A Pile of Poop!
It must be some months ago that l ‘first’ saw the nutritionist about my gut health. Originally it was supposed to be Suze and l visiting together as a couple, but with Suze falling dreadfully ill in late August and being admitted to hospital and then nearly dying with this damn sepsis the whole ‘couple’ thing was on hold.
Gut health and mind health are all linked together – and in the last couple of months l have been out of sync of sorts ‘healthwise’. I have serious brain fog at times and the so called ‘candida ‘ l am diagnosed with is playing up something bad. I am not sure as l have said before if it is candida, but it probably is – but l don’t think that is the only problem going on … l have a distinct problem from the time l start to swallow food and the digestion process begins.
I have been suffering at times chronically from upper intestinal bloat and this is very painful. This means that as soon as the food leaves my throat or the esophagus and begins its journey and hits my stomach there is an obstacle at that junction – between the two and if not there it starts in the stomach and then worsens by the time it is progressing into the duodenum – but l am no doctor, l am just the person who has had this problem like this at it stands now since 2011. So 8 years of this particular discomfort.
I don’t take any chemical medications anymore for anything, l am done with them and now l take a simple herbal medication that is reputedly good for directly attacking candida in the intestine – l am not sure what the overall issue is, l strongly think it might be still connected with a yeast overgrowth problem though, whether that is proven to be candida, well time will tell on that and the tests.
I had a blood test performed a good six weeks ago and that identified several foods that l needed to stop ingesting for either a temporary measure or literally forever as they were and do cause me serious problems.
I am on such a restricted diet normally that l looked at this new list and thought ‘bugger’, my diet has just got more exciting! But fact of the matter is this … if l knowingly consume these foods l am creating stomach upset and weighing up the pros and cons, well personally, l would rather have no pain. It’s not rocket science and it’s a no brainer.
The nutritionist advised that l should get the online testing done or rather order online the physical tests from the labratories in comparison to getting the local surgery to carry them out. More directly the surgery would not order these tests anyway, so online labs is the only way to go. I have exhausted all the avenues that the NHS can offer, private, public and they all agree there is something there – but they don’t know what. So then l sought alternative answers and they provided further insight and then finally here l am on alternative professional services – the outsourcing departments of the NHS but under private management and costing.
She [nutritionist] advised me to get the blood test done, which l did and learned as said that another 11 food types were to be taken out of the system but it did award me with a new listing of 33 foods that were acceptable which was 5 foods previously said to be bad for me, are now seen as okay for my system to handle! Woot, woot!
However, the blood test was the easiest test to perform, the poop test not so much! That one is a three day event using 6 vials all to be filled with your poop! Oh l know, lovely right? However, where it gets difficult or more difficult is that the lab is not open on the weekend and you are not allowed to refrigerate your stool for longer than three days and to make matters even more complicated there are a whole list of regulative guidelines on how they want the test carried out!
It looks and feels at times as if l am trying to make a baby, or self impregnate because everything has to be just right and whereas poop is poop, if like me you don’t have regularity hence you seeing a nutritionist in the first place because of bloody irregularities – finding the right time to poop is awkward considering the time windows. You either start your testing on a Friday – Sunday, or any other combination of three consecutive days , so that you can call in the carrier and they collect and they are not allowed to deliver after a certain time on Friday….
But sometimes three consecutive days with a problematic bowel and regulative guidelines from a lab, well they do not often coincide – l would have more luck hunting down werewolves and full moons!
Then you have the annoying things with the tests themselves and the piddly vials they offer, with impossible poop spoons and odd shaped poop collectors. If you don’t have great balance and you are squatting and trying to deftly position a cardboard pooper scooper under your butt makes for fun times in the toilet.
After which it starts to resemble a meth lab with all your vials, poop, scoops, spoons, bags, mixing jars and wow don’t forget and make damn sure you have got the right weights!
So once all this magic is done, and you send off the packages on the overnight couriers you then have to wait up to three weeks before they have your answers. Each full poop test is £380 including transport….. bargain!!
Only for a week later, to get a message from the nutritionist saying that one of your poops is underweight and they need you to perform vial 6 again please. Vial 6 l think, the orange one, the hardest one, the vial that requires total dainty balance – the tempermental one that needs impeccable mixing skills – that one was underweight?? Why couldn’t it be the purple or the green one?? Why the orange one and oh yes, “Don’t forget Mr Matier ‘Plenty of poop please and remember the regulative guidelines on weight, time, time of day and direction of wind please!”
“Yeah sure, no fucking problem, looking forward to it!!”
So today, l am now finally awaiting the departure of the orange vial on the overnight transporter, fearing that tomorrow is Friday — oh no, will my poop get there safe and sound? Will it be okay?? Because strangely enough, that bloody vial that has cost me a further £80 including transport is REALLY the only one l care about, as that is going to verify whether l truly have candida or not.
However additionally, l got the results from the first batch of poop sent off three weeks ago from the lab via the ‘nutritionist’…. and it makes no sense whatsoever – none, l need to understand quantum physics to read this report – so why it was sent to me is beyond me? Out of courtesy apparently and yet when l raised this confusion with the £90 a time nutritionist and said “Many thanks for this, however to be brutally honest – it makes no sense to me whatsoever – a breakdown of what l am looking at would have been more helpful.”
She responded with “Hi Rory, I appreciate the test result is challenging to understand. The purpose of your followup consultation will be to discuss / make clear the test results in the context of your clinical picture. I trust this sounds sensible?”
I haven’t responded, pointless responding with more fuckwittery in truth … my philosophy is this, having spent then nearly £400 on a test therefore it is something l paid for, then l do expect to have a report sent to me that an astronaut doesn’t need to be present to translate for me!
But hey, that’s just me l guess, now l have to wait three more weeks to not only find out what the orange test results are, but to understand the first test results, because the nutritionist can’t be fucking arsed to say if the results are good or bad?