Saved For A Rainy Day
Season 1 – Spring – Series 1
“ …. which then got me to thinking too”
Walk Time 40 Mins
I wasn’t quite sure where l was going to walk this morning … l never realised before this week just how many different walks we have here, l was doing a bit of spot research last night and the brief response is 83 walks!?
Have you noticed how at times, how funny Life is? Of course there are times and moments when there is nothing truly funny about life and other times when life is so good it’s funny how good it is.
Two days ago, l was in a good place and happy that l was going to start a new poetry collection, l was foolishly under the impression that my relationship was in a good place and that all ‘we’ were having to deal with in addition to the loss of our little girl was confinement and restrictions on freedom and yet a day later and my life took a different turn. Now that poetry collection whilst still there has taken a downward swing .. it is to be fueled by different emotions. Sadness and uncertainty. A classic example of to not count your chickens before they hatch.
Walking down into my village.
Talks today as in after this morning’s walk and now my life is in a place that l am unsure where and what my future will be and whether l will be a man alone after lockdown or with a woman l have loved since first meeting her in 2013 … life, it’s funny isn’t it?
Then l thought, well this is all about mindset and coping with thoughts and restrictions and it’s about thinking – it’s all about thinking … which then got me to thinking too!
Today l decided to walk through the village – you will have read that l am in the upper part to the village that overlooks the coastal roads, but there is a lower village that is on the sea level itself. I decided to walk down there and take in the church and then walk back along the sea shore and back up the hill to where l live.
I was in bed early last night, 12.25am, and l was asleep by 1am and up at 6.45am – if anything l am getting a good night’s sleep but sadly Suze is not. She is suffering with a lack of sleep and l am trying to help her, but with her now voicing all sorts of things, l don’t always know where to start, l listen and l advise and l listen to some more and tell her l am here for her.
Walking further down the hill towards the church and the sea.
But l am scared and worried. I have to be mindful to NOT let my motivation drop and allow a depression in … l kicked my demon’s asses 3 years ago, l am not letting them back in. I have to go into survival mode now and get through this in one piece and help where l can if allowed. Because, there are times when my presence alone is causing upset. So now l shut myself in my small office and get on with my life wondering HOW my life has got to be here?
Suze knows where l am if she needs a hug, a cuddle or a shoulder …. l am here but l also go into her space and see if she is alright, l have been a stepping stone and a rock for her throughout our relationship, and l will continue to be until l am no longer needed or wanted. This morning l read that our lockdown ‘might’ continue till June ………. oh shit, l do hope not! For both of our sakes.
But all this has truly done is just make me so very sad and miss Scrappy all the more, she was my best friend in the whole world, both of my girls were – l could talk to her about everything and now l don’t have her. When l lost her this year, l thought no problem – l still have my best friend Suze and now this … it’s making me very wretched. My biggest fear was to lose both girls because of losing one.
But l believe in us … and that’s a positive.
I set off on my walk at 8am and was back through the front door at 8.40am not a bad walk at all.
You are never far from a Percy or a Squzzle here … this one awarded me with yet another Bushy Tailed Salute as he scuppered along the wall after jumping off from the top of the stone cross.
I am not a religious man in the traditional sense of the word, l have my own belief system and live by that code, but that doesn’t mean that l cannot enjoy the ambience or the beauty that can be found in both church and grounds and our own church grounds here in Kingsdown is no exception – it is a truly beautiful building, architecturally speaking …. St John the Evangelist, built in 1848 by a local of the time landowner – William Curling.
The blossoms in the church yard looked stunning.
But the graveyard is very quiet and serene, a great final resting place overlooking the seas.
After leaving the church l headed down towards the sea shore so that l could walk along Undercliff Road and back towards home.
The sea was not as choppy and windblown as it was earlier this week, but calmer and more sedate and calming which was gratefully received by this photographer, thinker and philosopher.
Sometimes words are unnecessary you know?
You just allow the sea breezes to carry you off to distant places…
… just letting yourself go free for a while…
… and not thinking, overthinking, analysing or overanalysing..
… just taking in the beauty of our life and environment .. and sometimes ..
It just takes watching a bird in flight to calm you down a few layers.
After spending a few moments enjoying the sea, the noises and the environment, l turned and walked home and eventually got to another lane l love and l’ll leave you here with this lane too … it is an unnaned road, they called them unadopted in England.
I will catch up with you all again next Monday and Morning Musings.
Thanks for reading.