But, Whyyyyyy?

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But, Whyyyyyy?

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Today as l was in town attending my own nutritionist appointment which was an eye opener by itself and l will discuss elsewhere at a later time as to how my compost heap and myself are two very similiar entities with regards our diets. Afterwards l walked around the town awaiting for Suze’s leg waxing appointment to finish and strolled along looking at shops, being pleased that there was a break in the weather and listening out for ‘snippets’ of conversation.

Whilst l was waiting to cross the road and for the traffic lights to change to green from red,  l overheard a rather sad conversation between a mother and her two children. The youngest, a lad of perhaps the age of  7 or 8, was pleading with his mum to explain why ‘daddy would not be with them for Christmas?’

“Because your ‘father’ has chosen to be with another lady for Christmas!!” She answered sternly. The other child, l presumed to be the sister was a few years older and basically stated, “Mum and dad are getting a divorce, it happens, get used to it!”

The little boy looked at his sister and his mother shrugged and answered “But, whyyyyyy?”

I was quite saddened by this conversation and especially his pleading with both his mother and sister with their angry and cynical attitudes and walked on over the road, pondering upon what l had just overheard.

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It made me think to my own parent’s divorce back in the later 80’s when l was already a young man and having had left home and was already dealing with my own life crisis. At the time my sister was still living with my mother at home, and my father was already firmly in the throes of seeking comfort and companionship from someone else. My parents had been married for thirty years and would have been divorced for another thirty had my father still been alive this year.

I am divorced 11 years this year, but luckily l/we had no children together and so no children of mine/ours had to go through this anguish.

When my parents told me they were divorcing, l was not shocked, perhaps just amazed as to how they hadn’t divorced years and years before it did happen, as they both grew to no longer love each other but detest each other instead. I never asked why of them, l simply accepted it as the wisest decision ever.

Divorce is once more on the up, as crude divorce rate figures will inform you and the figures for divorce for following marriages is even higher  … reminds me of once the integrity of a vase is broken, no matter how many times you glue it back together because it was once broken, it will never be the same, as is always prone to breaking again.

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But as l walked and replayed the boys ‘But Whyyy??’, in my head, l wondered if just because marriage is on the increase, and more popular than ever before say in comparison to thirty years ago if it makes it easier for children to accept and understand? Was the sister’s cynical attitude just a sign of the time of today’s society?

So? Do you think that with the state of play with regards the commoness of divorce today, does this make it easier for children to live and deal with or just as hard as ever?

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16 thoughts on “But, Whyyyyyy?

  1. It was hard for me to live with my parents’ constant arguing. I had no siblings to huddle with and discuss the situation; it was just me alone listening to them yell and/or trying to play peacemaker. Horrible! They’d confide in me too, which was very inappropriate. I tend to think it would have been healthier for all of us if they had split up early on, but of course I can’t know that for sure. Things can always be worse.

    My kids had to live with a lot of stress also due to my ex, and we almost split once, but we somehow hung in there until the girls were teenagers. That may have been the wrong thing to do. I just don’t know. They were relieved when we finally split because they had been so worried for my emotional well being.

    1. I can relate to most of that also, bar having my own children .. but as you will have read before my parent’s house for us as youngsters was a living war zone – l wish they had never married, okay that means no me, but it would have meant no war zone either.

      But they did marry and it simply went wrong – my parents also confided in me which was just wrong and annoying and increased my own stress expotentially from too young an age .. l was pleased when they divorced, but they still detested each other for the next thirty years, neither moved on .. which was a real shame.

      1. I tried not to confide in my kids but they knew things were bad at times especially when I’d take them “apartment hunting” on a whim. They wanted us to leave him and got mad at me for continually chickening out. But it was complicated, especially financially. Anyway, I didn’t use them as marriage counselors like my parents did to me! And now the ex won’t talk to me at all, so there’s no arguing whatsoever. Good outcome 🙂

  2. It’s never easy because for every divorced couple there are two or more who aren’t. But it has become so common that most kids know others in a similar situation. So they accept albeit reluctantly this reality of life. But my heart always breaks for these children who suffer for no fault of theirs.

  3. I think adults greatly underestimate children and their understanding of the marital dynamic. True story: Way back when, approximately 1960, I was 14, my older brother was 16, my younger brother was 7. We had a meeting, the 3 of us. The agenda was to ask our parents to get a divorce. Yes, we the children decided our parents should get a divorce. We also decided at that meeting that my younger brother and I would live with our father and my older brother would live with the mother – like to like, don’t you see. We had it all planned out – who would live where and with whom. I can’t honestly recall if we ever confronted our parents with our plan. Our parents did not divorce but my father died about 10 years later and my younger brother and I always said that he died because that was the only way he could get away from our mother.

    1. Hey – first many thanks for commenting and mnay thanks for following my blog 🙂

      Yes, l can relate all too well with that story.

      For years l begged my mother to leave my father because he was a brutal bastard of a man whose temper didn’t just stop with her , but myself also. My Sister would have quite happily lived with him and l probably with my mother. My sister never found out till late last year [not long before he died in truth], that he never wanted children, which would have played havoc with her initial wish. [She hated my mother]

      1. Opposite in my home – the mother was the physical (and emotional and psychological) abuser. She never wanted children, other than her first born son because that was her obligation, to produce a son, after that we were not wanted, not me or my younger brother or the child she aborted. Really cheerful conversation this, eh?

  4. My parents divorced when I was 3, my brother was weeks old. It was all I knew. When the ex (we’re still married actually. I’m not paying for the divorce) left, older daughter was thrilled, younger was 13 and missed her dad but not the rage monster.

    I think that kids age 4-10 years or thereabouts have the most trouble understanding. Younger ones dont really see the problems unless its VERY bad, and older understand all too well.
    I think economics can play a role in whether kids are familiar with divorce or not too. Having lived in “poor” neighborhoods and “rich” neighborhoods, I found more divorced (or just single moms) parents in the “poor” neighborhoods.

    That is really sad for that little boy. I hope he has someone in his life to better explain and support him.😢🧸

  5. I can’t speak from experience but I guess a kid will always have this question: but why? Growing he will get his own answer but as a kid especially Christmas time when everyone is together, I guess is not easy…but definitely is not easy also for the parents…

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