Season 2 – Spring Summer 2020 – Series 2
“Awakening to Changes”
18th May 2020
“Pieces of Soul”
Walk Time 25 Mins – a thinking walk.
The Thinking Copse
“When the mouse laughs at the cat, there’s a hole nearby.”
The first image of this post is the scene directly outside of my window as l sit here typing … my window is slightly open, there is a slight breeze, the music to this post is playing in the background.
The birds are singing, a Percy sits atop of the shed roof, the sky is brilliantly blue and everywhere is so green. It’s my personal slice of nature when l look outside of that window – typing – and wondering about the changes ahead of me, ahead of us, ahead for all of you and me and us.
“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
“Pieces of Soul”
I am quite often fascinated by the bravado of others and many never fail to impress me with their courage especially when it’s not them who needs it at the time. I find myself in this situation currently as l view the world around me. My life is changing and it’s not a small change, it’s not the significant change of lockdown although that has played a huge part to my changing behaviours and thinking … no it’s to be a series of colossal changes and they will be profound on so many levels.
Everyone dislikes sudden changes, unscheduled pathways opening up – unplanned journeys – most people prefer to have some warning. Yes l sit on the autistic spectrum and Sudden Change is NOT a huge friend of mine, l personally prefer its cousin “Gradual Change!” But even those NOT on the spectrum would hate this … in their world it’s called ‘uncertainties’ whilst mine is called ‘grey spots!’
“To say goodbye is to die a little.”
I told you in the first episode that this series would be more candid … that was the truth. Generally l am apprehensive and nervous about the coming weeks and months and there are times when l start to hyperventilate from the overall enormity of it. I am already having to cope with huge changes to my life as is … l lost my best friend of 16 years 18 weeks ago and l still miss her companionship terribly – not a day goes by when l don’t gift both of my girls a small kiss on their caskets.
I could so do with their guiding paws about now. That was a huge change to my life and although it wasn’t sudden and l had tried gearing up for it – another piece of my soul died when Scrappy went to sleep for the final time. In time l will write Scrappy’s story but it is so raw for me still … l lost Scrappy twice that day. People said ‘”Your dog will let you know when it’s time ….” Well she couldn’t not with K9 dementia, she didn’t even know her name … so l lost her once when that happened and she forgot me … then l lost her again the day l let her go. So it’s so raw to lose my best friend like that.
But l have had a huge bag of change in truth for the last few years and l have evolved and adapted and tried to accomodate as best as l could and with Scrappy it was more manageable.
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself; I am large — I contain multitudes.”
I maintain three journals on this blog, this one as in Morning Musings, Dear Blog and MAYM – the first two you know as they are open to my readership – the last you do not – it’s closed – it’s a personal archive of my darkness – there are two sides to every coin – absolutely everything has another side to it. So occasionally you will read here the other side to me – l tend to call it ‘the real me’. Inside it is the confusions, the feelings of being lost and alone, the angers, hurts and disappointments .. the life.
“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
I thought 2020 would be a better year ….. again l was mistaken … it started badly and it continues to go from worse to worse till it will start to get better. The optimist in me, and l am an eternal optimist – a real bouncer back kind of guy – knows that things will get better once the worst is over – l know that. But l still have to walk the worst of pathways to get there and it’s not going to be easy or even funny. I keep losing pieces of my soul with this life l have lived …. How many pieces are there anyway to our souls?
According to Plato the soul is divided up into three distinct parts and according to the Egyptians it is five parts and yet in Harry Potter it was suggested that Lord Voldemort’s soul had been split into 8. It doesn’t really matter how many parts there are … l just know that my soul has lost much. But of course – that’s life – we live, we die – life we live, we live life and then we die.
“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.”
We are in this journey together – you have opted and chosen to walk by me as l walk and talk to myself and become lost in the thoughts of the good, bad and ugly thoughts, the dark ones and the lighter ones, the positivity and the negativity, the optimisms and the pessimisms – the highs and the lows – we will all walk these together.
Today l walked a small walk through The Thinking Copse … yesterday l enjoyed a walk with Suze which l shall take again tomorrow this time with the camera – it’s a longer walk … but today l needed to think. The weekend was easy and hard and easy and hard and confusing and hard for two people.
Suze was out all day Saturday well from 9am – half 7pm and so l was in the house by myself – l can cope with that … but l didn’t hear from her to know if she was safe and l was worried for her – of course there is no reason to be … but 7 years together with a significant other and there are things you become acquainted with and familiar too … but l learned much later she did message me, but my phone didn’t receive the message till she was home … typical Kent that is!
But l realised as l pottered around the house and performed an array of tasks that is what NOT just my Saturdays were going to feel like sometime this year, again. The last time they were like this was when l was a bachelor living in the caravan 2009 – 2012 – 8 years later and l am going to return to that Status!
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”
I sat here Saturday attending to my post strategy and working on new administrations – taking the blog forwards under a new me style and wondering where did l wish to live? Where could l and where would l have to be to ensure that l managed to have this beautiful slice of nature always?
I can’t stay here for many reasons once Suze is gone … there are way too many memories and whilst l can detach to a certain degree, l don’t want that many memories constantly haunting me. The house is just too big for one person and l have no wish to share and my contract will not allow for that. But the house was big enough for us as a family but is too big with just Suze and l and will dwarf me. The garden is now the ideal garden but is just too big a drain when two people are not motivated by it.
“We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls.”
So the reality is l will have to move and that is a shame – because for the first time in absolute years and by this l mean since my parents home of 1977 – 1984 l finally feel at home, l am relaxed here and now l must uproot myself again and go back into the world of change and unsettlements …….. and alone and look for another slice of nature to call my own and l don’t where that is …… yet.
I am torn … as indeed is my soul …if l stay in Kent l do so for Suze and because l love the south, but am l staying here for the right reasons? If l awaken as l am in the process of doing then l am become a newer version of me and that means no responsibilities and letting Suze go and getting on with her life … we will be friends until l should imagine we are not. But if l want to find the right slice of nature for my peace of mind … l am getting close to using up the last pieces of my soul so l must spend wisely.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
Thanks for reading catch you next time!