Adulting Isn’t Easy!
I wish my parents had been bolder
… and been truthful about getting older,
When l was younger,
instead of pretending their blunders,
They would continually argue the toss..
… about who was boss,
But, forgetting they had kids too,
.. that didn’t care –
Who was who,
As long as they were there!
I didn’t learn much from either one,
About getting through life from stage one,
But l did learn how not to be,
So l guess,
I should be contented and happy,
That l can at least confess,
To not being a complete adult mess!
I am first to openly say,
… that adulting isn’t easy,
There are good and bad days,
From downright cheesey to breezy,
But the one thing that is true,
Is that life is a huge lesson for you!
© Rory Matier 2019
It’s been a year and some since l wrote this in November 2018 A Man on Pause and a lot has happened in those 13 months. I said to myself l would revisit it at one point and decided to do that today, four days away and out of 2020. The last year or so has been both a year trying and a trying year, but l can say that if l thought l was an adult before, l am probably more of an adult today!
Damn what a year it has been since that published post. We are four days away from a brand new year, the last year in a decade … 2009 – 2019 has been a hell of a ride. I am ten years older and l believe ten years wiser, l hope so anyway! I have seen a lot through much older eyes in the last ten years alone … l have found myself, l started the journey properly in 2009 after my last relationship broke up, and l got seriously burned and so l took it on to NOT experience that again ever!
Suze and l got together as a couple in 2012 and all was right until 2017 which was a seriously tough year, personally and emotionally for both of us – through post menopause for her and a 30 year depression for me – but we got through that individually – l kicked the ass of my demons in November of that year, and Suze kicked herself off HRT and started the process more naturally. But we broke up as a couple in August 2017 and only stayed together as a couple for the sake of Scrappy. For me in some ways that period of time was like history repeating itself. A very trying time it was from August 2017 – November 2018. We came good again in April 2019.
By 2018 November l didn’t still know if as a couple we would be together – but a lot happened from then to where we are today, and we survived it. We not only survived but came out of the fog much stronger- proving true grit, determination and perseverance and not forgetting love can see you through the darkness.
Suze came back from Australia last year, run down and then she travelled to Australia again in June of this year only to come back not just run down, but seriously ill and some of you may recall, that in August she was admitted into hospital with a sepsis infection and nearly died. She learned a lot from that, as did l.
In October 2018 my father passed away and the journey from that alone lasted for a good year. The travels through my family with his loss was both a chain reaction as well as filled with repercussions – l discovered more than l ever knew about that man and travelled from forgiveness of him as a younger father to almost hatred back to forgiveness, but never forgetful of who he was … indeed who my family were … truly, deeply and annoyingly. For a while l had a sister, but soon learned that was a falsehood from her to try and best me out of my inheritance! Now l no longer have a sister, just another relative who happens to be a sibling by blood, but that is it.
My mother and l went through a testing and trying time, but we are slowly making good, she is my only parent left, but l learned about her also through this trying period and as much as l love her, l am now a lot more wary.
The start of this year still saw me still in serious pain with my injured right shoulder, and that would not leave me as a problem until end May which came about after a failed and unneeded shoulder operation and only upon receiving a quality physiotherapist who correctly identified the problem [a fractured rotar cuff] and together we worked on it and l started to recover … finally the end to an extremely painful 18 month injury. Today as l type l still have twinges from it to remind me to not overdo things – and of course the integrity has been breached so it will never be the same again – the initial failure of the NHS to identify properly resulted in way too much pain and way too many chemical tablets, which screwed my insides up to the point that today l am still recovering from their toxicity.
I was healthy prior to the January 2018 arrival of the fractured rotar, l had excellent gut health and a great stomach bacteria – but 15 months of an assortment assault of medication stripped out and away that health and so in December 2019, l am just starting the long journey forwards to replacing and rebuilding that bacteria and that has meant that even more of my dietary requirements has become slimmer. Suze and l are both now on much more reduced diets. Oh well, such is the way of life – in the next twelve month, or by December of next year, l will be revisiting this post hopefully from a completely different approach – health wise!
Scrappy, bless her didn’t receive the best news …thankfully not that she knows it – she knows herself to be probably older and slower, but like us all, still has a very young brain, albeit that it is addled with K9 dementia. But considering that according to the vets she is dying, she doesn’t know it and as Suze and l joke, Scrappy is the only one that didn’t get the memo “PS – You’re Dying!”
Since her diagnosis of anal cancer in June – we have both been on tenderhooks and suffering from stress from both the elephant in the room syndrome and her dementia is like a dark cloud of soap around your neck. She hit her 16th birthday end November and although she limps and wobbles and at night, puffs, pants and paces to the point of distraction, l am still thankful she is here. I would love for her to pass away in her sleep when the time is right for her, that may read as terrible, but after 16 years in my life as my closest friend, as much as l am mentally trying to prepare for her loss, it would break my heart in two if l had to make the decision for her and end her life. It wouldn’t seem right for her after such a healthy and long life on her terms.
I am still unsure how this is going to pan out as a story – but l enjoy each day with her and her terrible breath and poor memory of who l am or we are. She knows deep down that we are still mum and dad, but at times she doesn’t know who she is or where she is, it’s just terribly saddening.
Just over two years blogging now, or if l was like 7 years of age, l would say “Well it’s 28 months old it is!!” It’s been a great learning curve, l have discovered a lot more about myself and other people too. Found and developed some terrific friendships along the way which has been a bonus and very welcomed and always appreciated.
Lisa and l have worked for the last four months together on rebranding the blog and the last of that is to be finalised soon, and l am very happy with the overall results achieved, but l will write of that and the exciting new features l have planned in for next year in a post soon enough.
Blogging is a terrific way l think of finding out more about yourself – who you are especially on the inside – writing through expression or is it expression through your writing? Doesn’t really matter for me it’s the same both ways … due to my blogging experience l have become more balanced and accepting of who l am, that l didn’t know l was lacking before. That’s been as exciting and tough as a journey as any l have undertaken in the past … it all just adds up to making you, you or more of you perhaps.
I was very enthusiastic a few months ago, about life and it is NOT that l am not now, but with both Suze becoming ill and nearly dying, Scrappy receiving her diagnosis as she did, going through a grief process too soon and becoming ill after my shoulder recovering, knocked that enthusiasm down a few pegs … blogging, that journey and the friendships here helped me restabilise and recognise that l was suffering from trying to run when l needed to proceed with baby steps.
By this l mean back in July l had taken on board too much and so l started the slower journey to cutting back, making more time and settling in for a much longer game plan with my life .. realising that l didn’t need to rush headlong into everything and anything – life’s too short – l needed to learn to appreciate it again.
It’s not me being overly cryptic, my l guess hard core followers will understand this section more as they have seen the transformations visually and as well, they have read about the changes. So 2020, is going to be a really good year for me. If 2019 was a tough year in adulting terms, next year is about really starting to appreciate the learning curves of this year and putting them into action.
Worry not, if you are lost at this stage – you know me, l’ll let you know through my posts! I am like an open book, to those who know how to read!
That’s mostly me, but what about you, four days out from the end of 2019, how’s your year been?
Anyway, thanks for reading, catch you soon.