Dear Blog – “Three in the bed and one on top!”
[Aka – The Art of being social without really trying!”]
You may recall in the Dear Blog Episode: Dear Blog – “Oh the Irony of Humour!” How l made reference to [Not all, l have a lunch tomorrow with Suze’s cousin and husband – the cousin is an ex teacher and an extremely quirky and funny person! Her husband is on the spectrum – brilliant fun is always had with fantastic conversation!]
Well that was yesterday lunchtime [Sunday]. Suze and myself, met up with her cousin and the cousin’s husband for lunch at a truly lovely little pub/restaurant in the beautiful village – The Rose Inn in Wickhambreaux which is just awesome, so if you ever want a really lovely lunchtime meal in a great ambient setting, have a go … although if you are anywhere else around the world or somewhere else in the UK and not Kent, that’s probably not going to be an easy or quick journey!
So, you may have to have a good pair of walking boots and a packed lunch ready before you set off! It is described as the quintessential country pub!
They have had us visit before, at least once, l do recall telling you all about this pub earlier this year, but if they thought we laughed loud last time, they were sorely mistaken … we most assuredly laughed harder this time!
Imagine if you can two couples one in their mid fifties [Suze and myself] and one in their mid sixties. Imagine further if you can, one quirky non spectrum orientated ex English teacher [the cousin] and two Aspergians! [Husband and myself], then imagine the one sane one …. yep Suze!
Then add to that mix that the four of us when all sat together with no alcohol between us but lime and sodas, one tonic water and one ginger beer you are slowly picturing the scene and then furthermore add to the mix the final feature and that is we are all like Enid Blyton’s The Adventurous Four – without the twins – although according to Suze and her cousin however, myself and her husband are a bit like that – failing that – perhaps we might be better described as Statler and Waldorf!
However in fairness, whilst Waldorf and myself are on the spectrum with a combined Aspergian force that Luke Skywalker and Yoda combined might find a handful, the cousin herself is to describe a mixture of Velma from Scoobydoo, Lisa Simpson from The Simpsons, Lucy van Pelt from Peanuts, Dora the Explorer and Wilma Flintstone with a tinsy bit of Crazy Bag Lady thrown in for good measure … so l can understand at times why Suze is a tad overwhelmed!
There is always a good laugh to be had, and as l have written before when l am in great social company and relaxed and not on tenderhooks, l truly shine, they say – Two older Aspies on the same table is always good for a laugh but with the cousin thrown in who at times comes across as slightly batty, then you know humour is going to be both plentiful and in abundance and yesterday was no different.
Two things happened yesterday which made the local residents and the other diners look around to our table which is when Suze bless her, tends to develop a similiarity to a beetroot, but hey when you are all laughing nothing really matters. Right?
Our waitress was a lovely young lady, but for some reason looked like a chair – no SHE didn’t look like a chair but she was wearing a skirt that was like one of the chairs at the cousin’s house and she was adamant that the materials were one and the same, no of course nothing was mentioned to the lady in question, but you know once that seed is sown you can’t stop thinking about chair fabrics! In truth, it was a strange pattern to have as a skirt, but the lady wore it well.
The cousin was telling us the story of her husband’s – [it’s easier to say husband, they are not actually married, they were married, but they got divorced, then they got back together again, but decided to not marry – anyway her husband’s] – dog Nemo, who l know l have told you about before – the one they rescued from Greece, a streetdog – anyway, Nemo as he is now called which in Latin actually means ‘nobody’. Yes his dog is called nobody, but that’s just Latin – his name is Nemo, and not from Finding Nemo, but that was the basis of Nemo acquiring his name – the search for a somebody was started a couple of years back and then they found nobody, and brought nobody back and so nobody is now called Nemo! Still with me?
Nemo alongside Folly, which is the cousin’s Red Setter are not allowed on their bed, but the cousin went away for a few days leaving the husband with the strict instructions that Nemo and Folly were not allowed on their bed, and when she returned she found that her husband was now sharing the bed with Nemo and Folly slept on top!! Worse than that Nemo and the husband were in the spooning position!! So now the cousin has to share her bed with two dogs and the husband – the husband and her in the bed with normally Nemo behind the husband and Folly laying on top on the other three completely outstretched!
The cousin at times can no longer sleep in her bed with three bodies stretching out and so has to get up and go into the spare room just to get her shut eye and when she tries to return in the morning, nope not happening!
But yesterday she turned up at the pub and her left eye was terribly blood shot, it looked like she had been hit and upon questioning, Suze and l discovered that during one of the nights in the week, she had been in bed asleep, when she felt a strange prodding in the back of her bottom … “Hallo” Thought she, is the other half in the mood for some tickle? So she reached around and found something soft and suddenly realised she was stroking Nemo who instead of spooning with his dad, was now inbetween the two of them!
So she thought oh well and started stroking Nemo, and then suddenly her husband said, “I am trying to sleep, could you please stop stroking me … there!!”
“What?” She declared, “l thought l was stroking Nemo?!” She promptly looked under the covers and Nemo was actually further down the bed and as she burrowed her way down under the covers, Nemo who was in a deep sleep, suddenly found himself looking at a strange bedraggled face and side swiped her and growled at the same time thinking he was being attacked by another dog!! Suddenly under the covers a fight broke out between Nemo the street dog suddenly protecting his dad from a strange dog who was attacking him under the bed covers!! That’s how she got her black eye! From a nobody!
Well when the story was told we just howled with laughter! Which is when the locals and the other diners stopped and looked at us, it felt like that scene from a Werewolf in London – in the Slaughtered Lamb .. you know the one?
The second funniest moment was twin fold in truth … after drinking basically two pints of lime and soda, l had to get up and pee, and so l walked to the toilet, got in, attended to my business and when l was finished l was washing my hands and above the sink there was the strangest looking mirror l had ever seen in my life!? It was all silver! You couldn’t see yourself in the reflection and l was wiping it with my hands and thinking ‘”How very strange, a mirror with no reflection?”
It was only as l finished washing my hands that l realised that the thing l mistook for a mirror was actually the paper towel dispenser and the mirror was behind me!! Thank goodness there was no one else inside the gents at the same time as me … however when l got back to the table and explained this and everyone laughed the cousin looked at me quizzically and said “That’s so strange, a similiar thing happened to me the other day .. well of sorts…”
So she proceeded to tell us about how she had gone into a shop and as she was going down the narrow stairs, she suddenly stopped as there was an old lady in front of her looking back at her … obviously trying to get through and past her at the same time as she was going down the stairs! The cousin stopped and said to the lady “Would you like to get past?”
But the other lady didn’t answer and just looked at her. The cousin once more asked if the lady would like to get past and so she moved and at the same time the lady moved the same direction … “Well, at this rate we will be here all day!” The cousin moved to the other side and so did the old lady. “Well this will not do, l will move to my right and you move to your left ok?”
The old lady did not make any response, so the cousin did that, she moved to her right and …. ? The old lady moved to her right also!!
The cousin was about to say something when she suddenly stopped and looked very closely at the same time the old lady did exactly the same … “Blimey l have got old!!” The cousin suddenly declared when she realised that the other older lady in front was actually herself looking into a mirror at the bottom of the stairs!!
Well at that confession we all four just died at the table with the laughter of it all, l was in pain l was laughing so hard, and struggled to breathe! Which is when everyone looked again … and to think we weren’t even drinking!
Twas a funny, funny lunch time with great food, great friends and terrific comedy!
Anyway, thanks for reading, catch you soon.