The Squat and Hover!!
Nothing beats a good bit of Toilet Humour for a Sunday!!
The real title for this post is actually longer and should read as “Suze’s Sainsbury’s Shopping Squat and Hover Experience! SSS SHE” But that’s a tad long so “The Squat and Hover!” is more of an appropriation in terminology oooh l feel Grace will love that word [appropriation] as that is just a nice word to roll off the tongue!
Anyway – CAN you possibly imagine how hard it was to find an image suitable for this? It’s not like Suze took any photos of the experience – l mean that would be just too TMI – the images are there, but it’s looking for the right one, a bit like Porridge and Goldilocks – plenty of variations for sure – but the ‘just right one’, is hard to source! However imagine if you can my purest of joys and delights when l came across a fountain image?
Sometimes it can take me longer to find the right image for a post than it does to write the post itself!
The one above is about 75% close to the actual SSS-SHE moment that Suze encountered and experienced! Also whilst l am fully aware that blokes can squat and hover it’s not something we are that great at past the age of around Potty Stage 3 unless you are an adept weights lifter.
If l was to try and squat and hover now at my age l might find myself in a position of peril and furthermore might if the wind were to change NOT just be stuck like that for ever BUT more seriously experience a hellish splashback!
Women in my experience seemingly are able to squat and hover rather well – interpret as you will – but l have seen quite a few women over my years in what l tend to call the Frogger position – however for this post we are not talking anything remotely sexually nefarious and or adventurous but a rather compromising toilet position in store!
Yesterday Suze found herself once more in a lined shopping queue outside Sainsbury’s and when she eventually got into the shop and was about to whizz around the shelves to be in and out ASAP she was suddenly struck by an urgent “Nature Call!!” Something that filled her with absolute dread and mortification!
Generally, Suze is rather reluctant to use public lavatories in shops anyway, preferring to use the one at home – but when needs must they must. However … it’s also not the usual nor the norm to have a dreadully and potentially fatal pandemic sweeping the world!! Everything these days must be [especially when outside in the actual world at large], sanitized, cleaned, sprayed, wiped and so on …. this process can make a desperate five minute wee turn into a military precision bombing run!
Thought l would stick with the statues seeing as they work
It’s alright for blokes we stand up and urinate down whereas women well, unless they are in the habit of using a PUD – Portable Urinary Device – then sadly they must sit and pee down or alternatively ‘squat and hover!’
I first became fully aware of Suze’s squat and hover technique and prowess on a walk we took many moons ago when we first started seeing each other as a couple … on the many countryside dog walking expeditions – Suze would suddenly disappear into the trees and at times l thought an elephant was parked nearby because of the sound of waterfalls!
Me – l am a quiet pee’er – l find a tree and water it bark side down – gone are the days of trying to dehead flowers with one’s fountainous aiming! Now it’s a case of just creakily get the waterworks working and make sure the plumbing is still alright.
Suze returned from the weekly shop and was standing in my office doorway when she described the following experience …. perhaps some my readers can relate? This is her tale …
I found myself needing a wee .. l had been queuing for nearly forty five minutes with my legs crossed and double and triple crossed but l didn’t want to lose my position in the queue itself and l knew that l would have to use the instore toilets IF they were open!”
Upon entering the store l asked the security guard if they were open and he assured me they were so l quickly [well as quickly as triple crossed legs can carry you] hot footed my way over to the toilets.
Luckily l was wearing gloves, so l didn’t have to touch the door handle to go in. Thenkfully, I was the only one there, but l was very VERY desperate for a wee! This was going to be a case of some delicate urgency! I ninja kicked open a stall, and peered into the bowl, yes it was clean – first stage successful!
Second stage was to clean the seat with toilet paper from my personal handbag roll! Then l took out a sanitized wipe and wiped the seat itself, the toilet handle … well l cleaned everything!
I had no intentions of parking my derrière onto the actual seat, but l needed to rest assured that the air space was clean! At this point things were heating up … well let’s just say everything was knocking at the front door! I needed to speed things up before l peed down me!
Everything was ready and suddenly l realised l had to drop my kit, but l was still holding my bag in my left hand and the sanitizers and wipes in my right!
What to do!!? So l quickly shoved my bag between my knees and pulled my jeans and knickers down and assumed the squat position to then discover l simply couldn’t with my bag clenched between my knees .. l was sort of in a standing squat which WOULD NOT DO!!
So l transferred my bag to my teeth and clenched it there instead whilst l assumed the Mālāsana position – thank goodness for years worth of yoga study! Oh let me tell you it was one of the most exhilarating wees l have had in a very long time indeed. It was almost an absolute disaster!
Once done, with a fresh sanitizer wipe, l pulled the flush, got eveything back in working order, made myself look presentable then walked over to the sinks, cleaned everything up, washed my hands and dried them using my own kit. By the time l had left that toilet l hadn’t actually touched anything with any part of my actual flesh or even my hands – l was well pleased with myself – however next Saturday! My bladder will be completely empty before l leave the house because an urgent triple crossed leg wee shouldn’t take ten minutes!!
That was Suze’s tale which l just felt had to be shared … more so, because with her standing in the doorway and visually describing everything to me l found the whole thing incredibly funny and thought you might to.
So folks – anyone had any awkward and compromising near misses with the old toilet experiences whilst out and about in our pandemic orientated world??
So on that note, l will take my leave of you all now 28 days into Lockdown
Thanks for reading – Catch you soon