Sometime this afternoon, maybe tomorrow – next year!
I am tiring of this rain, we have had a couple of ‘sunny days’ but not much – Suze can’t remember this time last year, l can and l tell her, that we had a different Autumn/Winter approach this time last year .. it was milder and drier – way drier! She can’t recall that … but then when you suffer from SAD, some months are just bad anyway – for Suze it is November and February so in truth, it pretty much doesn’t matter what the weather is like – when it’s all miserable anyway. I don’t have SAD, but l can relate – it’s grey, wet, cold and miserable.
I am not miserable and l am not depressed but l have been out of sync for the last few days, my mojo has been more lowjo and less upjo that true mojo it has to be said! When l get like this, pretty much like many others l try to identify where the ‘JO’ has gone to. After some serious thinking – the answer is easily delivered … l don’t know!
Hardly mojo an answer is it? But it’s the truth – l am just feeling down … why? I am determined to try and write it out here today and then get myself back on track and right out of this quagmire.
1] I am suffering with sleep problems again – l have tried to get to bed at midnight – but midnight and me are simply not mixing … and yet! I am really seriously tired, not just because l am going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7am but way tireder than that … that might be this bloody awful weather though.
2] Today is officially the 16 week no smoking barrier – wow – that’s impressive l think – so four months ago l gave up – yay me! I am still vaping and so missed my initial target of quitting vaping by October – but at least l am not smoking tobacco. So it’s not some kind of nicotine withdrawl that Suze thinks might be making me down – l don’t miss smoking – which is why l gave up … because l smoked out of habit and not out of desire. But l am not depressed because l missed my October target either.
3] The weather admittedly is a factor to be included – as we have had a lot of rain, and there are things l want to do in the garden now that l have my strength returning … but also because there is so much to do in the garden still, and not just start the compost process, but more important tasks at hand.
a] Like getting the shed decluttered – – thankfully it doesn’t leak – but we have so much clutter in there and we need to sort that out and identify what we want and what we don’t need and make it tidier and easier to navigate – we have stuff that needs to move into that shed and currently it’s cluttering the conservatory.
b] The greenhouse needs sorting out and cleaning up, it’s very green on the glass with the algae and the internal layout needs addressing.
c] Ava the Avocado needs sorting – probably not the biggest concern, but her situation is not getting any better … but it’s still a niggle in my mind.
d] Sorting out the water butt system in the garden – strangely we need it to not be raining to sort out the watering.
e] Starting the composting in the new system …ok, ok that’s just me being like a school kid and wanting to get it down NOW, but it’s still a niggle going on in my head. I have both old compost system and new compost system sitting side by side, l can’t have all the new system in situ until l have emptied the old system…. it’s not a biggie, but it is still a thang! It’s my thang and it’s going on in my head, so it’s most assuredly a thang!
f] More thang stuff – l guess l am just super excited about some of the thangs l have planned in for the new 2019/20 composting/growing/gardening/season planning and this is causing me to be a little out of sync.
4] In June, Suze and l were told that Scrappy might only have a a month left of life, you may recall me discussing this before in the Dear Blog series … it was a very trying and upsetting time. Then we had the all the malarkey about the walking, the athritis, the anal cancer and of course the K9 Dememntia. When you experience this kind of problem with a family member – and Scrappy is still a very loved member of this family – you go through a lot of emotions … we started to grieve her back in july/August time and she wasn’t gone … but here we are in November – her 16th Birthday is on the 30th November – and not jinxing anything here, l actually think she will be around to see that arrive and celebrate and Christmas and quite possibly New year!
Don’t misunderstand me it’s brilliant news – but there will only be a few readers here, that can understand the stress of having a ‘dying loved companion’ in the house with dementia because that also brings in a host of serious stress by itself – you are constantly living on a knife edge.
