I Carried You Therefore –
I Know You Forever or Do You?
At which point do you believe you ‘really’ know someone? One question split a couple of ways … and also down to both reflection of an individual’s belief and an individual’s interpretation. However let me explain a little about the creation of this question ….
An interesting thing that Omatra said yesterday l shall adopt in my explanation of this question …
“…. no one has walked my shoes.”Omatra7 of Learning Life
My mother and l were once close – but that was when l was a much younger man in my early to late teenager years and from my twenties and when l started to move away from the family home properly we started to see less of each other. There was a period of time from the turn of the millenium when she didn’t see me for 8 years [2000 – 2008], and then there were also times in my early twenties to late twenties to early thirties when we had very little contact at all – spoken or physical – l just got on with my own life.
We are still not close now emotionally and or distance wise, although since being with Suze 2013 till now with Suze being very family orientated as opposed to me not being that way. I do have more regular contact with my mother but perhaps not like other families. I call her every couple of weeks to make sure she is okay, l send her presents and l have seen her in the last seven years perhaps five times.
I love my mother not just because she is my mother and there is some kind of duty bound obligation – but because l do love my mother but l don’t easily forget how she was when l was a youngster when living at home. Life with my father was brutal and despite him being dead now for nearly two years still my mother doesn’t move on from that – his aggression, his brutality – we all had to live through his behaviour – some of us faired differently to others – my mother and l fared very badly,
But what she forgets at times is that she wasn’t an angel either and in her frustrations with my father her husband she at times took it out on her children, we were used at times as punching bags be this mentally and or physically – but equally we were used as weapons against the other parent. Life was NOT always brilliant as my mother’s or my father’s son.
I left home as quickly as l could and through various ways this was either with starting work from a young age at 15 in catering to be out of the house or when l officially left the family home at 18 on work secondments. From the time l was in my earlier twenties my parents were already starting to lose sight of me as a person as well as their son .. l very deliberately became in some ways anti-parent, anti-family, anti-father and anti-mother.
I worked hard to be very different from everyone and everything l had known, l dropped the expectations everyone else had of me, l threw away duty and duties and obligations and combined with my own free spirited uniquity l set about discovering me – my mentality, my sexuality, my ethics, my career, my passions and enthusiasms, my community or tribe and more importantly – my ‘me’.
A massive incident in my early twenties changed me forever, it took away the person l used to be, the person people used to know and l suddenly walked a very different path and became a very, very different person that many people struggled to understand – let alone know.
Sure the unknown and hidden Aspergers for sure was always present and that shaped many of my life decisions and behaviours as l have aged and indeed as l was ageing then. But the more l started to drift away from my family – the less and the very less they were to learn about me, know about me and generally know me at all.
The young man of 25 was a far cry from the teenager of 15, a far far cry from the teenager of 18 and a further scream from the young adult of 20. I was changing not just yearly but daily. Every single day was a new discovery and l continued to change enormously from 25 – 35 and from 35 – 45 and 45 – 50 – fact is l have never stopped evolving even now – in the last seven years Suze has said l am very different to the man she first met and the man she knew last year..
I am at my own concession the only member of my family alive and dead who has significantly and deliberately changed every part of my duty bound learnings and obligations from young – l am my family by name only.
There are very, very few people that know me 100% – Suze only knows 90%, my blog readership knows me by 80% with my permission and volunteered accounts of my life and yet my mother probably only knows me generally by 60% ‘if even that’ and personally by 45% in other words she doesn’t really know me that well and what and who she knows by 100% is the teenager of 15. So she knew my personality 42 years ago more or less inside out.
My mother is quite a vain women, and now that l am splitting up from Suze suddenly and seemingly believes she has ‘earned’ the right to come and stay with me in my new place for a weekend, long weekend and or week or two for a holiday so she can tell her friends that ‘She stayed with her son down in Sandwich‘ because Sandwich is quite posh??
I am aghast at such a thought – it literally mortifies me as well as annoys me in many ways – my mother lives in Surrey which as Suze and l joke is quite possibly ‘more posherer’ than Kent!
It annoys me because she believes we are that close and that l have some obligation to her, but more so because l have heard the classic line that fills me with absolute horror and confusions both.. “I carried you for 9 months therefore l know you, my son forever!”
I honestly don’ think l could spend any longer than a couple of hours with her and so the thought of a much longer period would be quite an undertaking! My mother is delusional , she doesn’t know her son as well as she believes or thinks because of the changes l have undertaken during my life and she has not walked my shoes!! But it did make me think about 2 questions ….
Why do some mothers believe they know their children inside out when it is blatantly obvious they cannot and more so if they have had very little contact with them – what is it that makes them think – they know them forever? Is it a mother’s bond or is that purely poppycock? Is it perhaps more a case of wishful thinking … what?
When do you think and at what point would you say that a person knows another person by a good 85% if not more and if at all – what qualifies another to say something like ‘I know them forever?’
Let me know below in the comment section. Thanks Rory