Season 2 – Spring Summer 2020 – Series 2
“Awakening to Changes”
16th May 2020
“Spots Before My Eyes”
Walk Time 35 Mins
“COMING FORTH INTO THE LIGHT
I was born the day
I was transformed the day
My ego shattered,
And all the superficial, material
Things that mattered
To me before,
I really came into being
The day I no longer cared about
What the world thought of me,
Only on my thoughts for
Changing the world.”
Introduction … to Series 2 – “Awakening to Changes”
“Once the soul awakens, the search begins and you can never go back. From then on, you are inflamed with a special longing that will never again let you linger in the lowlands of complacency and partial fulfillment. The eternal makes you urgent. You are loath to let compromise or the threat of danger hold you back from striving toward the summit of fulfillment.”
Welcome to Season 2 Morning Musings – Spring Summer 2020 – lots of 2’s and S’s , lots of spots. Season 1 Series 1 ran for 16 Morning Walks from 12th April 2020 – 01st May 2020 and if anything served as an introduction to a new series – it looked at ‘musings’ for that period of time … but you know we all live in changing times.
I am not talking about a series that started last year and ended this year and had a long run like some of my other series here, l am literally talking about a series that began a month ago and ended two weeks ago and already in that space of time – we have all seen huge changes to our lives.
Season 2 Series 2 Morning Musings therefore is the start to a new long running series that l feel will be with this blog and myself for a good couple of years and will evolve and change and adapt reflectively to the man writing his thoughts down. As a series even at this level of its infancy – it like me, like you, like us , like our current world – has changed – changes now are small and impactive but changes all the same – some are profound and distinct and significant.
Change is what keeps us awake to life and living our lives … l am not a huge follower of change, this is not saying l don’t like change or don’t welcome change – l do, but l am not a spontaneous changer – well l am and l am not – and l will discuss this over this season. This particular series will be about changes – many changes – for me, this series and my blog, my life, my relationship status and my journey forwards once more with the story of my life.
This particular series will also be 16 walks but not daily, because of the changes in my life but perhaps 2 – 4 Musings a week and these will be written in a different style – they will be more candid and openly honest than the first season which was already honest as was. But this series will be deeper and more thoughtfully philosophic and more me in so far as at times … long content. The text will be broken with music, quotes and imagery – but if readers are not long content readers there is a goodly chance this series will not appeal.
I turned 57 yesterday – the 15th May and my thanks to all who wished me well and gifted me greetings and my thanks also to Angie and Suzanne for their lovely card. I received three cards, one from my Suzanne, one from my mother and the one from my two friends just mentioned. There was no card from Scrappy this year …… it has been a very long year walked from 56 – 57 and series 2 will be about that and the preparations of the walk and the journey of my life as a 57er facing new challenges and changes.
“Spots Before My Eyes”
Today l walked Bluebell Woods and in the two weeks since my last walks here, it has changed significantly – l have been walking during those two weeks, but not with a camera – just walking and thinking reflectively and getting used to the fact that a new life lies before me.
The wood was greener, the last few bluebells dying off but still here because of the heavier foliages and the canopy to the wood … where at times very little sun strikes the ground hidden beneath. It’s a lovely walk whatever the season and something l shall miss.
I have decided to not purchase a property, l think that would be unwise and as much as l hate renting, l think for the time being, that would be a much easier option. I want to help Suze get settled, we are not enemies we are still friends who love each other. I am still very much in love with her … she loves me, but wants more from life.
There is a beauty and a peril to being me, to being Aspergian me – l fight myself most days, l have inner conflicts – not demons, but conflicts – balance conflicts. I am an autistic man with my Aspergers – and l hold different views to many on the spectrum and those are that all people are actually on the spectrum, but the percentages of autism present per individual is different and some will be more ‘typical or what is known as neurotypical’ and others will be more autistic.
