Season 2 – Spring Summer 2020 – Series 2
“Awakening to Changes”
19th May 2020
“You Are Never Far From Who You Are”
Walk Time 85 Mins.
I was in bed last night early, long before midnight and was awake at 5.55am just before my first alarm sounded off at 6. I could see through the blind that it was sunny outside and l knew that this morning was not only going to be the start to a beautiful day but a good walk! It was.
I seem to be in a cheeky summertime mood today!
The walk doesn’t have a specific name to it as it was a chop and change variation – that took me out of the house for a total of 85 minutes. I don’t know how many steps that is, but Suze bought me a Fitbit for my birthday and so from tomorrow that will be synced into my walks which will be fun. I have a few longer walks planned in for the next couple of weeks which will be ideal during this awakening phase l talk and write of.
Walking boosts my positive energy which in turn makes me feel relaxed and motivated! Two of the longer walks l do have planned in are the Walmer Castle Return and the Windmill Jolly [ those are my names for the walks]. But we are talking a few miles a piece and probably a couple of hours a time each so l have to build up to them and increase my stamina.
Heading down Ringwould road towards the start of my walk. The dairy farm in the distance on the hill.
Start of the walk itself just walking through the trees to the fields of rape. Everything along the field edge is the walk itself as well as the huge wooded copse filled with overgrown shrubbery and trees.
As l walked I was thinking about a 24 hour Question l posed yesterday Just Seven Things? Which was about listing 7 things that make you happy and l started to give that some thought …. being involved with nature, animals, sun and the warmth on my face, feeling warm, the sea and listening to the sound the waves make on the pebbles when they head back out to the ocean, having my senses and stimulations aroused, sex, photography, writing, reading a good story, learning something new, having my curiosity prickled, flirting, clever wordplay and as l walked l came to realise that some of the things that made me happy and refreshed and invigorated were from my yesterdays just now intermingled with my todays.
We are never far from who we are – not really, each new awakening l have experienced and there have been a few in the last ten years or so l have become a new version of me … taking on board learned wisdoms from my mistakes and as well understanding what it is l want from me for the future … you know we all ask ourselves or we should ask ourselves who we are are, who we want to be and who will we become somewhere during our lives.
You have the choice of walking on the edge of the fields themselves or slipping into the copses which is what l opted for. Long windy paths all the way along….
It’s a truly lovely walk and on your immediate left there are always whispers from the world outside in the fields.
Just walking and breathing in the walk, the environment, the ambience, the nature and feeling at one with life…..
…….. and you just keep walking and taking the beauty and quiet in and eventually you pop out on the fields and when you look back and you see a field of yellow and you know you have been walking all of it!
Suze said to me this morning before l left for my walk that she had noticed a shift in me over the last 48 hours and was l aware of it? I answered that l was indeed very tuned into everything my body and mind was going through – that l felt quite tingly – and was experiencing waves of adrenaline coursing through my every fibre. “What do you think it is?” She asked. “It’s excitement – l am in a strange way excited about a new me emerging!” “Oh you are handling this very well.” “Yes , yes l am.” I answered.
This morning’s walk was a nice refreshing walk and l thought back to her comments and thought further – yes l am taking it well .. the bounce back has started and it was only after yesterday that l came to realise what the hold up actually was? It was the process of letting go. Letting Go of … people, memories, times and things can be one of the hardest behaviours people have to try and manage emotionally … but once you accept the term – life becomes easier. You don’t forget – you just release the baggage.
“Bird watcher then are you …. what do they call them? Twitchers?” A voice interrupted my reverie. Looking around l saw a lovely looking labrador and her aged owner. “Well it’s a pleasant activity admittedly and even the feathered ones are not bad either!” It took him a while to catch on … but eventually it clicked .. “Oh yes indeed, however … not many of those around here – enjoy your day.” With that he was gone and l drifted back to where l was and where l stood. Our exchange made me think of that song …. and smiled and got on with my walk and thoughts!
At the top of the hill l could really appreciate my location …. looking at another side to Kingsdown.
I thought back over the last ten years and of the awakenings l have experienced probably the first was 2010, so ten years ago and a couple of years after my formal Asperger’s diagnosis and l suddenly found myself waking up to my life and in some ways despite awakeings before then … 2010 was a big one! Following that was 2015 when l moved in with Suze and was exploring my Aspergers on a different level – that of actually starting to live with another person over just being involved long distance wise. 2017 was huge … it was the outcasting of demons and haunting ghosts from 1987 – l was thrilled with my achievements, l kicked Devil Butt that year but also that year was quite possibly the start to where l am today in 2020 … sometimes l think being an optimist is confused with being an idealist! Perhaps three years ago l should have been a realist.
