How Underst…Accepti .. mm…Forgiving Are You?
In November 2017 l lost the friendship of two people who l considered good friends – Mops and Pops or Ma and Pa as they were nicknamed by Suze and l. They were friends to us both back then, and since then they are now only friends to Suze. Which l ‘accept’ but still see as a sleight in our relationship.
The friendship was lost due to them actually insulting me and trying to break up my relationship with Suze.
Mops and Pops – Retired Pet Kennellers
From March 2016 – November 2017 l was friends with ‘Mops and Pops’ [married couple – Ma and Pa sort of thing], they were our ex- landlords prior to where we live now in Kent. They had a property in Canterbury and Suze and l lived there March 2016 – August 2016 [contract six months]. Really lovely people, in their early 70’s. I am no longer friends with them, but Suze is still good friends with them.
2017 as a year, was a bitch – you will have seen me both make reference to it and write about it before – but it was a very trying year – Suze’s HRT saga, my mental stress and near breakdown – in simple terms – nightmare.
In late Spring 2017 – l had an email conversation with Mops [the lady] and we were talking about Suze – as per with most people l am brutally honest, but l’ll not say things to another if l haven’t discussed it with the other first. Mops asked how Suze was and so l relayed a conversation Suze and l had had the previous day – it wasn’t private, it wasn’t secret – but l can be if asked to be very base, blunt and direct and so, l was asked how my partner was and l answered with the truth.
I wasn’t derrogative or detrimental about Suze – l was just honest, and l was talking to a friend of mine … or so l thought. However, my email to Mops that day discussing my health and Suze’s health caused a major problem – apparently.
I was accused of sharing relationship secrets or something of that kin …. of being rude and inflammatory about Suze and talking behind her back – it was a real shock to the system. I was seriously taken back by the accusations – Mops and Pops then demanded that l apologise to Suze and l was like ‘What For? I have only relayed a conversation that Suze and l already had and no apologies were needed then??’
At this point in time, Suze wasn’t even aware of this … she was when l told her and also asked if they had said anything to her about it which she said ‘they have not raised anything with me’. I explained the situation to her and she said “Okay, so what’s the issue?”
I rang Mops and asked her what on earth the problem was? That l had even discussed this with Suze and there was not a problem like what Mops was raising with it? Below is the information l gave Mops in email and made a copy to Suze to prove that l had not said anything untoward!? Suze said if anything .. it was just very ‘me’ and some people didn’t understand me.
What l had said was that “Suze was post menopausal with serious confidence problems and a reluctance to believe in herself, l was trying to boost her confidences, but she was missing her grand children in Australia, is on HRT which is not going well for her as she would prefer the organic approach and her tempers drive me insane because she has turned into the devil seemingly overnight. Everything l do is wrong! But l love her, and l have just got to be more patient – what do l know about having menopause??”
That email conversation in May 2017 was according to them my first bad strike, no one told me at the time that my ‘brutal ‘autistic’ honesty’ was detrimental to their friendship.
Strike 2 came around as a result of me sinking into a depression and not telling them in May 2017…
… and strike three was because l refused to bag the compost l was making and selling it … it was irrelevant how many times l told them, that l couldn’t do it – that in the UK we needed to be licensed to sell organic homegrown compost … they wouldn’t have it. They accused me of all sorts and then accused me of being a roadblock to earning an income … in July 2017
“Trading Standards legislation??? For goodness sake just bag and sell the bloody stuff and stop trying to cause another roadblock excuse for not taking action? Sorry to sound harsh, but really? …actually, no I am not sorry I sound harsh!”
22nd July 2017 [Mops]
Back in July after reading this, l was suddenly very alarmed, and Suze and l had a massive argument and it was huge – it was revealed that Mops and Pops had been working to undermine us as a couple because l was not working …. the ramifications of their actions were one of the biggest reasons that Suze and l split up in August of 2017. They were the reason that Suze and l remained split as a couple and the only reason that we remained together was because of our furry child Scrappy.
Suze doesn’t remember any of 2017 she says … it was a bad year for both of us but l have not forgotten anything – but l have forgiven – but despite everything, l knew l loved this woman and wanted to stay with her and l struggled and worked us back together. I never stopped believing in us … but it has been hard.
Mops and Pops sent me an email on the 30th November 2017 inviting me to a neutral location, without Suze to ‘have it out’ with them about my poor treatment of the friendship and to discuss my Asperger’s with them properly, as they were having to make allowances for ‘my people’.
I declined stating that l wasn’t really sure what this whole thing was about – was it about an honest conversation l had with my partner that l relayed to them? Was it about me having depression? Was it about me not selling organic homegrown compost because it was illegal to do so without a license? Also, because when l read the insult aimed at my Aspergers l was raging and had l turned up, l would not have left till they were both unable to respond. My father once said ..
“Rory If you ever find yourself in a fight, make sure that you land a series of good solid punches and they don’t get up, because if they do, they’ll flatten you! Be this physically or verbally, make sure the attackers stay down!”
I offered them an olive branch instead and said ‘Look, l don’t know what this is really all about … but l am willing to forgive and move on, let’s bury the hatchett and start afresh, l cannot offer any fairer than that, because trust me – you really don’t want to put me in a corner!”
They declined, stating at their age … life was too short and so they wished me well and we never have spoken again….
Suze is and was and still is friends with them both and despite me being confused with this, they were her friends and so, l have no rights to say yay or nay … but l never forget what they did and because of that there is an element to Suze and my relationship that l am wary about. I know Suze would love for the four of us to all be friends again – but mm, l don’t think so… however,
……………… yesterday, Suze came back from having lunch with them and suddenly declared … “Mops and Pops miss you and want to know if ‘the hatchett could be buried’ – the incident not discussed again – which was what you offered them before and start afresh? They’ll not apologise as they say there is no need.”
I looked at Suze dumbfounded … “What??”
She repeated everything slowly and said ‘Take your time, you don’t need to answer straight away … but do you think that is something you could live with? People change Rory.”
I didn’t really need to think about it … l answered…
“No. I don’t need to think about it – it is very clear to me. Two years have passed since that dreadful time, a most horrific year, we nearly split up for good because of it, your friendship with them has always baffled me, but that’s your choice, l don’t trust them. They were offered an olive branch two years ago and they declined because they wanted a fight. They’ll not even apologise and you can’t see how one sided that is? Meaning they were NOT wrong, despite the fact they were terribly wrong??
“They insulted me and it takes a lot to seriously insult me, but they personally insulted me … whilst l was willing to bury the hatchett back then for your sake’ to keep the peace, two years later on, l am not – l have had a long time to think on how damaging they are as people – so … no. Yes people change, leopards however do not.”
I could see Suze was crestfallen, she would love for us to be friends again – she will respect my decision and not push me on it and she told both Mops and Pops that she didn’t know my answer…………
But they didn’t insult her directly but they did indirectly in my eyes – they insulted me on many levels, they insulted me and my friendship and trust to them – they insulted my intelligence and they further insulted my mentality’. I don’t need people like that in my life … yet here l am 24 plus hours writing about it … it is still a raw moment in my life … but the question l pose to you all is this …
How Underst…Accepti .. mm…Forgiving Are You?
Would you forgive people if they did this to you?
Is any friendship better than no friendship … or?