Season 2 – Spring Summer 2020 – Series 2
“Awakening to Changes”
22nd May 2020
“Me No Blair Witch Boohooster!”
Walk Time 35 Mins & 2700 Steps
Yesterday evening whilst Suze and l were walking Mavis – and to those unknowing. Mavis is a 2 year old wire haired whippet that is the companion to Tom who lives down the road to us and who lost his smooth coated whippet Emily last year and adopted the rescue Mavis. He has discovered that sadly he may have adopted Mavis as a rebound to Emily on account that Tom is quite a lonely man. The reason we walk Mavis twice a week is due to her abundance of energy and it tires an ageing Tom  out. He will perservere and not think about taking her back to the rescue centre – but she is a ball of energy and can be at times too much for him which is saying something for Tom as he used to be a gamekeeper. [Hardy breed they are].
In addition to this she has ‘issues’ and his own behaviour towards trying to calm her down has induced even more issues! She has separation anxiety which can make walking her away from Tom difficult at times … and to boot he is trying to train her but overfeeds her on treats and this too added to SA can make for difficult walking because Suze and l are not ‘random treat feeders. We treat as a reward and not as simply a standard to walking! An over ‘treated’ and anxiety driven dog is not always a pleasant walking experience and so we try and vary her walks with us and are constantly trying to think up new pathways to walk so that she can enjoy her walk as a dog as not as a treat seeking only K9.
Last night we took her to the church walk in Kingsdown – we had such a lovely hot day yesterday and so our walk with her was after 8pm when the day was ‘cooler’ , although it was still muggy. I didn’t have my camera with me and l wish l had because the churchyard is not being maintained during the lockdown so the wild flowers growth had spurted with the weather and was absolutely stunning. I decided that this morning’s walk l would revisit … however this morning is NOT so lovely and is overcast and although there is a slight breeze it is also still quite humid …. the sort of weather that encourages electrical storms – so who knows.
I find that of late l am having to roll with the flow of life, adapt and evolve at the same time … l have enough on my plate with the WP new editor l have to learn and not stress up about it, Lockdown Limbo, trying to get a fix on the economy with the uncertainties abound and how this will reflect upon a new business venture, start the process for looking for a new property amid a pandemic and a country that doesn’t know if it is coming or going, with more than three quarters of the workforce on furlough and the remainder trying to work to the new restrictions. Letting agents are all over the place – and the list of marginal stresses, annoyances and frustrations goes on.
But in addition to that, Suze 360s herself on her life decisions and this can be at times emotionally perplexing. I know she is worried about her job at this present time so that is probably the reason but l do have to be mindful of that. That aside I am impressed at my own achievements – l am pleased with the fact that l am shifting, that l am starting to look at myself and that l am not just awakening to changes but open, very open to life changes.
Yesterday Suze made reference again to my handling of our situation in such an upbeat fashion and l answered her with “Was there an another option available then? I thought you were pretty straight forwards in what you wanted .. and what do you want from me? Do you want me to be some kind of Blair Witch Boohooster? Would crying in the corner, weeping outside make a difference to us? You want to be friends … l have thought about that and okay, l am cool with that. I have made decisions as well … l think this is good for us and if that is what you want l will support you as much as l can as your friend.”
[For those a little curious as to what a Blair witch Boohooster actually is – it is making reference to one of the end scenes from the original Blair Witch film, where Josh has gone missing and both Mike and Heather are looking for him in a spooky abandoned house … right at the end Mike is seen standing in the corner… It was something that just stuck with me and occasionally l have written in posts ‘The Blair Witch Corner or some other remark.]
Suze responded with a firm NO, she did not want me to be responding in a clingy fashion … mind you l am not a clingy person – and y’all know l was upset by this, equally as much as l feel you too will have seen the switch in me and my writing style. It is just an acceptance of as promotion of the pragmatistic approach.