I had to during those times recreate and let go in order to re-energise and yesterday after my walk and the day that followed l came to an understanding of a few things. The lockdown has affected all of us in various ways and one of the ways l have noticed apart from the obvious seperation of Suze and myself is that l have come to love again ‘walking, photography and writing’ … there are lots of other things … but that was a nice discovery and something l am going to keep with me for a long time. With this love rediscovered l am able to get out into nature and thus so exploring a different slice of nature almost daily.
I loved seeing the horse on top of the hill over the valley. With the sun where it was positioned it was awesome!
One thing l had to ‘Let Go’ of in order to move on was ……… yes obviously Suze – but we will always be friends – but was the gardening. It is so time consuming and as much as l love it, l actually as l have said before enjoy the composting – but you can’t really just compost for the sake of composting. I mean you can if you have an allotment but you can’t if you don’t have a garden. So l realised that for the moment, the time being or indeed for the future l would have to Let Go of the style of gardening l am involved in.
Last week Gary suggested microgardening and l think yes, that is something l will look at -indoor microgardening’ – maybe a couple of containers outside my house. The time has come to ‘Let Go’ of gardening and composting’ and once l decided that … l felt instantly relieved.
This then meant that when it came to looking for somewhere new to live l could start to examine more ‘bachelor orientated’ styles of housing – like studio flats and apartments. The moment l accepted that as another ‘Let Go’ l felt happier as well. So l looked at 2 bedroom apartments – l need 2 bedrooms so l can have an office space – because whether l knew this or not … l am more digital now than l used to be and any future business for me will be online. The Aspergian in me was also thrilled at this concept – that of turning my living quarters into a semi office environment – l know quite robotic – but logically effective for a single guy.
Dropping back from the hill and walking back into the copse and on the return leg hom, l found an enormous conker ‘Horse Chestnut’ tree in full blossom …..
… reminding me that l didn’t have to have a wildlife garden of my own to appreciate nature.
These blossoms are really beautiful and when the sun dapples on them and you stop and listen you can hear the music of the tree itself … the birds, small animals and bees all busy enjoying their day. All you have to do is ‘Let Go’ and you’ll hear it all!
The other ‘Let Go’ of yesterday was accepting that Suze and l were to be just friends – even if there was anything else we would never be living together again and that l was already moving on from the relationship and adapting to life on a singular level .. which is the bit that l think Suze noticed significantly. But l had to remind myself that l wasn’t the one who wanted this … and so to not feel guilty about it all.
I have a viewing lined up for a 2 bedroom flat in Deal, ten minutes walking wise away from the beach and Deal Castle. A modern build – but nice. All going well, l will be viewing that this week, perhaps Thursday. If all is then well, l could be living in that by August. Once this house is broken down and packed up and Suze is settled in her own digs.
But even if this doesn’t pan out – l now know where l want to be, what l wish to live in, how much l can easily afford and in some ways the lifestyle l wish to live. These are important to know as they provide valuable foundations to your cores and energies.
Starting back on the return to home journey….
… and enjoy all the various blossoms.
These ‘Let Go’ discoveries and acceptances were inspirational to me yesterday and l came to realise that once l had my ‘home base’ sorted l would indeed be alright. On yesterday’s Morning Musings Omatra7 asked me some questions which l was giving thought to yesterday and this morning and l will answer them here as l sign off.
Basically about my adaption to another and in this case … Suze and did l change who l was for her? No, l didn’t … Suze and l agreed in the early stages of our relationship to not wear masks with each other and to be who we were which from 2013 – 2017 we did. But when her post menopause behaviours and changes started to affect her and us … l started wearing masks again and was not displaying all of me to her. I would work my life to be easier for her. But ultimately it’s because l stayed honest on my path of who l was that was my saving grace and hers.
You are never far from where you are here …. [in the distance the dairy farm …
On the next over hill is the objective of one of my walks this week … the Windmill!
The next part was if anything the interesting part … do l love myself? No, l never have. I don’t buy into that whole concept – l don’t need to love me to like me but l do like who l am and l am happy with who l am. I think with everything that is happening now l will become more focused on me again, not in a selfish manner but just an honest one. I remember something l said to a friend back in the 90’s when they asked about my views on relationships … l answered honestly “I don’t quite get this whole love thing … for me the most l wish to share with another is the wet patch!” I think that may be me again.
I am not looking for another relationship and yet l am of sorts – building the relationship back up with me … getting to know me again, an older me, a different me and a wiser me … a learned me. Is this loving myself? Maybe to some, to me … it’s believing in myself – are they the same? I have skills with life, l know me inside out, l know my limits and boundaries and now l have a whole lot of new adventures ahead of me – excellent!
Saw this on one of the trees not far from home … trust me when l say the not so hidden spider was huge!! A Harvest Spider!
Thanks for reading catch you next time!
Life! Is all about choice and adventure!