Dear Blog – “SSS – SHE” The Squat and Hover!!

The Squat and Hover!!

Nothing beats a good bit of Toilet Humour for a Sunday!!

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The real title for this post is actually longer and should read as “Suze’s Sainsbury’s Shopping Squat and Hover Experience! SSS SHE” But that’s a tad long so “The Squat and Hover!” is more of an appropriation in terminology oooh l feel Grace will love that word [appropriation] as that is just a nice word to roll off the tongue!

Anyway – CAN you possibly imagine how hard it was to find an image suitable for this? It’s not like Suze took any photos of the experience – l mean that would be just too TMI – the images are there, but it’s looking for the right one, a bit like Porridge and Goldilocks – plenty of variations for sure  – but the ‘just right one’, is hard to source! However imagine if you can my purest of joys  and delights when l came across a fountain image?

Sometimes it can take me longer to find the right image for a post than it does to write the post itself!

The one above is about 75% close to the actual SSS-SHE moment that Suze encountered and experienced! Also whilst l am fully aware that blokes can squat and hover it’s not something we are that great at past the age of around Potty Stage 3 unless you are an adept weights lifter.

If l was to try and squat and hover now at my age l might find myself in a position of peril and furthermore might if the wind were to change NOT just be stuck like that for ever BUT more seriously experience a hellish splashback!

Women in my experience seemingly are able to squat and hover rather well – interpret as you will – but l have seen quite a few women over my years in what l tend to call the Frogger position – however for this post we are not talking anything remotely sexually nefarious and or adventurous but a rather compromising toilet position in store!

Yesterday Suze found herself once more in a lined shopping queue outside Sainsbury’s and when she eventually got into the shop and was about to whizz around the shelves to be in and out ASAP she was suddenly struck by an urgent “Nature Call!!” Something that filled her with absolute dread and mortification!

Generally, Suze is rather reluctant to use public lavatories in shops anyway, preferring to use the one at home – but when needs must they must. However … it’s also not the usual nor the norm to have a dreadully and potentially fatal pandemic sweeping the world!! Everything these days must be [especially when outside in the actual world at large], sanitized, cleaned, sprayed, wiped and so on …. this process can make a desperate five minute wee turn into a military precision bombing run!

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Thought l would stick with the statues seeing as they work

It’s alright for blokes we stand up and urinate down whereas women well, unless they are in the habit of using a PUD –  Portable Urinary Device – then sadly they must sit and pee down or alternatively ‘squat and hover!’

I first became fully aware of Suze’s squat and hover technique and prowess on a walk we took many moons ago when we first started seeing each other as a couple … on the many countryside dog walking expeditions – Suze would suddenly disappear into the trees and at times l thought an elephant was parked nearby because of the sound of waterfalls!

Me – l am a quiet pee’er – l find a tree and water it bark side down – gone are the days of trying to dehead flowers with one’s fountainous aiming! Now it’s a case of just creakily get the waterworks working and make sure the plumbing is still alright.

Suze returned from the weekly shop and was standing in my office doorway when she described the following experience …. perhaps some my readers can relate?  This is her tale …

I found myself needing a wee .. l had been queuing for nearly forty five minutes with my legs crossed and double and triple crossed but l didn’t want to lose my position in the queue itself and l knew that l would have to use the instore toilets IF they were open!” 

Upon entering the store l asked the security guard if they were open and he assured me they were so l quickly [well as quickly as triple crossed legs can carry you] hot footed my way over to the toilets.

Luckily l was wearing gloves, so l didn’t have to touch the door handle to go in. Thenkfully, I was the only one there, but l was very VERY desperate for a wee! This was going to be a case of some delicate urgency! I ninja kicked open a stall, and peered into the bowl, yes it was clean – first stage successful!

Second stage was to clean the seat with toilet paper from my personal handbag roll! Then l took out a sanitized wipe and wiped the seat itself, the toilet handle … well l cleaned everything!

I had no intentions of parking my derrière onto the actual seat, but l needed to rest assured that the air space was clean! At this point things were heating up … well let’s just say everything was knocking at the front door! I needed to speed things up before l peed down me!

Everything was ready and suddenly l realised l had to drop my kit, but l was still holding my bag in my left hand and the sanitizers and wipes in my right!