I joke about being a ‘NeuroAspie’ but when l say joke, l don’t mean “Oh my! What a funny joke, ha ha ha!”. I mean l smile at the reality of it all … that long before l was an officially diagnosed Aspergian, l was just another very confused Neurotypical! Which is bollocks, because l wasn’t even aware of the terminology l have just used … but l was very confused – that is a truth. I was always at war with who l was … l was quirky trying to be ‘normal’ and not really understanding what normal was supposed to be? These thoughts were long before l started coining the phrase ‘define normal’. I just knew that l wasn’t like other folks.
These days, most days, today, yesterday and tomorrow l will be fighting my inner balance conflicts and trying to seek peace … trying to achieve a sensory balance. A sensory balance is a oneness with nature, with yourself, with your body, with your mind and most importantly with you and your energy.
“As soon as you look at the world through an ideology you are finished. No reality fits an ideology. Life is beyond that. … That is why people are always searching for a meaning to life… Meaning is only found when you go beyond meaning. Life only makes sense when you perceive it as mystery and it makes no sense to the conceptualizing mind.”
I have learned over the years that if l wish to move forwards and NOT have demons enter my life then towards the end of things l need to ask lots of questions perhaps many different ways and l seek the truth and then once l have the honesty as raw as it may well be l can finally accept what will be and move on from that.
The Aspergian in me, yearns for details, intrinsic details, it is a sensory probe for my mind, the 24 hour seven days a week profiler is always looking for answers to questions .. of life and people, and loves and forgottens and journeys and walks, and treks and discoveries and exploration and sensuality and sexuality and curiosities and fascination and life and wash and rinse and repeat! Sometimes l must ask these questions … and as much as l crave the knowledge l know it will hurt me and cut me and injure me … but that is the self destructive side we all have … many do not will not and can not dig for those truths because they hurt and people don’t like being hurt and for the better part they don’t like hurting others.
This week l have asked many questions of Suzanne to try and understand where we went wrong, where l went wrong, did we go wrong, did we just stop moving, did l just stop moving …. and many more still. She has answered as l have asked her to … honestly and it hurt her at times, but in so doing she too was able to accept where we were. This gentle purging will allow us to move on with our lives and not carry the unwanted ‘IF’ baggage of ending relationships, to not carry confusions and angers and unused and unspoken emotions.
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”
That if we are to be an US afterwards then WE have to go through this process as lovers, as friends and as everything and all that and who we are now. Be our future together as just friends, or friends with benefits, business partners – whatever we are to be – we do so freely and not dragging the bags from our previous life with us.
I ask questions to learn … how to be, how to not be and then l will change and awaken into the new me again – another change. My life is now changing again.
Suze answered my questions and l now know … she wants to have no responsibilities of another and that is not a light answer, it is a very deep and profound answer and something l will discuss in time. But she yearns for more spontaneousness in her life and l am not that person directly – l am plodder – it’s not new, l have always been that. My risky days, my adventurous days were from young .. l have become steadfast and solid and whilst l still have the creativity and imaginations of a young mind , my body is of an older more maturer man – l am not as fast as l used to be.
Suze wants more socialness in her life and she wants her freedom to explore at her pace and l respect that and as sad as l am to our parting … l am very excited for her. I have encouraged and motivated and challenged her to look at who she is over the seven years we have been together as a couple – l have enthused and inspired her to be her and all that was left to achieve was to reboot her confidence which has always been low.
But with the lockdown … she has discovered things about herself and whilst she never set out to hurt me – she came to realise that she had grown apart from me and that’s it – she had changed as we all do.
Okay … that’s life.
I have so many changes ahead of me now, we both do and whilst l am nervous and apprehensive as indeed is Suze, we still have each other, we are still there for each other and will be for as long as we need each other to be and time will tell us all about that.
However many changes and journeys and branches out are afoot now – with me, with Suzanne, with us, with my blog, with my life and with my story and l shall walk and talk to you about them all in the coming weeks. There is now so much to do.
“We all die, each and every one of us and as that is an actuality – let’s make the decision to live before we do that – do something you love, you are passionate about – but just remember to live because when you lay dying you’ll have no regrets about what you didn’t do when living your life and you are still dying to do!”
So a longer than normal episode – but hey what’s normal really in today’s world?
Thanks for reading catch you next time!