Dear Blog – 12.05 – 16/01/20

“After everything l did and l tried … she died!”

It’s been a really tough eight days since the 8th January when l published this  Dear Blog – “How happy are you today Rory?”  and it’s been a tough six days since this  Dear Blog –My Lava Broke! and a horrendous four days since this … Dear Blog – 15.55 – 12/01/20 and who remembers this? Growing on the Wild Side! [2] which was published on the 5th January.

Which whilst only eleven days ago, in light of everything else that has passed ‘time wise’ seems an eternity. Yet that last post l showed you Ava as she was and outlined the battles l had been undertaking to try and save her – you’ll probably not hit any of these links – so the photos below are what Ava looked like 11 days ago, whilst the photos at the top are Ava this morning. I lost the battle with Ava and on the 12th or Sunday morning, she started to die and fast – now she is as a last saving bid outside under the heavy deluges of natural rainfall … but sadly like Scrappy, Ava is dead too.

On the 12th January which is now only four days ago, it was a fucking awful day for me, for Suze and for Scrappy especially – although for Scrappy l think maybe more of an unknown blessing, but also l think for Ava too. The numbers on the 12th are also terrible for sequencing ….

The date was ..

12 – 01 – 20

Scrappy’s appointment was  ..

12.20

The Vet’s name spelled out equalled = 87 or 19151818512

….  a bad sequence.

On Sunday, l knew it was going to be not just a bad day, but a really bad day. I had had a terrible nightmare the previous night, and well of course let’s not forget this  Dear Blog – I Had a Dream … What Da?! which was the 3rd January. What this basically translated to … was loss and grief and mourning and sadness – but also ‘not just change’ , but distinctly significant change and in the last 13 days since that was published l have witnessed serious change.

It’s been a struggle for me since Sunday. On Monday and Tuesday, Suze stayed home off work, not just for me, but l asked her to stay home for her own mental wellbeing – being at work was not going to be conducive to healthy mental. So she stayed at home and worked from home.  But on Monday, Suze had me on ‘suicide watch’. NO, not to be read literally, l didn’t contemplate that – but Suze has never seen me weep and so to see me break and weep for almost the entire day was unknown territory for her and she was very, very concerned for my mental state of being.

We have been an official couple since June 2013 – seven years this year, and Monday 13th January was the first time she had ever seen me not just cry but break down and weep. I weep when l lose my dogs, my father died October 18th 2018 and l shed a tear for that man – because despite being my father and l his son, we never shared a good relationship. [His choice] So l couldn’t cry let alone weep over his passing.

But l do weep with the passing of my dogs…. since my early twenties l can count the episodes where upon l have broken down and wept –  1987 and 1991 – those are the only two dates l have ever wept for people. But 1998, 2005, 2008, 2014 and 2020 these are the dates l have wept for my dogs lost or more personally,  Fluke, Frascal, Lucy and Misty, Dora and Scrappy – all dogs of my pack, making me now – the last pack member.

With death, comes new life and change … and these last few days l have been making changes to my life … recognising things, identifying topics and coming to understand other issues about me and my personality, my identity, my writing, my progression and my moving forwards.

I have been sluggish this week, and my focus and my concentration shot to shit a bit admittedly, but my babystepping points system has still been active thank goodness, and my blog still open .. so sure l am slow, but l am getting better and my levels of thinking straight are not so kinked today or bent out of shape as they were in the previous days of this week.

I have another ‘The Happening Today” episode out later and l shall discuss there certain changes. In addition to that, l wanted to say thank you to those who have had me in their thoughts this week and those who have privately emailed me also, genuinely appreciated and you know who you all are, so thank you.

A Guy Called Bloke Feature Dear Blog JPEG

Dear Blog ……

 

35 thoughts on “Dear Blog – 12.05 – 16/01/20

  1. I wept for a month after Princess Hunydog left me the sole member of my happy pack of five. I actually howled sometimes, the pain cut so deep. So I completely understand. It is disconcerting to see men break and weep, but it’s also somehow reassuring. Men of your (and mine) generation were taught to be “tough boys” and never EVER show tears or grief in public places. In the early 1980s my brother had a dog that he loved dearly (more so than anyone guessed) and the dog died in an accident. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen my brother break down and weep (except at my parents’ funerals). He wouldn’t let any one else near him because I think he was embarrassed at the outburst, but I was glad for him. It meant he could start to heal. I wish nothing but good things going forward for you my friend. Sounds like you had a very very horrible day, and maybe that’s your portion for the year and no more horrible bits are coming along. Take care of YOU Rory, a lot of us in cyber-land are watching and prayers are sent your way.

