“After everything l did and l tried … she died!”
It’s been a really tough eight days since the 8th January when l published this Dear Blog – “How happy are you today Rory?” and it’s been a tough six days since this Dear Blog –My Lava Broke! and a horrendous four days since this … Dear Blog – 15.55 – 12/01/20 and who remembers this? Growing on the Wild Side!  which was published on the 5th January.
Which whilst only eleven days ago, in light of everything else that has passed ‘time wise’ seems an eternity. Yet that last post l showed you Ava as she was and outlined the battles l had been undertaking to try and save her – you’ll probably not hit any of these links – so the photos below are what Ava looked like 11 days ago, whilst the photos at the top are Ava this morning. I lost the battle with Ava and on the 12th or Sunday morning, she started to die and fast – now she is as a last saving bid outside under the heavy deluges of natural rainfall … but sadly like Scrappy, Ava is dead too.
On the 12th January which is now only four days ago, it was a fucking awful day for me, for Suze and for Scrappy especially – although for Scrappy l think maybe more of an unknown blessing, but also l think for Ava too. The numbers on the 12th are also terrible for sequencing ….
The date was ..
12 – 01 – 20
Scrappy’s appointment was ..
The Vet’s name spelled out equalled = 87 or 19151818512
…. a bad sequence.
On Sunday, l knew it was going to be not just a bad day, but a really bad day. I had had a terrible nightmare the previous night, and well of course let’s not forget this Dear Blog – I Had a Dream … What Da?! which was the 3rd January. What this basically translated to … was loss and grief and mourning and sadness – but also ‘not just change’ , but distinctly significant change and in the last 13 days since that was published l have witnessed serious change.
It’s been a struggle for me since Sunday. On Monday and Tuesday, Suze stayed home off work, not just for me, but l asked her to stay home for her own mental wellbeing – being at work was not going to be conducive to healthy mental. So she stayed at home and worked from home. But on Monday, Suze had me on ‘suicide watch’. NO, not to be read literally, l didn’t contemplate that – but Suze has never seen me weep and so to see me break and weep for almost the entire day was unknown territory for her and she was very, very concerned for my mental state of being.
We have been an official couple since June 2013 – seven years this year, and Monday 13th January was the first time she had ever seen me not just cry but break down and weep. I weep when l lose my dogs, my father died October 18th 2018 and l shed a tear for that man – because despite being my father and l his son, we never shared a good relationship. [His choice] So l couldn’t cry let alone weep over his passing.
But l do weep with the passing of my dogs…. since my early twenties l can count the episodes where upon l have broken down and wept – 1987 and 1991 – those are the only two dates l have ever wept for people. But 1998, 2005, 2008, 2014 and 2020 these are the dates l have wept for my dogs lost or more personally, Fluke, Frascal, Lucy and Misty, Dora and Scrappy – all dogs of my pack, making me now – the last pack member.
With death, comes new life and change … and these last few days l have been making changes to my life … recognising things, identifying topics and coming to understand other issues about me and my personality, my identity, my writing, my progression and my moving forwards.
I have been sluggish this week, and my focus and my concentration shot to shit a bit admittedly, but my babystepping points system has still been active thank goodness, and my blog still open .. so sure l am slow, but l am getting better and my levels of thinking straight are not so kinked today or bent out of shape as they were in the previous days of this week.
I have another ‘The Happening Today” episode out later and l shall discuss there certain changes. In addition to that, l wanted to say thank you to those who have had me in their thoughts this week and those who have privately emailed me also, genuinely appreciated and you know who you all are, so thank you.