Series 1 – Episode 8
“Still Finding Timbuktu Funny?”
“Albert, what is it?? Tell me, tell us, why have you turned so sickly looking!?” Esther demanded of her husband, who was sitting on the edge of the bunk shaking his head.
“It’s that bloody Eddy and his sense of humour, he must be living up the high life on our money somewhere exotic, whilst we four are stranded ‘somewhere in deep sodding Europe! I am tiring of saying and hearing it, we may as all well be in bloody Timbuktu, and..!” Albert stopped and looked at his brother who was chucking and chortling out loud!
“What is your problem George? What’s so funny?”
“Ha ha, Albert it’s what you said just then, it reminded me of that ol’ joke we used to laugh about!” George laughed.
“Are you going to enlighten me then to this pearled humour of yours?” Albert snarled.
“Yeah alright you know Timbuktu? I bucked one but Timbuktu – it’s the old dancing pick up line!! Ha ha, it always makes me laugh, gorta laugh, l mean look at us, stuck deep in the wilderness. You now a shade of vomit green, Esther well she’s gone and gone even whiter than my toothpaste and as for Mavis … well a runny tummy doesn’t even cover how’s she is looking, you know?”
Albert just looked at his brother, wondering if their mother had dropped him on his head when young. Curses, he thought, why me, why is it always me? I could have been at home, going down to the pub for a quiet pint in familiar surroundings eyeing up the occasional totty that hardly even ventured there, but yet, and yet and always bloody yet, he wasn’t there – he was here, with a lunatic for a brother!
“Oh yes, ho ho ho and bloody ha ha … sometimes l do wonder if we are related … why is it always me that has to be the serious one?”
“Well you could ‘try’ laughing a bit more , l mean what’s the worst that can happen to us now? I mean we could all die of course … we could be mauled by some wild beast, Mavis could disappear into the bucket there … so Alby my old bean, you gorta lighten up!”
“Lighten up, if you had just read, what l have just read, you would not be saying this!!” Albert yelled, making the Esther and Mavis jump in unison.
“Well alrighty, what’s got your knickers in such a twist then?” George asked, seeing that Albert looked as though he was going to blow a gasket!
Albert calmed down, it didn’t help to worry the others, he knew George only laughed like this when he was nervous. If Albert had to be the calm and serious one, then he best start acting like a responsible adult. They were here now, they had to deal with it … unless, they could figure a way to escape!
“It’s our holiday agenda George, all twelve weeks of it – three months of Eddy Bloody Bucket’s humour!” Albert sighed.
“Actually Albert, Eddy is quite particular about his name, he Deed Polled it you know , it’s actually pronounced more like Boooq….” Esther began, but seeing her hubby’s eyes darken, she decided to let the matter drop. She hardly ever saw him this angry, probably best to not cause even more friction.
“Well, let’s hear it then Albert, unless you are waiting for Christmas, what are the next 12 weeks of our lives filled with?” George asked his brother, sensing the major storm had passed.
“Well the next three days is classed as “Intensive Extreme Sports Training?” Albert began ….
“Mm, that sounds nice though doesn’t it though, l do like sporting activities Albert.” Esther said.
“Esther, were the words Intensive, Extreme and Training, lost on you?” Albert asked in a bewildered fashion of his obviously deranged wife. He was surrounded by absolute nutters!! “That sounds like we are being trained for some daring mission – we are supposed to be on holiday relaxing, not going all Rambo gung ho!”
“Anyway Albert, continuing along …” George prompted.
“Yes, yes of course, okay, what’ll do is just basically say it all as it is written, okay? Questions can be asked afterwards … not that l have much more information than this? How does that sound?”
“Do it, just do it!” Esther said through gritted teeth.
“Well first off we have the “Intensive Extreme Sports Training?”, this is then followed and apparently in no set order buy the following ”’ fun and exciting activities”’ … ballooning, surfing, bathing in Pepsi?” Albert stopped and reread that again to himself …. bathing in Pepsi? What’s the bloody hell is that all about??”
“Swimming with sharks with Chum? What chum, do they means chums perhaps, as in we are all doing it together? Fire eating and sword swallowing … surely not both at the same time? Pretending to be Elk in season? What on earth does that mean? Feeding the raccoons, drinking civet coffee, learning to use a buzz saw …. Albert stopped reading and looked up at the three baffled faces looking at him in utter shock and wide eyed!
Albert looked back at the agenda and started reading again ….”Close shaves with an epilator?? What the hell does that mean or for that matter this next line … It just says ‘raw kidney beans’ and soiled tapioca? You wait till l next see fricken Eddy … providing we all do that is as in EVER again see anything, l am feeling quite queasy! Fugu? why does that ring a bell, anyone, any clue to fugu? No? okay, anyway … Pamplona Plastic Bull running? Seriously?? Do you see what l mean now .. this is why l am worried. This list has been put together by someone either on a l hate human day or with a very warped sense of humour drunk on liquid prozac!
“Oh is that all of the agenda then Albert?” Asked an ashen faced George.
“No, that is just the first paragraph George!” he answered a nail biting George.
“Right, so there is more then?” George asked.
“Yes, Four Wheeling after piercings, midnight Mogwai feeding .. wasn’t there a film about that? I thought that came with a warning? Chernobyl skinning dipping … mm, that rings a bell as well, grouse hunting, snake charming, two days of imagination gone wild games, potholing, boot walking in Antarctica, mountaineering, volcano watching with lard?? Who is Lard when they are at home? Promoting SAD in the Vatican ….”
“Oh l have always wanted to go to the Vatican!” Mavis who had been deathly quiet squealed in delight!
“Really Mavis, dressed as a nun?” Albert asked.
“No, why would l do that?” Mavis ventured.
“Ask Eddy when you next see him!” Albert answered with a smirk … “Rolling coasting in the desert, Pinata gaming. Oh l see we will be attending a Slipknot concert wearing Justin Beiber t-shirts – why is that here under ‘outrageous adventure’, something here about a convention called Twi-Hard? Anyone? No, okay then … thunderstorming with electrics? Learning to Lambada with fire ants and finishing off with grizzly bear tickling??”
Albert stopped reading and looked up … “Well any questions?”
Three hands shot upwards to the roof and Albert looked at a baffled George. “I thought so, so still finding Timbuktu funny then are we?”
“Well admittedly put to me like that Albert … it does all sound a bit grim!” George whispered.
“Yes, yes it does George … l think it’s safe to say the ‘introductory package’ to the holiday is over and it’s now all scary path from here!”
“Let the adventures begin then!!” Esther squeaked trying to maintain a brave face.
The Grumblies – Episode 9 Coming Soon