How Underst…Accepti .. mm…Forgiving Are You?

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How Underst…Accepti .. mm…Forgiving Are You?

In November 2017 l lost the friendship of two people who l considered good friends – Mops and Pops or Ma and Pa as they were nicknamed by Suze and l. They were friends to us both back then, and since then they are now only friends to Suze. Which l ‘accept’ but still see as a sleight in our relationship.

The friendship was lost due to them actually insulting me and trying to break up my relationship with Suze.

 Mops and Pops – Retired Pet Kennellers

From March 2016 – November 2017 l was friends with ‘Mops and Pops’ [married couple – Ma and Pa sort of thing], they were our ex- landlords prior to where we live now in Kent. They had a property in Canterbury and Suze and l lived there March 2016 – August 2016 [contract six months]. Really lovely people, in their early 70’s.  I am no longer friends with them, but Suze is still good friends with them.

2017 as a year, was a bitch – you will have seen me both make reference to it and write about it before – but it was a very trying year – Suze’s HRT saga, my mental stress and near breakdown – in simple terms – nightmare.

In late Spring 2017 – l had an email conversation with Mops [the lady] and we were talking about Suze – as per with most people l am brutally honest, but l’ll not say things to another if l haven’t discussed it with the other first.  Mops asked how Suze was and so l relayed a conversation Suze and l had had the previous day – it wasn’t private, it wasn’t secret – but l can be if asked to be very base, blunt and direct and so, l was asked how my partner was and l answered with the truth.

I wasn’t derrogative or detrimental about Suze – l was just honest, and l was talking to a friend of mine … or so l thought. However, my email to Mops that day discussing my health and Suze’s health caused a major problem – apparently.

I was accused of sharing relationship secrets or something of that kin …. of being rude and inflammatory about Suze and talking behind her back – it was a real shock to the system. I was seriously taken back by the accusations – Mops and Pops then demanded that l apologise to Suze and l was like ‘What For? I have only relayed a conversation that Suze and l already had and no apologies were needed then??’

At this point in time, Suze wasn’t even aware of this … she was when l told her and also asked if they had said anything to her about it which she said ‘they have not raised anything with me’. I explained the situation to her and she said “Okay, so what’s the issue?”

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I rang Mops and asked her what on earth the problem was? That l had even discussed this with Suze and there was not a problem like what Mops was raising with it? Below is the information l gave Mops in email and made a copy to Suze to prove that l had not said anything untoward!? Suze said if anything  .. it was just very ‘me’ and some people didn’t understand me.

What l had said was that “Suze was post menopausal with serious confidence problems and a reluctance to believe in herself, l was trying to boost her confidences, but she was missing her grand children in Australia, is on HRT which is not going well for her as she would prefer the organic approach and her tempers drive me insane because she has turned into the devil seemingly overnight. Everything l do is wrong! But l love her, and l have just got to be more patient – what do l know about having menopause??”

That email conversation in May 2017 was according to them my first bad strike, no one told me at the time that my ‘brutal ‘autistic’ honesty’ was detrimental to their friendship.

Strike 2 came around as a result of me sinking into a depression and not telling them in May 2017…

… and strike three was because l refused to bag the compost l was making and selling it … it was irrelevant how many times l told them, that l couldn’t do it – that in the UK we needed to be licensed to sell organic homegrown compost … they wouldn’t have it. They accused me of all sorts and then accused me of being a roadblock to earning an income … in July 2017

“Trading Standards legislation??? For goodness sake just bag and sell the bloody stuff and stop trying to cause another roadblock excuse for not taking action? Sorry to sound harsh, but really?  …actually, no I am not sorry I sound harsh!”

22nd July 2017 [Mops]

Back in July after reading this, l was suddenly very alarmed, and Suze and l had a massive argument and it was huge – it was revealed that Mops and Pops had been working to undermine us as a couple because l was not working …. the ramifications of their actions were one of the biggest reasons that Suze and l split up in August of 2017. They were the reason that Suze and l remained split as a couple and the only reason that we remained together was because of our furry child Scrappy. 

