Get Out Of My Room!!!

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Get Out Of My Room!!!

I was originally going to write this introduction up as  ‘published by the lovely Julie de Rohan’ – however that isn’t acceptable in today’s world as it could well cross a personal  boundary’… l don’t have Julie’s permission to introduce her that way and it might cause her upset or offence!

Whilst reading this afternoon, l came across an interesting post written and published by Julie de Rohan titled ... Food for Thought: Waking Up to Our Boundaries and in the post was a line that l found very interesting and intriguing as well, and this made me think very deeply indeed….

Boundaries make it safe for us to engage with others, without compromising our independence. They separate us from each other, while at the same time allowing us to be close. Rather than a barrier to relationship, boundaries give us the means to connect authentically.

But what if we don’t know where they are?

If our personal boundaries aren’t respected in childhood, we struggle to find them in adulthood.

Julie de Rohan

This did make me think a lot – it is very true – that if our boundaries are NOT respected in childhood we do struggle to find them as we age .. in fact l had no true sense of personal boundaries for me until well in my forties – although l understood the lines of boundaries for others for the better part … but not with me.

I suppose that’s the problem with being manipulated for most of your life and to a certain extent being a people pleaser [a topic we shall discuss at a later date] I only truly understood limits and boundaries with my Asperger’s diagnosis. A lot of people on the spectrum have great difficulties with boundaries – l say l respected people’s boundaries but things are very different these days as l explained in the introductory to the introduction

I grew up with most assuredly two narcissists, my father who respected no one’s boundaries what so ever not just at home but all the way through his entire life and my mother whilst not specifically a hard line narcissist, she too respected no one’s space or private time and even as l aged in the family with my parents the only time l became vaguely away aware of boundaries to do with me was when l left home …

But Julie’s post did make me think about children of today versus children of yesterday and is there a recognised difference in the term boundaries? 

I couldn’t scream at my parents to get out of my room when young, it mattered not if l had a “do not disturb’ sign on my door and trust me l did, because it was simply a case of them walking in all the time – my time was never my time, it was always their time … of course l could yell at my sister and she me, but our parents never knocked, never called through doors, they simply walked in – they paid for the house [or he did], therefore our space, was his space, our time was his time …

Did you have personal boundaries as a child?

Do you struggle with boundaries now as an adult?

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Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.

Brene Brown

13 thoughts on “Get Out Of My Room!!!

  1. I think many people can relate to your experience, Rory, so thank you for sharing it. Growing up with narcissistic parents is so challenging – their lack of empathy and sense of entitlement means they don’t respect or understand their children’s boundaries or emotional needs. As you well know, this is tremendously damaging to children. As you say, it takes leaving home to begin to find your own boundaries, and it can be a lifelong process. Many thanks for linking to my post, I’m glad it made you think!

  2. My parents weren’t like that (they would knock), but I definitely suffered from boundary issues with them which caused me problems in my romantic relationships later on. I was an only child and very smart; for whatever reason, my parents decided that it was cool to confide their marital problems to me. THEY had no boundaries! My mother didn’t think it was off-limits to cry to 10-year-old me about Dad’s affair. My dad didn’t think anything was wrong with telling teenager me that Mom wasn’t sexually adventurous enough. My God! Who wants to hear this? And it wasn’t just once. They’d go on and on and expect feedback. These were good parents. They took good care of me. But this was a problem and they didn’t see it.

    It’s really hard to shield your children from marital discord. And you shouldn’t lie to kids and suddenly spring a divorce on them. That’s wrong too. There has to be a balance. I didn’t handle my marital breakup perfectly in front of my kids, but I know I did better than my parents, and indeed my girls are both in happy healthy relationships now. I haven’t been able to manage one.

    Not totally blaming my parents for that. Obviously i have most of the responsibility for my decisions. But the boundary issues are undeniably a factor. They always come up.

    1. Oh indeed Paula, so can relate to those terrible conversations with parents. I knew from my mother before l was 10 how bad my father was in the sack equally as much from my father how useless my mother was with regards his own needs and the lists and complaints went on and on.

      Divorce was handled very badly indeed, and one of the main reasons my sister hates my mother so much is the way mum handled her during the divorce times … neither understood boundaries then, during or and even long after.

  3. My bio-father left before I was three. My mother dated, had boyfriends… no time to be a parent. I was pretty much left on my own, except when I was in charge of my younger brother. Any boundaries I may have had were seriously shattered when I was molested by a neighbor around age 8.

    My ex was/is an alcoholic with serious narcissistic tendencies. Full NPD? Cant say for sure, but excellent at gaslighting and making everything MY fault.

    Now, I have boundaries. I had some counseling but mostly figured things out myself through my pain journey and recovering from the ex.

    People deserve privacy. Closed doors should be knocked on or called through regardless of age IMO.

  4. We didn’t even have a door on our room at one stage! To fit three beds in the room, Dad had to take the door of it’s hinges and instead we had a curtain!

    Too many people in one small house.

    I don’t remember being overly worried about privacy/boundaries etc when I was at home. I think we were all dignified. There was always a sense of family, security.

    My sister Mandy wanted her own room as soon as one of my older siblings moved out. She was furious if any of us entered without permission. I didn’t get it. For years we had been sharing clothes. But now she was saving up her pocket money and buying nice clothes and she would be absolutely fuming if I borrowed something without asking. I did not understand the problem at the time, Dad had to to buy Mandy a padlock to resolve the issue!

    I understand now…but didn’t as a child.

    Being from such a big family has made it easy for me to share with flatmates. Flatmates became like family. We ended up washing each other;s dishes and clearing up after each other. We have handled each other’s laundry etc so we could use the machine machine. We have all borrowed milk or tea-bags or other kitchen things.
    It was just bedrooms that were a no-go area. Especially for the married couples I have shared accommodation with.

    1. Interesting answers Mel – l know from those that l know that do come from large families many of the behaviours you have described are present and it only changes when the ageing process takes certain hold . But very interesting indeed – thanks for ansering 🙂

  5. There was no such thing as boundaries when I was growing up, my parents would just walk into are rooms at anytime and my mother would go throw my stuff and take my money all the time and would say ” your my child anything you have belongs to me anyway ” , I didn’t and still don’t really look at it as boundaries but respect for some one else.
    What I think of as boundaries is my personal body space I can’t stand people getting to close to me it eratates the hell out of me and I will snap at people for doing so and not nicely eather.


    1. Hey Dawn, no boundaries at all for you wha so ever sadly when younger.
      So personal body space invasion, what’s your personal space? I know that some cultures like say Columbians and many South Americans are in very close quarters to each other when they speak … for me, a safe distance is about three feet, any closer than that and they are either partners or … well who knows but they best back off 🙂

      1. Ya about three feet arm’s length or I start getting eche and will blow my top, I gust can not stand people being close to me I don’t know why I gust can’t stand it.
        Nop the only alone time I could get was to go hide out in the woods, my mother was very intrusive and would even listen in on my phone conversations.

        BY FOR NOW

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