Saved For A Rainy Day
“But Even in the Broken … There’s Beauty!”
Walk Time 50 Mins
This morning, l decided to take a countryside walk and l came to realise just how many directions l could have taken for my morning stroll – dang we sure do have a lot of walks here! The background music or birdsong was very similar to the noises l was hearing on my walk today and trust me when l say it is relaxing to listen to and write to. Although l was awake early, l didn’t set off for my walk until around 8.05am , but l returned 50 minutes later so it was a good walk.
Instead of taking a right down to the sea, l decided to take a left to the top road and left again to the fields.
As l started out, instead of turning to my right and down to the sea l took the left, as whilst it was not as windy as yesterday, it was still cold, l found myself at an intersection near the fields which l found further strangely symbolic ..
I was spoilt for choice this morning with pathways .. l came to realise that pathways and choice are almost married to each other…
I found myself thinking of all sorts of things this morning … but initially found myself with two quotes in mind as l started walking and strolling and thinking …. one was the quote by Robert Frost – “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” The other was by Marty Rubin … “Morning will come, it has no choice.” and l found both of these quotes in the background of my walking and thinking and pondering…..
Everywhere l looked l had a different pathway choice …
I woke up this morning at 6.45am before my alarms sounded at around 6.59am … although admittedly that wasn’t the first time l had woken. I had woken up at 3.22am this morning … it’s an old habit or quirk if you wish l have – as in l always have to note and remember all the times l awaken. I have since l was a teenager slept with a bedside clock on my night stand. In truth l have two, an old fashioned alarm clock and a digital radio alarm. The latter has a bright orange glow and at times can light up the whole room and l am happy with that, equally as l am with my old alarm clock’s ticking – it’s a rhythmic ambient background sound … l find both the light and purr of the clock help me sleep.
I did ponder on walking up to the monument but l have avoided that since May 2017 – it stands on a cliff, and a few days after my 54th birthday, l was six inches away from the edge of the cliff thinking about ending my life – l haven’t had the courage to walk back up there since … l scared myself that day – l was 6″ away from no more tomorrows.
I suppose in many ways it’s good that Suze and l sleep in different beds – something we have now done officially since March 2016 on account of me being dreadfully ill that year and constantly waking her up – but it’s a habit or behaviour that stuck – we each have different sleeping requirements as well which is a significant factor too – l like ambient noises, sounds and lighting and she prefers quiet and as dark as possible … the latter being conducive to her having SAD.
Suze needs to have blackout curtains and blinds on the window, whereas l just have a blind and everything can shine through it … l could sleep anywhere and have done. I have fallen asleep on toilets, on public benches, in museums, on dates, during sex [yes nothing to do with boredom, just tired] – when sleep decides to take me down, it does just that.
Looked boring but this was the chosen pathway for this morning’s walk…
As l have aged, l have become a snorer and a fidgetter with restless leg syndrome, and when l am not suffering with insomnia l am at times a night owl, although in the last few months and more so with the gardening l am finding myself more tireder than normal. Last night l was in bed by 12.13am and l turned the light out at 1am. But Suze by that time had been in bed since 10pm – she is although working from home in lockdown still has to have a discipline and starts work at 8.30am.
Although this one tried to tempt me and reminded me that l must start Scrappy’s series – In Walking Memoriam …. soon, which in turn made me think of another quote by John Banville “We carry the dead with us only until we die too, and then it is we who are borne along for a little while, and then our bearers in their turn drop, and so on into the unimaginable generations.” Which made me sad, as it was 13 weeks last Sunday that our little girl went to sleep for the final time … damn, but l miss her so much.
But Suze is not sleeping so well … it’s the residue emotion of cabin fever with her l feel, although she has never been a great sleeper since she was a child of 9 or 10 and that’s a lot of years to not have good sleep. She can hear a mosquito fart at 100 paces that girl … Suze is such a light sleeper … l don’t think we will ever share a bed again in that capacity, but then, that’s not that bad is it … traditional conventionality has never been the name of our relationship anyway.
She said she had been up since 4am, and then struggled to get to sleep, so got up at that point for a cold drink, went back to bed, but tossed and turned till 6am, when she got up and went for her walk.
Once l decided which pathway l was going to take l set out and started to randomly and abstractedly think …
l realised that there are people in the world who think the world owes them something not realising that it is actually the other way around … they owe the world. I was thinking this because over the weekend just gone, the news reported we had people still out and about flouting and flaunting their defiance over the guidelines … many people blamed the young and whilst YES there were a lot of youngsters involved, equally there were all ages … all it said to me was these were the people who believed that not just the world but society owed them something.
Another path beckoned me over – l said not today, maybe tomorrow …. there are always tomorrows!
Yet it’s not the fact that they are out – but they were not applying common sense with social distancing … socialising like it was yesterday and not understanding that today our tomorrows are different! These people have no respect for other people, let alone the world. But everyone needs to understand that it is NOT just the young that are guilty of deviation but everyone.
I did ponder if l should sit here soon and write but l don’t write like that, l write in my head only.
I have had a poetry collection building in my head for the last few weeks, l jot things down everywhere, in all sorts of places and on an assortment of paper forms … these strolls help to formulate the poems in my head….. It’s strange if responding to a prompt l can knock up countless verse of nonsense in the space of 35 minutes and yet when it comes to thoughtful poems l must collate in my mind for weeks … l have been toying with the sounds of yesterday, , who stole yesterday morning, if music lived in the air and tomorrow has gone today . But they are set to change and are getting closer to being written, one day soon.
A quote by Andy Nguyen floated areound my head when l took this … “Life goes on.”
And it does……..
Everywhere l looked, life was just carrying on like there was nothing amiss – because in the land of nature the only thing strangely odd is that ‘we’ are not around more, otherwise, the grass keeps growing, trees keep blossoming, new buds growth spurt and open….. life goes on and on and on. I could see a ferry in the distance and more closer to home, l could see a tractor ploughing fields….
…….. and a mini tractor cutting the golf course grasses which continue to grow longer daily … because life goes on, whether golfers are walking on the courses or not.
I thought about the gardening and how l am currently taking a few days out, l am in no rush nor am l behind, with this cold snap we can’t plant the seedlings out – it’ll kill them and we lost all of those runner beans that were planted a couple of weeks ago, so l am not making the same mistake twice. But l am on par with everything going on … l spun and sieved the compost piles on Sunday, sieved out just under half a ton of black gold and set up a holiday compost tub for my worms – so in essence l created a worm farm. But l am on R&R till Thursday or Friday and will catch up with my reading and relaxing.
There is so much beauty in the world if people just take the time to look and appreciate it, but everyone is so focused on going fast and trying to squeeze more time from a stone that isn’t there. All the way through my longer than normal stroll this morning, l saw one lady and her small dog … normally for fifty minutes of walking time l would see twenty times that. I only saw the walker at the start of my walk, in the first fifteen minutes for the remainder of my walk, l didn’t see anyone up close and personal.
I had a huge space to myself and my thoughts and my camera … oh and my fifty shades of bat shit crazy as well … l have always talked to myself, but now l talk to myself in colour! That means l talk to myself in my voice and now l answer in up to five different accents – gives more body to going batty you know?
I have always loved farm machinery
There’s beauty in everything if you take the time to look……
…. but a lot of people can’t do that .. as it takes time!
…… but even in the broken ….
…………. there’s beauty!
It’s all a matter of perspective!
Thanks for reading.