Season 2 – Spring Summer 2020 – Series 2
“Awakening to Changes”
Friday – 29th May 2020
My Slice of Pie Too!!
Walk Time 55 Mins & 6000 Steps
“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful…”José N. Harris
This morning’s walk was long overdue – the last being last Saturday and this was slightly different on account of Suze and l walking together – but it was a nice long walk and workout given the week l am in.
It’s been one of those weeks – those trying weeks, those annoying weeks, those frustrating weeks and those weeks that you simply think … for goodness sake can we just move on to the next phase please?
I mean there is enough stress currently to fill a landscaper’s hole .. this damn Gutenberg editor is NOT an enjoyable ride – l detest it! Do l hate it? No, but l really don’t like it and it worries me – because it’s is supposed to be going live in a couple of days and l seriously am confused as to HOW that is going to work considering it is still horribly glitchy and itchy and flinching? it’s actually not nice. It’s laggy and questionable and l don’t trust it and l hate not trusting things l have to trust!
When in doubt – look to the trees!
When creating a new post now l have to create TWO posts because one is going to constantly crash whilst the second will not – what is THAT all about WP?? I have to keep saving after every paragraph block …just in case’ It takes forever just to make a single post FOREVER!! However – l must remain positive!
But it is occupying my entire life at present whilst l try and reconfigure all my main pages… l am behind with everything – gardening, composting, writing, studying, reading! Note to readers …if you ever see a person with Data OCD – don’t laugh because it can be extremely painful!
Sometimes decisions can be reached by looking at nothing special!
I have / had the stress of an abscess that was determined to ruin my week and in many ways succeeded and although it is retreating to depths from whence it came it is still lingering like some kind of strange unwanted boil from naughty times abroad! It’s there occasionally popping out from the corner and yelling BOO! But slowly and surely it is starting to get better – thank heavens for antibiotics!
I have the stress of the gardening and now being behind with the composting – okay no biggie, but l like to keep on top of things. I had the stress of trying to make a decision on whether l would be looking for new property with a slice of nature or with access to a slice of nature only? That was a real biggie – but it was a troublesome thing to ponder upon. Then l have the stress of wondering about the garden here and basically running it down to the point of being able to start the pack up because neither Suze and l will be here by the end of this year.
I am cool with the relationship being over and just having a friendship in place – but now that l have come to that point – l want us to get on for a number of different reasons but mostly because Suze wants to get on with her life and l want to get on also. That might read badly, it is not meant to – it’s been a number of weeks now since Suze declared she wanted to live the life of a singleton and in that time l have basically thought ‘well actually, l would like some of that pie too!‘
… and l do, l really do. Suze doesn’t want to have the responsibility of having another person in her life – she just wants to DOOOO stuff and whilst mine isn’t exactly the same … l want to have the freedom to not care. NOW, l know that will read badly … l am always going to care for Suze – but l mean l don’t want to have to continually worry for her when she is not here and if we are not living together we can both do our thing and just see each other as friends whenever – no control, no rigidity and no restrictions – just as and when. in the main we can be two singles again.
Suze doing her ‘Gladiator film bit’
She wants to not be in a relationship and neither do l – l want the freedom to be whoever l want to be, when l want to be and how l want to be.
But more importantly here we both are 67 days into lockdown and a month since her decision to wish to be a singleton and l thought what’s going on? Well we are procrastinating. I have been looking at property and Suze loosely so … my main concern was can l give up the garden? “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no , oh l don’t bloody know!!!“ That had to stop, so this morning’s walk was ‘Right, time to stop the dilly dally and make up your mind and then stick with it! It’s not a forever home you are seeking, but an 18 month letting!”
Taken on this morning’s walk looking towards the golf course.
So today l decided to NOT have a garden and literally go for a 2 bedroomed flat rental – close to town, for me that is Deal. i would make content with a community garden access to walks, and get myself a new lens for the camera and l could watch nature that way through my walks. I would go for two bedrooms so l can have a bedroom and an office and a garage which would help me with additional storage on account of not being a driver.
I had to be honest – who was l, who am l, what do l want from life and how am l going to get it? What do l need to offload in order to achieve it? Well l want to be starting a digital business and l need to be able to hyperfocus on it with 100% dedication and this means giving up other things … l can get exercise and activity from walking.
Looking out towards St Margaret’s on Cliff
So who am l or who am l looking to be? Well l am a single man now looking for adventures and new journeys with no relationships or emotional emcumbrance, looking to start a new digital online business …….. the rest including already mentioned is a blank canvas.
If l take away gardening and composting the world of property opens up further. If l take away the need for an actual garden … further still! A single bachelor with no spouse or girlfriend or significant other, no children, no pets and no smoker – well hello the world becomes your oyster! Living The Life of Riley of sorts can begin.
So today, this morning l started looking properly for quirky flats [has to be quirky this is me we are talking about], in the town centre for convenience and if possible close to the sea. Although l am more of a green energy type of guy – l still love the sea. I have found a property, a 2 bed flat by the sea in Walmer and am awaiting viewing – but today is the first day forwards. No more procrastinating.
This is what Suze and l want, Suze wanted her independence back – then l decided she needed some gentle pushing too…. so tomorrow she now has a viewing set up to look at a two bedroomed house in Deal as well.
It’s truly beautiful where l live, where we live, but we’ll not be far from here when we are both in Deal, walking distance – but when you have two legs, a camera and the sea close by … you can grab a slice of your pie wherever you are!
It’s time to start the journeying forwards.
“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.
The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.
If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.”
― Deepak Chopra
Thanks for reading catch you all again soon.