Suze doesn’t remember any of 2017 she says … it was a bad year for both of  us but l have not forgotten anything – but l have forgiven – but despite everything, l knew l loved this woman and wanted to stay with her and l struggled and worked us back together. I never stopped believing in us … but it has been hard.

Mops and Pops sent me an email on the 30th November 2017 inviting me to a neutral location, without Suze to ‘have it out’ with them about my poor treatment of the friendship and to discuss my Asperger’s with them properly, as they were having to make allowances for ‘my people’. 

I declined stating that l wasn’t really sure what this whole thing was about – was it about an honest conversation l had with my partner that l relayed to them? Was it about me having depression? Was it about me not selling organic homegrown compost because it was illegal to do so without a license? Also, because when l read the insult aimed at my Aspergers l was raging and had l turned up, l would not have left till they were both unable to respond. My father once said ..

“Rory If you ever find yourself in a fight, make sure that you land a series of good solid punches and they don’t get up, because if they do, they’ll flatten you! Be this physically or verbally, make sure the attackers stay down!”

I offered them an olive branch instead and said ‘Look, l don’t know what this is really all about … but l am willing to forgive and move on, let’s bury the hatchett and start afresh, l cannot offer any fairer than that, because trust me – you really don’t want to put me in a corner!”

They declined, stating at their age  … life was too short and so they wished me well and we never have spoken again….

Suze is and was and still is friends with them both and despite me being confused with this, they were her friends and so, l have no rights to say yay or nay … but l never forget what they did and because of that there is an element to Suze and my relationship that l am wary about. I know Suze would love for the four of us to all be friends again – but mm, l don’t think so… however,

……………………..

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……………… yesterday,  Suze came back from having lunch with them and suddenly declared … “Mops and Pops miss you and want to know if ‘the hatchett could be buried’ – the incident not discussed again – which was what you offered them before and start afresh? They’ll not apologise as they say there is no need.”

I looked at Suze dumbfounded … “What??”

She repeated everything slowly and said ‘Take your time, you don’t need to answer straight away … but do you think that is something you could live with? People change Rory.”

I didn’t really need to think about it … l answered…

“No. I don’t need to think about it – it is very clear to me. Two years have passed since that dreadful time, a most horrific year, we nearly split up for good because of it, your friendship with them has always baffled me, but that’s your choice, l don’t trust them. They were offered an olive branch two years ago and they declined because they wanted a fight. They’ll not even apologise and you can’t see how one sided that is? Meaning they were NOT wrong, despite the fact they were terribly wrong??

“They insulted me and it takes a lot to seriously insult me, but they personally insulted me … whilst l was willing to bury the hatchett back then for your sake’ to keep the peace, two years later on, l am not – l have had a long time to think on how damaging they are as people – so … no. Yes people change, leopards however do not.”

I could see Suze was crestfallen, she would love for us to be friends again – she will respect my decision and not push me on it and she told both Mops and Pops that she didn’t know my answer…………

But they didn’t insult her directly but they did indirectly in my eyes – they insulted me on many levels, they insulted me and my friendship and trust to them – they insulted my intelligence and they further insulted my mentality’. I don’t need people like that in my life … yet here l am 24 plus hours writing about it … it is still a raw moment in my life … but the question l pose to you all is this …

How Underst…Accepti .. mm…Forgiving Are You?

Would you forgive people if they did this to you?

Is any friendship better than no friendship … or?

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27 thoughts on “How Underst…Accepti .. mm…Forgiving Are You?

    1. You are very forgiving Sadje, l used to be like that, but getting burned too frequently, makes and keeps me cynical … trust them, l agree not as far as l could throw them.

      1. Trust, once betrayed, can never be earned, unless they are our immediate family. Like siblings or parents. And sometimes not even then. I am the sort who would compromise for a loved one’s sake. But maybe it’s not 100% honest, when in my heart I harbor resentment.

        1. My philosophy is l would rather be honest from the get go – l miss them, truly l do, but they cut deep, broke trust and then levelled an insult in my face, then expect me to say ‘sure no problem’ two years later? Nope, just can’t happen.

