Morning Musings

Morning Musings

Saved for a Rainy Day Directory

Season 1 – Spring – Series 1

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Thursday

“A Life Examined”

Walk Time 35 Mins

I was in bed before midnight again last night, lights out at 12.25am and awakened by storms and heavy rains at 3.12am, quite unusual for me to be awoken by that noise … but l lay in bed thinking and listening for almost 45 minutes and it was just before 4am that l fell asleep again to then awaken  again, but this time with my alarm clock set at the newer time of 6.25am.

I got up, got dressed, Suze had left for her walk not long before me and put my boots on and looked at the day – blue skies, the forecast told me it would be sunny blues all day, just windy. But it had rained all night, and so many of my usual haunts would be sodden grounded and l opted for a shorter road walk.

You can see the walk below, it is a much shorter walk, but at stroll pace it’ll take around 35 minutes, enough time for a slow walk and some thoughtful thinking. You are surrounded by greenery all the way, but it is only marginally wet.

It is known locally as the Jogger’s Easy Quickie on account of mostly the speed some runners can make each round.  It is a good route without any steep and awkward mountainous hillclimbs but enough slope to keep the heart pumping! I think it is quite aptly named!

But it was ideal as a shorter walk just to set the pace for the day and the day’s thoughts. I set off at just after 7.00am and was back through the door at just after 7.40am.

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Walking down the hill, my thoughts at the bottom were quickly filled with the lovely blossom tree again… which l could see in the distance…

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…….. and then up close and personal again.

You know despite all the music l play during the course of one week in my blog, the reality is l don’t listen to that much music anymore each and every day. My life is in small slots of sounds. I used to listen to music all the time in my office … in fact going back to the matrimonial home and when l started proceedings for a divorce from my then wife – from March 2007 – January 2020 so nearly thirteen years l used to listen to music in my office space for anything up to 8 hours a day.

I could and would do everything with music playing in the background … from the ambient soundtrack l have listed above to the heaviest of rocks and punks l could write and create and work and sustain focus to, my concentration never once faltered. Music was almost like a default alternative source of breathing air for me.

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Looking down into the Unadopted Road, l could see the residues of the heavy rainfall of the night caught in the dip.

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It is just so wonderfully green here …

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It was a very quiet and peaceful time to be walking and looking at life and examining where we all are.

I love music and l remember once many years ago, l was asked by someone about my sensuality and she said of all of your senses which would you gift to someone to enrich their life and yours at the same time?

It’s an interesting lean on a common question which normally reads if you were to lose a sense which could you live without? This question posed it differently if you were to ‘gift’ one of your senses out that would enrich two lives which would you opt to donate?

What most people forget is that we have many senses and not just the typical five. From memory l believe we have 20 perhaps 21 senses which include things like balance, pressure points, alignments, coordination … perhaps a post for another day. But her question made me think, what could l live without and yet still enrich another’s life in addition to my own?

My answer worked within the realms of the common senses and l chose to give up hearing … that would be tough – but hearing would enrich someone else’s life incredibly and it is something l could afford to lose and how would the loss of sound enrich my life? It means that l could learn to explore more through touch again … which is for me where the true beauty really arrives and l could easily survive with the remaining 4 and 20.

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…………. just so wonderfully quiet and relaxing.

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Today’s walk was just right – l saw no one else – that’s just right!

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Quiet tranquil lanes are ideal for silent thinking and taking …

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…. the beauty of nature in!

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I haven’t truly listened to music for longer than the creation of a post now since Scrappy’s passing as we used to listen to music a lot together and l know that l am still grieving her passing terribly. She was such a joy in my life as was Dora. I have had a lot of dogs in my life in the last twenty plus years and l have loved them all  and all their very different personalities. But my last two girls were with me the longest and they saw me through great pains, aloneness and depression as well as shared with me some of the joys of our travels.

With dogs as your closest companions in life at times you are able to enjoy something that many a time another human being cannot award … peace of quiet time and mind. A dog will love you unconditionally, it will always listen to you, it will never judge you, it is loyal and trustworthy and all it asks is to be loved and made to feel like family. That is not a lot to ask is it? I miss my two girls so very very much. With dogs in your life that also offers you something else … the ability to examine your life.