What to do!!? So l quickly shoved my bag between my knees and pulled my jeans and knickers down and assumed the squat position to then discover l simply couldn’t with my bag clenched between my knees .. l was sort of in a standing squat which WOULD NOT DO!!

So l transferred my bag to my teeth and clenched it there instead whilst l assumed the Mālāsana position – thank goodness for years worth of yoga study! Oh let me tell you it was one of the most exhilarating wees l have had in a very long time indeed. It was almost an absolute disaster!

Once done, with a fresh sanitizer wipe, l pulled the flush, got eveything back in working order, made myself look presentable then walked over to the sinks, cleaned everything up, washed my hands and dried them using my own kit. By the time l had left that toilet l hadn’t actually touched anything with any part of my actual flesh or even my hands – l was well pleased with myself – however next Saturday! My bladder will be completely empty before l leave the house because an urgent triple crossed leg wee shouldn’t take ten minutes!!

That was Suze’s tale which l just felt had to be shared … more so, because with her standing in the doorway and visually describing everything to me l found the whole thing incredibly funny and thought you might to.

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So folks – anyone had any awkward and compromising near misses with the old toilet experiences whilst out and about in our pandemic orientated world??

So on that note, l will take my leave of you all now 28 days into Lockdown

Thanks for reading – Catch you soon

A Guy Called Bloke Feature Dear Blog JPEG

Dear Blog ……

 

15 thoughts on “Dear Blog – “SSS – SHE” The Squat and Hover!!

  1. Lol… I don’t have any stories from “me” personally lol… I can hold it 😄✌️ I have never had an emergency moment – thankfully…

    But when I was younger, I have a younger brother 😄😄… and he always had to pee 🙄🤨😄

    So my mother would keep a Gatorade bottle in the car where ever we went – he would use that.

    I will not touch Gatorade lol 😄😄 ever don’t care what color it is… I’m good on the Gatorade and prevents me from having the emergency situations lol 😄✌️every time I see a Gatorade bottle I think of that lol 😝😄✌️

    When I was training one of my sons… you know when they REALLY little they follow you into the bathroom… I was discreet but he would see me use toilet paper …

    One day his father took him to the little boys room… and instead of holding he did not hold … and instead of shaking… he took toilet paper and dabbed lol 😄😄

    He was still little and still in training mode – he was always only around me. His father was never around.

    So anyway… that has since been corrected lol – he no longer does that (he’s a man now) – he was the only boy who did that (I have 2 boys and a girl) this first boy didn’t have any issues potty training so that one was unique lol 😄😄

    Funny memories though

    Shhh don’t tell anyone I told those stories lol Oh my god! 😄😄✌️

  2. My worst Squat & Hover experience was on a cross-country road trip with my parents when I was 12 or so. We were in the middle of nowhere, no rest areas for miles and my bladder was near to bursting. It was painful. My stepdad was looking for some bushes or SOMETHING for me to hide behind since it was broad daylight. Finally, I couldn’t wait any longer and he pulled to the side of the Interstate. There were a couple of tumbleweeds, so I hobbled over and got behind them. I was wearing jeans and was in such distress that my technique suffered. Not only did I get a horn salute from several passing Big Rigs (18 wheel trucks), but I peed on my shoes. 😫

    1. Ha ha … sorry l don’t mean to laugh! My parents when l was a kid used to delight in making me squirm! Parents couldn’t get away with their antics today — but they used to sneak up on us as kids behind trees with our drawers [pants] down and take photographs and then show them around to guests!!!

      My worst case was when l went to Greece and all it was, was a hole in the ground, l had to squat and slipped … yep, let’s not say anymore shall we 🙂

    1. Hey Suzanne, yes l think she did well also 🙂 I think a lot of ladies probably have been … admittedly l am thankful l can stand to pee, because even l will not sit on a public lav irrelevant to whether there is a pandemic out there or not 🙂

      Eeeuuuk nasty, just nasty!

  3. The fact that you found such, ahem, appropriate, images amazed me! Squat and hover? A skill learned early by most females…

  4. When I was a kid I went to visit my sister who was living in Africa. One day we went out into a game reserve with warnings not to get out of the car. Unfortunately someone needed the toilet (not me), so they dived out of the car in an open but of land. Suddenly a movement in the grass sent panic and a half dressed dive back into the car. All caused by a little bird.

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