          I would be civil to them, but l wouldn’t pay them any heed above that.

          1. You’re right. We all need to act according to how we think. You should do what is right for you. As I said that regaining trust is very difficult once someone has lost it.

  1. Nah, I’m with you. Honestly, I’m impressed at how forgiving you are after a comment like “your people.”

    I think I’d be civil and wary, and patient. If they’re really willing to bury the hatchet, they’ll eventually apologize.

    1. Hey Chelsea – of course there is that … eventually … but l think even an apology wouldn’t sit right and knowing Mops as l do now, she simply couldn’t do it, ‘she’s never wrong’.

  2. May I offer this quote from Maya Angelou “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.”

  3. Forgiveness, I have always thought, is more for the person forgiving than the one forgiven. If you can let go of the anger, for they don’t give a damn if you are or not, would be for your own peace of mind. Stay fa away from people like that Rory. You are a great guy, an obviously loving and caring husband to Suze, and you certainly do not need THEM in your life. Let go of the anger of it all if possible. Your staying angry is allowing them to control your feelings.

    1. Hey Suze, l had in fact forgiven them and moved on with everything – it is still fresh because my own Suze is still friends with them – l can live with that as l said to her. But just because l have forgiven them doesn’t mean l want anything to do with them. I thought Suze knew that, she obviously didn’t quite grasp it, she does now.

      I’ll not stop her friendship with them, l not cuss them out or curse them, but l am happy not having them in my life and have said that now so that it’s understood. i don’t wish them ill, but our good times were over two years ago.

  4. No, and I would be annoyed at Suze for not having your back. She’s your partner and while she may not agree on everything, she should be loyal. And vice versa! If there is a person she can’t stand, you should sever your friendship with them.

    I may hold extreme views. But to me loyalty is EVERYTHING. The minute someone mistreats my children, they are dead to me. There is never the possibility of forgiveness. I quit dating a man immediately when he had the nerve to badmouth my daughter’s choice of colleges. No forgiveness possible!

    I have forgiven people however for their offenses against ME. But I don’t forget them. And I don’t fully trust these people ever again. But they are part of my social group and I don’t want to sit home alone all the time. Yet!

    1. I agree with you on all counts and l did express my annoyance with Suze – it is as l have written a sleight with our relationship, and l am still wary of the ramifications of 2017 and them and her in our relationship.

      However, she says she has forgotten 2017 due to the stress and l have to believe that … but it still doesn’t mean l have forgotten that.

      As said it is a thorn in my side and l am still confused why she is friends with them.

  5. I was always a peacemaker, turn the other cheek and all that. However, in my Senior years I have begun toI can’t tell think of interactions with others as much like tuning into a radio station. To me, at this point, it’s about frequency – people are either resonating with you or they aren’t. If there is static, I turn the dial – disconnect. No fault, no blame, just moving on to a more harmonious connection with another station. 😊

    1. You are quite right Betty, with some people we click and others we don’t. We did originally click, but with this level of trust broken it doesn’t matter if l forgive them, which l have – l can just never be in the same room as them comfortably.

  6. Sorry for the typo! 😬 The first sentence was supposed to be, “I can’t tell you what to do, but I no longer interact with contentious people.”, but somehow the words got all mixed up and disbursed throughout the other text. (??) Missed taking out the “I can’t tell” part, which ended up in the second sentence. I had to laugh when I saw it come up after I hit SEND and I couldn’t correct it. It kind of seems like a good example somehow of how things can get mixed up in communicating with others and be misunderstood – sometimes causing a lot of hard feelings!

  7. They are right about one thing – life is too short. I’ve forgiven way more than I should and it ends up backfiring on me, so people in my life only get one chance now, if they hurt me in any way, shape, or form, then I block them out of my life.

    1. I think that is sadly the only way to be Ami – as you have said and l totally am in support ‘life’s too short’. I can ‘forgive’, but l can never forget and because l never can forget – l simply cannot have those people in my life anymore.

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