My first dog as an adult was Frascal who my then wife and l found in 1994 and we adopted into our family of two. Following him was Missfit and those two formed our immediate family unit alongside my cats Pepsi and Barron – brother and sister – rescues – that was us as a block of companions. The furry family grew over the years – it extended from 4 furries to way more as time passed us by… another tale some time, in fact l know it is … l will be writing about my dogs later this year.

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For all of my life l have examined every step l have taken, l have given everything l do great thinking time and analysing time … everything l have ever done as a wiser adult l have thought in the company of dogs, rarely humans. This is the first time that l have been involved in such deep thoughts about my life and changes without dogs in my life … now l talk it through with my blog and l put my thoughts down and l am transparent with them .. l am just being honest.

The lockdown has made many people stop and think about their lives, about what they have or haven’t achieved, about how short life is. The pandemic has shaken many people to the very core of their inner fabric. It has made those who normally run and hide away from their feelings and emotions and thoughts stop and face them head on and not everyone likes what they are met with. Some people have never allowed themselves the time to look back over their lives.

Suze and l are still a couple, we love each other very much … Suze has simply started realising that perhaps she wants more from her life, that she wants to do things before she cannot do them or all her choices are taken away by life and the ageing process. I like to say it is never too late for anything … even when you are late, be stylishly later but never say you are actually late.

With the death of Scrappy, Suze started to feel very old very quickly and then the lockdown arrived and she was then put into a position where she literally had to examine her life in a way she had never done before.

This is not everything, but it’s a lot … in the last few weeks l have travelled through many emotions, the stress of everything was starting to seriously damage me and us. I had to make changes that would be the best options for both of us … but that’s for another time, not today.

“Sometimes the one thing you need for growth is the one thing you are afraid to do.”

Shannon L. Alder

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It never fails to impress upon me how so many changes can happen in such small pockets of time. But it’s blue skies again now as l finish this post off.

Thanks for reading.

Rory

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11 thoughts on “Morning Musings

  1. A lot of people are having to face their shadows, it’s true. Some are ready, some never will be.

    Looking at all the beautiful greenery, I’m thinking it must smell incredible! Especially after a heavy rain. I don’t think I have any comparable scent memories to draw on. The closest would be a wet pine copse. I’ll bet its different.

    It IS amazing how such BIG changes can happen is such a short time. My first deconstruction happened that way. I think the pandemic is triggering a lot of cracks to widen, crumbling a lot of foundations.

    Oh, and according to an app I have, your blossom tree is an “orchid tree”🤷🏼‍♀️

    1. Well that’s most assuredly happening, and as we both know some are ready, many are not and some will never be – it’s a troubling time. Suze and l were talking about it all again tonight … l think she is perhaps a little surprised at my honesty to it all.

      I think for me, l have to process it all in many ways, an Aspie way, a Neuro way, an emotional way, a relationship way – once l have it all firmly in my head l can move forwards … this week has been about processing it all and making it a happier decision based process over that of a negative and depressingly upsetting time 🙂

      Yes l think they are referred to as orchid trees – the smaller blossoms are most assuredly under that, the larger ones many get confused by are magnolias.

      Did you see your Janis Joplin Dedication 🙂

      1. I did just see Janis. I’m going to revisit the bonus material after Ben is asleep. Trying to watch it now would just cause frustration and irritation on my part.😉
        Her voice really was something! Like Amy Winehouse in it’s distinctiveness… sadly she and Amy shared a lot of things☹

  2. You’re missing Scrappy and Dora, and that combined with all the other aspects of this situation, it has made this all the more introspective for you.

  3. That Celtic music is something else. Everyday a chap called Duncan Chisholm tweets him playing a song usually with the Scottish mountains in the distance. He’s a fiddle player who has played with the lines of Runrig. So him live and he’s fantastic. It’s a highlight of the lockdown.
    Thank you for my daily trip out.
    I think it’s making many of us question ourselves and our aspirations. In some respects it’s just human nature the question is what you do with new perspectives when the lockdown is eased.

    1. ” In some respects it’s just human nature the question is what you do with new perspectives when the lockdown is eased.”

      That’s the cookie crumble right there.

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