    1. I know when Huny went l was as devastated as you were Melanie, l was also very very worried for you as indeed was Cyranny – l am going to be writing about our dogs later on this month with a series called ‘Being true dog’, l think you may well be able to relate to the series.

  2. Oh, poor Ava and poor Rory too. Avamagodos are temperamental and UK is really their favorite kind of environment, especially the salt near the sea.
    Saturn & Pluto are wrecking havoc all over the place and Jupiter is heading towards the party. Oh boy…

    I’m glad some of the fog is clearing. I’m glad you’re letting yourself express your grief. I hope you’re able to add more points of positivity as the days go by!
    💌

    1. I looked up Avamagodos and then realised it was an ‘error?’ The UK ‘isn’t’ their favourite environment perhaps? The salt by the coast doesn’t help them maybe….?

      But you are right the planets are not looking pretty sadly ….

  3. It is a big loss and you will need time to come to grips with it. As with any loved one we lose, the hurt will never go away but one learns to live with it.

  4. No matter how hard we try, there is nothing we can say that will ease your pain. But we can care and share that caring as feelings of loving compassion. I continue to hold you in my HEART, wishing you well. 💞

      1. That is astonishing for sure! I’ve tried all my life to make sense of such coincidences. Like, you want to be prepared somehow, you know? There are so many explanations to be found, in astrology and numerology, for instance. But none have given comfort over the years. It’s like such experiences leave a mark on the page of life too difficult for logic to comprehend. Maybe that in itself is the point. (??) Whatever, it is most difficult! Especially when we are in the midst of an ebb-tide. All we can do is try to find an anchor point so we don’t get pulled out to sea. At this time, I feel, Suze is that anchor point for you. Thank God you have her!

  5. The pain is so real and breaking down and weeping is a normal and healthy reaction to it. Realizing that there is, and settling in to, a new normal is good but may take a while. Take the time that you need. Things are getting better after our loss and I have come to realize that the sadness and pain that we feel are the price we pay for all the joy and love that we received through having him in our life. Now it seems like the tears are mostly brought on by the happy memories and would not trade those memories for anything.
    Take care Rory.

    1. Hey Ruth, this is so true – today l was saying to myself to accept that making the decision to end her days was the right thing to do, and to stop punishing myself for doing the right thing – once l had accepted that, l felt … better and then felt guilty for feeling better.

  6. I still can’t believe Scrappy is no longer with you 😓 This year did not start really well, I would say really awful…but you are not the last of your pack, you have Suze now! And Scrappy for sure would like to see her pawrents happy 🐶
    Take care Rory! I’m sure is a very hard time but you can do it as you always did! Stay strong! 😊🤗

    1. Hey Ribana, worry not, the term was applicable to the time when l had an 8 strong pack of dogs and l was head of that pack. When l divorced in 2008 my then ‘wife’ deliberately and spitefully split my pack in half and took four of my dogs away and then rehomed two of them … that really hurt when l found out as l couldn’t track them down. But l was left with four dogs notably, Misty, Scrappy, Lucy and Dora – Lucy and Misty died a couple of months apart in 2008 and then it was Scrappy and Dora left.

      Suze and l are not a pack we are a couple, when Scrappy was with us, we were not a true pack but a family , whilst my girls and l before Suze were the remaining pack.

  7. I can totally relate to this Rory. The loss of a beloved furry family member hits the heart harder than anything. Big hugs my friend, you are telling the tales of your pack and letting their memory live on.

  8. Oh Rory grieving so much for your beloved Scrappy is good love is not defined as human alone. My dogs are my family totally since my partner died. They are what got me through afterwards and when I had my breakdown four years later they were there for me all three. I have two now, having lost my Smithfield just over 14 months ago(in his sleep aged 12 perfect) Your grief compounded by the choices you and Suze had to make. In my heart.

    1. Hey Tazzie, l am sorry for your loss of Smithfield – but you are right, in his sleep at a grand age is a lovely and fitting way for our best friends and soul companions to slip away. It’s what Suze and l wanted for Scrappy – yet the K9 dementia in many ways stole that choice from all of us.

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