Series 1 – Episode 7
“Just Trees Here, No Embassy”
The four awoke to feeling seriously grizzled, each in turn had experienced a rough night alone on their basic straw beds nevermind the traumas they had tackled as a group!! Half a dozen times they had woken up to strange scratchings at the door and at the side of the house on the walls and something at 3.13am was most assuredly trying to squirm its way down the chimney!
None of this was helped by Mavis running around the cabin flailing her arms whilst squealing ‘This is the evil dead’ all over again!!”
Despite not drinking a great deal the previous day they all needed to get up and down several times during the night to wee and pee into the one already putridly smelling bucket in the corner of the building!
Then when all seemed quiet, at 5.51am the front door already ricketty, started shaking in its frame and there was some kind of monstrous maniacal laughing on the other side??! Just when they thought the door was about to give and each one was pretty damn sure their hearts had stopped, the shaking stopped and in walked this brute of a man … oh wait a moment, Albert realised his mistake, it was a woman, not a man! She was covered in fur and animal skins and had a seriously dirty dirty face!?
She was carrying some kind of luncheon pail the size of a mini cooker and a large bottle of clear liquid. The ‘guide’ if that was the right word, spoke deep and gruffly …
“Morning l am your tour guide, Madam Elgoloski – you can call me Madam for short. This is your breakfast, it is speciality here ‘deep European’ speciality – eat, build strength – for today your holiday starts, but first ve need to train you! It is a mixture of famous dishes from around Europe, l make it myself and mix them all together for extra strength and vitality! You have the lungs of a cow, the tongue of an ox, liver paste, lots of blood …pudding, pigs blood, hearts chopped and tripe – smells terrible, but eats good! Bulls testicles and pig farts and fats! I mix it with vhole vegetables … It’s good, you like … eat alll, be strong! I call it ‘Froupalottashlokka Mix!!”
“This wodka, is good, hot, strong, make you strong, make you vee harder, faster and quicker. It burns everything vay in and vay out! Do you understand?” Madam asked and before any of the shocked four could answer she produced a thick envelope from somewhere within her fashioned skinned attire and thrust it into the hand of the startled Mavis! “Here, read. Bucket List Agenda – Mr Eddy says you must sign waver for the ‘events’
The four just looked at Egoloski before Albert asked “Waver? what do you mean waver?”
“If you die, if you the training kills you, or something else kills you … dead as in no more living, you understand?? Breathing gone!”
Mavis stared at the envelope in terror and squealed “I demand to see someone in the Embassy and l need to speak to someone. I have a wobbly tummy and this ‘throw up a lotta mix, really doesn’t sound healthy!! Nor, may l add does dying sound healthy for a holiday! I am here to relax, l am 72, George is 79!! Don’t you know these things? This is supposed to be a holiday where we relax, do ‘things’, relax some more, not die in our beds, and a bucket is NOT a proper facility for toiletting and where is the bathroom, l need a shower … l feel icky!!”
Esther, George and Albert stared at Mavis and Madam, and Madam and Mavis awaiting the response…
Madam looked at Mavis with curiousness and then laughed a deep bellowing laugh, and through her laughing face, she smiled at Mavis before saying ..” You are funny!! Mr Eddy said you vere all funny, you like joking, you like laughter, you like funny … l can do funny here too, my husband can do funny too, our children, cousins and all family can do funny. Embassy you say?? We have no embassy, we have trees, this is training holiday camp, you want embassy, use trees make embassy!”
Madam looked out the window and pointed “Look out window, what do you see? No, l tell you … tree, trees and more trees, trees, tree, oh look another tree, ooher over there another tree, hahahaha, trees, just trees here, no embassy. Stop being baby, now eat, drink and …. read!”
With that Madam Elgoloski, turned on her heel and thumped her way out of the cabin like a disgruntled elephant.
“Oh Albert, l think l may owe you an apology, but either this is a huge Eddy joke, or we are in a spot of bother?” Esther spoke for the first time.
Albert looked at her, baffled as to how ‘only now ‘ did his lovely wife potentially see that there might be a problem here, took his time before answering … “Mm, oh l don’t know Esther – what’s not to love? Country air, who knows what country, but country air all the same, at one with nature – so many trees to not be, and there is wildlife here, bears for sure! Organic living, environmental holidaying, puke your own food menu, plenty of drink, good humour, knowledgeable staff and to boot … a fixed exercise regime! What’s not too love darling?”
Before Esther could answer, there was the sound of a cat behind them trying to cough up a furball, only to discover that it was Mavis who had opened up the huge cooker pail with their ‘breakfast in’. She was green and slowing turning a kind of purply red as she crumpled towards the floor spluttering, she appeared to be fighting for her breath, looking for George, Albert spotted him with a huge wooden spoon and sampling the ‘mixture’. “It smells really bad Alby, but it tastes alright – different although l can see the vegetarians in the group having a problem … but if you wipe some of the blood off the turnips or the carrots you can probably eat those!”
“George your wife is choking!!” Esther screamed rushing over to her friend.
“No, noooo, no she’s not, that’s not her choking noise … her choking is more like a dying gurgle, that noise is more like the ‘l can’t believe it’s not butter’ gurgle! She’ll be fine, but her touchy stomach might have a couple of problems with breakfast admittedly.
So in the end all four of them, sat on the wooden floor and looked through the mish mash that was their breakfast… the vodka they came to the conlusion was quite possibly the only friend the vegetarian really had and Mavis and Esther not full on vegetarians but more that than meat eaters swigged the 100% proof white spirit. George, sickeningly rather liked the mixture and was happily gobbling and grunting away in a corner by himself ladling huge quantities of his portion into his face!
Albert, well he took out a couple of the vegetables and a couple of pieces of red something that didn’t seem to still be breathing and started to read the contents of the envelope.
“Oh MY …. no, no, no – oh my, oh no, what?? Seriously, you have got to be kidding me, no way!!!”
The others all stopped what they were doing and looked at Albert who had suddenly turned white … “What is it Albert? What have you just read?” Croaked Esther.
The Grumblies – Episode 8 Coming Soon