And who knows – sometimes time changes relationships ?? What if you start enjoying your time with her and you reconnect differently. She is just a person who happens to be your mom.

    If you don’t want her to visit, then you should tell her that. She does seem to sound excited to spend time with you… and even if she is vain and just wants to tell her friends “she stayed with her son”

    Just makes her happy for a moment… that is good to do in life. You give someone a memory they will always cherish and remember?

    I know is hard though and again I am just saying because I lost my dad… and then I continue to lose my mom… so to me… you are kind of still lucky to have her. I am jealous

    I love my dad very much, he was a good father, a good provider, a good man… I loved him always through our differences …

    You just want the best for your kids and again there is no manual

    Also on a side note.. most people got fucked up by their parents in the first place lol… sorry to be blunt with that … but kinda lol

    Even my parent didn’t have it perfect … and even I don’t

    I know my kids very well…

    And as far as me knowing anyone else or letting them come in close… I have to know I can trust them, they are sincere, and I do not have fear they will hurt. Then I can relax.

    Everyone has their issues…

    I think for you, you need to figure out what is best for your own self not what anyone else thinks…

    I told you my thoughts, please do take that into consideration … I think she means well – and I think she misses you and is proud of you! It sounds that way to me?

    Does your mom accept you as is? Do you accept her that way? What about her gets under your skin?

    She probably doesn’t remember the bad times you remember… those were memories that struck you not her?

    She probably looks at you and thinks she did pretty good, you turned out pretty good at this point right? You are proud of yourself and accomplishments right? And you are strong in convictions … so yeah she’s thinking she did pretty good

    Maybe a weekend would be good to reconnect?

    She knows she is aging and time is ticking … she wants a memory with you.

    Are you her only son? Are you an only child?

    I am first of 3. Little brother (5 years younger) and little sister (9 years younger)

    This answer is probably jumbled but hopefully you can understand my babble… as well as maybe think about some of those points

    Sometimes you don’t know what you will miss until it is gone, you don’t even know how that will truly hit you.

    Make your decision wisely ✌️

    1. Hey Omatra, quite the answer – l shall come back to this today properly – thanks for commenting – but a long answer needs thought and not a quick response 🙂

      1. I did kinda bombard you with other questions lol sorry ✌️

        But really awesome and raw post – is a pleasure to get to know you! I like that a lot!

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