Suze however … is both pleased and saddened by my ‘shift in behaviour’. She admitted to me this morning that she knows she is 360ing a lot as in she flits emotionally between wanting to go and not wanting to go – she l believe doesn’t wish to be in the relationship as we were, but l am still a little confused – but the truth is that she is surprised that it has taken lockdown for me to shift like this?
In my eyes that is NOT exactly the 100% truth – l had to evolve and adapt to a changing situation – so l am purely the product of her news to me about us as a couple and her wants nearly two months ago. Lockdown changed her and her declaration of us as a couple changed me. She further admitted to what she truly wanted … and this was she wanted the ‘steadfast and Aspie me’ as well as ‘spontaneous me of late’ and that she has come to realise that she needs her own space as in a bubble of reflection’.
That maybe we should not be looking for new properties for both of us seeing how the economy is and maybe see how everything pans out and this is very frustrating because over the eight weeks l have offered many different variations of what would work and what wouldn’t. I have tried to be as supportive and understanding as l can be , l have adapted and changed and evolved and observed and reacted l thought accordingly.
But in that process of thought – l too have changed and quite considerably, profoundly and distinctly. BUT not just as a result of this situation but through a combination of processes and experiences of us as a couple – through drawing into the equation everything that made us … us as well as the menopause, post menopause experiences and the loss of Scrappy and how that affected her. But equally, l have also been mourning the loss of my best friend of sixteen years as in Scrappy – l always said to Suze that l would probably change once the depth of the mourning was passing and l didn’t know who l might be at the end of that journey?
All lockdown has really done is shown me how short life truly is and do we need to be who we are or who we have been for the rest of our lives? It woke me up, it served to start the awakening process … l am no different to Suze in one respect in so far as l have started to examine what l want from life … although my plans included her … now l am more open to different adventures and if honest …
… I do feel the emergence of a younger version of me clambering out of the husk of Rory Matier the 57 year old. The person coming out is a life experienced and wiser 30 year old. Trust me, this is a difficult time for me too! Am l experiencing an MLC of my own as in a mid life crisis? No, l am not …. l am literally experiencing just another awakening as l thought l might do once l started to accept the loss of Scrappy.
None of us truly know what life has in store for us around the corner, we don’t know the future of travel, the economy, the market shares and stability or even the future of socialness and sociality we are clueless. But, l now know that l too want to explore more of everything – when younger l sampled many fruits from many trees and l would like to do that again … and Suze is more than welcome to join me on those adventures should we wish too – but we can do this as friends.
Logically, of course it makes sense to not go for two properties especially as l have said l will help out as much as l can financially – BUT l can’t regain my focus in this house with everything that has NOW gone on inside these walls – there are way too many memories and l think that we as a couple of friends or whatever need to perhaps move – we can either move to seperate quarters or rentals or we move to a slightly larger property with garden so that we do have our own spaces that are not next door to each other like our ‘offices’ are here. The layout of us here is not supportive and conducive to the new us.
I have said l will sage this property, but l can do that till l am blue in the face, there will always be a residue of the lockdown here and what happened to us when we shifted away from us and because of that our focus will always be distorted – but if we move and have very firm resolutions of who we are as two people, as two friends, as friends with benefits or albeit an acceptance of more of an open relationship …. l don’t know and at this time it is quite irrelevant. What’s important is how we move forwards as two people trying to find a balance, a proportioned equilibrium that is fair to both parties.
We are great friends, we may not be ideal partners anymore – but we still enjoy each other’s company in many ways – the problem is sadly it wasn’t just one person alone who changed their views. I guess really, it’s all about perspective, you can look at something several ways – and see something different every time. The good thing is – there is no rush – the property market is slowly opening up again and more properties are coming into the market – but we do l feel have to make decisions somewhere about the us we are and the us we are to be.
So there is currently a lot going on in my life at present and l am trying to keep my momentums up on positivity and motivations … which is a little hard. However for the moment and for today, l have a dummy blog to establish and a compost bin to turn, so until our next time together walking – many thanks for reading and joining me on my musings.
Thanks for reading catch you all again soon.
All images Kingsdown 22nd May – St John the Evangelist