Series 1 – Episode 9
“I.EST Not Finding This Funny!”
“You, ‘little legs’ lift those knees higher! “Brutish 1′ as they had nicknamed him and the others hollered yet again! He seemed to spend his entire day yelling at them, they all did, like that was a sport in itself, Albert thought. But he looked at his brother and had to concede, that George did seem to have little legs and admittedly they were not as high as they should have been. But then, his legs were only marginally longer and he too was experiencing the same cramps as he had been twenty minutes earlier – so perhaps hardly surprising that George’s little legs were struggling. I mean, honestly how long can one be expected at their age to jog on the spot ‘knees high?’
All the same, he decided to strain further and lift his own legs higher just in case Brutish 1 turned his attention to him, there were only another ten minutes to go and then they could stop for ‘lunch’, or what they had become accustomed to calling ‘slurry slush sloop’ which comes with additional proteins!
Albert was starting to become obsessed with the thought of killing Eddy next time, if he ever saw him again. He had thought of a hundred different ways since the “I.E.S.T” had begun … he further wondered if this was an actual training ground for military prisioners or something? Did the S.A.S come here to be punnished in this manner? How many tourists actually had to undergo this Intensive Extreme Sports Training, or I.E.S.T as the gang of Brutish called it .. everytime they did so, they laughed!
Did Eddy actually come over and set this all up? This was their third and final day. He hadn’t really seen much of Esther or Mavis in the last couple of days. They were up at the crack of dawn at 04.30, had to endure the joys of sloop in strange wooden bowls with matching spoons and honestly he felt like he should have been back in a pram for all the nutrition he derived from it!
But they exercised from 05.00 to 21.00 with a break every four hours or so – the Brutish said it was exactly as the holiday agenda had requested. So that had to be that bastard Eddy! What on earth was he thinking? But then Albert thought back three days earlier to when the four of them had pondered over the actual agenda for the holiday itself – The Half Bucket List!
Mavis and George both had been very quiet that night when they retired to the bunks for sleep. Making matters worse was that Albert always a light sleeper had been awoken twice during the night by both his brother and his wife talking in their sleep about lard and chum .. eeewk a terrible mixture!
But Albert thought about that, l mean what really was meant by the two words in relationship especially to the selected activities? Wasn’t chum what Roy Schneider had been using to lure Jaws to the boat in that film? Was there a connection between ‘swimming with sharks and ‘chum?’ Plus who in their right minds would go near a volcano with lard – wouldn’t the two together be kind of dangerous?
That first night, Albert hadn’t really seen much of any of them, the strange thing was that he had been ‘exercising’ with George all day and yet he thinks he may have been delirious or something because he didn’t really remember looking at his brother for the entirety of the day itself? The two girls, well they were nowhere to be seen at all and according to Brutish 1, they were off on their own activities with Brutish 2!
There were five in the Brutish Clan – all built and dressed exactly the same – it was only their faces that allowed he and George to tell them apart – just – and so it just became easier to number them! 1 – 5, 5 – 1, mattered not, they were just numbers to them!
However, Albert had to also concede to the fact that he had lost considerable weight … he wasn’t heavy to begin with unlike George who could have done with losing a few pounds before this trip, and he had succeeded in the diet he never wanted to take! He looked much slimmer, they all did. He knew George was thankful for the extra cushioning he had on day one, more so because that rock climbing exercise with no ropes was very tricky and they had managed to achieve the 100 foot high climb up pretty well with only a few grazes. Sadly however, 15 feet from the bottom George slipped, cut his knee and fell on his gluteus maximus!
Albert probably would have cried as well, although he is not quite sure if he would have sobbed quite as hard as George did? But who knows, he didn’t land bum down on a pointy rock! George had injured himself that day, and Brutish 3 had come out of nowhere, hoisted George over his shoulder like a bundle of balsa and walked off into the forest with him! Only for him to return twenty minutes later with George hobbling beside him wincing.
“Are you alright George ? What happened??” He asked his brother.
George shuddered considerably before answering in a whisper …”Brutish 4 stuck a finger into my anus, on it was some kind of green sticky substance that looked like moss … Albert Brutish 4 is it a man or a woman?” George answered.
“I don’t know, why?”
“Well , they laughed and giggled as they wiggled their finger in there, and then slapped me on my bottom and then whoever they are gave me their card and signed the ‘call me’ action, blew me a kiss and sent me on my way!
“Oh, oh right .. well l am not quite sure what to say or what to advise you George, how did it feel?” Albert asked.
George looked at his brother … “Honestly?”
“Yes of course, honesty is key, as our good ol mum used to say!”
“Well l enjoyed it … not the finger and where it went mind, but whatever was on the end of the finger, as my bottom doesn’t feel so bad, although l am not entirely convinced l haven’t now got to bum holes!!”
Albert didn’t know how to respond, however he didn’t have to worry for long, as Brutish 3 rounded on them both. “Why you stopped??
The two brothers looked simply into the huge brutes face “Well …” began Albert.
“Don’t care, you climb again, we do this, till you get right, bum or no bum, you climb! Then lunch!” Brutish 3 yelled.
“I would love to see him fall on his arse!” Snarled George.
Albert thought back to that day, which was only two days ago … he remembered the next morning that George had to coax a shattered, whimpering and simpering Mavis out from under her bed … she looked terrified. The strange thing was when asked what they had been doing the previous day, the girls had gone ashen faced and nodded their heads in a unison ‘NO’ We don’t want to talk about it!!
Upon further coaxing Esther admitted that it had involved lots of dark caves filled with who knows how many creepy crawlies and she could hear Mavis screaming at the top of her lungs every five minutes!
“I have told her Albert, that she and George need to do more gardening, she would become used to seeing more spiders!!” Esther said when they two were huddled in the corner eating their sloop.
“You told her?? Esther you hate spiders as much as she does?” Albert said quizzicially.
“Yes, yes l do, but l wasn”t in with the spiders, l was 300 feet up in the air walking on a rope bridge barefoot and blindfolded!!” Esther snapped.
“Oh right, blimey, mm … did you have fun?” Albert enquired.
“Actually l did, it was scintillating – l was naked at the time .. what do you think l will need to be naked for on the holiday as an adventure then? She asked and answered with a crazy looking sneer on her face.
Albert really didn’t know, so decided to say nothing.
“YOU!!” A voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
“Yes?!!” Albert answered sharply.
“Knees higher! You need muscle in legs, l feel you will all be running a lot on your holiday! A lot …..!!” Brutish 1 laughed with pure evil in his voice.
The Grumblies – Episode 10 Coming Soon