In herself – Scrappy is fine as l have said countless times, she is the only one that didn’t get the memo regarding her health – in her world she is just a bit slower, a bit more clumsy and a bit more sleepy. In our world, in order for us to make Scrappy’s world more pleasant we have to be on double guard and this can be quite taxing. You are constantly trying to work out the needs of a dog that is a] a fraction of her former affectionate self, b] a very messy eater/drinker now – this is a form of orientation with regards K9 dememntia, in so far as they forget certain things – like eating and drinking tidily as well as walking in a straight line – so sometimes through no purpose of her own – she walks through the water bowl.
Her pacing at night times is constant for about 2 hours, but thankfully she now takes herself off to bed for a few hours and then starts to pace, this is better than when it used to be all night starting from 6pm – 11pm, now it is only 8pm – 10pm.
But we know she is not in pain, she is eating like a horse, her anal cancer is not causing her distress yet, she sleeps well, she hasn’t started soiling herself and there is no change to her stool that suggests problems, and she is still eager to walk and so her quality for life is still what they class as a 10 – so Suze and l cater to her needs – but it is like at times living on the edge of a razor blade – you become fearful of her every little fall [because of the arthritis] or stumble and so on … but she is a dog and if she wants a mad five minutes we can’t stop her not at all – it shows she is still with us and happy to do crazy dog things.
But it is a stressful way of life at present.
5] I keep thinking l am going to delete my blog – l know l am not – but l am thinking this way because l am also out of sync with me. I am changing/evolving again and my blog is changing with me and so l have come to recognise THIS is why l think of deleting my blog. It’s not me wanting to commit blogocide more a case of ‘mental suicide’ for me as l change my former self. I have been slowly changing the face of the blog over the last few months – Lisa has helped me enormously with the physical changes, and the last section of that will be published this month – signalling the completion of the ‘Branding’ operation for the blog itself.
But it is also me personally changing – as l seek control of ‘balance’ l am losing the magical synchronicity l had with my blog – but it’s not gone as in gone, gone and finally gone, it is transforming into something newer – more exciting, more personally and structually challenging and this is throwing me out of whack and why?
Well that leads up to the 6th Reason of ‘loss of sync’ and that is as you know, do know, should know, might know or whatever – l am in the process of taking studying for a few things – personal development as well as professional development. The former is on hold whilst l battle the current conflicts l am experiencing – no need to completely overwhelm me! Whilst the latter is the one l am trying to fit into my life – my personal life – which is why l had to change the routinalisation of my blog … l needed more balance and required to achieve a harmonising equilibrium of my inner core again.
So things needed to change and l have been working to achieve those changes so that by January 2020, l am able to start with clear conscience that l am orderly… but of course not everything works in that order of method and clear cut strategy, mostly because life is a tricksie sod that always has other plans!
For the most part l am in line with my planned changes – and as far as the blog is concerned .. l am fine with that … with regards the business aspect – in my case training and learning to become an Amazon seller – that is taking its toll, and as a result rather shamefacedly l admit to procrastinating quite a bit.
It’s because the information to learn and absorb and put into practice with the whole process is incredibly overwhelming! There is just so much data to absorb and as a new seller to that world – it’s a huge undertaking – never mind the constant pressure of applying ‘risk’ and ‘purchase risk’ and so on. There’s more to it than meets the eye to that of potential buyers.
I have plans to to start a series next year outlining my journey with Suze to become sellers in Amazon. So there might be others whom are interested in our discoveries with online selling. The series will be called ‘Deep in the Amazon – A Seller’s Journey!’ and it will be password only because there will be details that not all readers need to see or even be remotely interested in … but l hope it might help other potential sellers.
But the information to this studying is seriously, seriously overwhelming and of all the reasons l have listed here today of distraction l think it comes down to three main ones – Scrappy and the stress associated with her and achieving balance and attaining a harmonised equilibrium between my professional training and studying and my personal blogging and writing – not to be confused with it all happening in/on one blog but the personal approach to being able to evenly distribute my time appropriately between two large requirements.
I feel better for writing it down, now l need to just sort it where l can, but if l say that by January 1st 2020 l will be properly ready – that is making this problem resolved and more workable – that’s a target of achievement .. no more, ‘Sometime this afternoon, maybe tomorrow – next year!’ for me … just do it!