Lost In Post


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You will recall, how l have said repeatedly that l am somewhat clumsy?

What follows is sadly a true story!

I was tasked with ensuring that a friend of mine had a unforgettable ‘stag do’, a farewell party and l was chosen for my wicked sense of humour! I should have known that if anything untoward was to happen, it could ONLY happen to me!

Lost In Post

Ordered did l a ‘Special package’ from ‘Erotica
“It’s a gift not for me, no not at all,
I explained to the sniggering postal worker!
But it’s quite late now, we are deep into the fall!
“Should have been with me end of summer,
“You see …
“Not being here, it’s a bit of a bummer,
“For my friend not me!”

‘I see Sir, of course, feeling a bit naughty were we?’
Sly man asks with a damning sneer,
It’s for a Stag Do in a couple of weeks actually!’
‘Oh dear, and it is now lost in post, how queer!’
‘Yes, look is there something l need to complete?’
‘Complete Sir as in ‘mebbe fill in?’
Typical, postal worker thinks this is sweet!
‘Form there is Sir’ Answers Sly grin!

Bloody hellfire, why always me?
Ordered on the Internet and it goes astray,
Crap! And of all the things it could be!
Damn you George, and your bloody stag day!
Oh no, it could not have been a pub crawl!
We had to go the whole bloody hog!
Everyone wanted a complete sprawl!
To say goodbye to George Mad Dog!

‘Right Sir, just give me a few details’
Mm, thinks l perhaps it is not so bad,
‘So that we can check lost mails’
Name, address, telephone numbers, jotted down on pad,
‘And now Sir, what are the contents please?’
My heart stops cold at that!
‘Oh blimey!’
‘Look um, is that not enough to start at?’

‘Not at all Sir, perhaps the ‘package’ has been ripped’,
AS IN OPEN?’ I stammer,
‘Indeed Sir, happens when shipped,
Thoughts like this striking me like a hammer!
‘Well as l said, it’s not for me’
‘Stag Do, you know what l mean ..’
‘You see ….’
‘Mm, l see Sir, perhaps Erotic Cuisine?’

Damn it, l am sweating like a pig!
Stars above, what am l to do,
Starting to dance a very odd jig!
To have lost an order so horrendously blue!
Waiting Sir, what is it that you have lost?’
‘Erm, well a few things in truth
My legs start to cross,
YES Sir?; Smiles the postal sleuth!

Aah a few table ornaments and things’
‘More details please Sir’
Glitter Stix and anal wands and M-16 Power Rings!
‘A few lotions and potions and rubber!’
‘Erm, plugs and pumps, and a few outfits!’
Mm, quite the loss then Sir, for your little party eh?’
‘Rubber Sir, rubber what?’ and is that it?
Ready to mentally collapse am l, mind has just done a pirouette!

Well it was to be a joke you see’
Not my idea, l am just the chump’
‘That was to get it all ready!’
Do l look like l need a bloody pump?’
‘Rubber what Sir, was the question’
‘Dolly’ Answer l simply,
A dolly Sir? Is that what you are suggesting?’
Yes indeed’ [Phewee!]

Oh right l see Sir, a blow up dolly?’
‘Yes that’s right…’
‘Very fun night planned then Sir, jolly?’
‘That’s correct, quite the night!’
‘Gosh, think we have that here’
Out comes a ripped parcel from somewhere deep’
Splendid’ I cheer,
Oh yes , and here is the rubber Sir …

© Rory Matier 2010


Guy or Bloke, Your Choice


20 thoughts on “Lost In Post

  1. Oh, man. Inflatable sheep. We had one of those at an old workplace. The fecking thing would magically appear everywhere. Kitchen cupboard. Tops of pallets. Delivery trucks cab. Toilet cubicles. Never stopped surprising anyone either.

  2. Dont know how I missed this when it was posted before… all I can say is Of Course it got damaged in shipping. The postal workers were probably having fun with that “torn” package. And a sheep?? Good golly🤦‍♀️ very naughty, very baaaaaaad😜

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