Armadillos Bathtime

Armadillos Bathtime

Now it is relatively safe to say,
I love animals, l really genuinely do,
And most of the time, we get along fine, usually,
But, there have been moments this is true,

When my clumsy interactions with the species,
Of the kingdoms have come to more than blows,
With the winners being the beasties,
And me bitten and bruised from my nose to my toes!

I am never quite sure why l always end up at a loss,
Perhaps it is because l am way too soft,
And believe in reasoning instead of getting cross,
Either way, makes no odds, l still get doffed!

When l was a wee lad in the Australian outback,
Collecting squirmies and wrigglies was my thing,
So l thought nothing of caterpillars or the red backs,
And l tried to tell Mama, all l was doing was bonding,

But she panicked and kicked up one hell of a fuss,
Demanded that l release them before l get bitten,
“Caterpillars don’t bite none Mama, nor cause offence”
But that was pointless and didn’t stop her beating!

Malaysia saw me experimenting with huge Butterflies,
The most magnificently colourful insect’s one could ever see,
From small little gems to beauties dinner plate size,
Yet even these fluttering creatures brought disaster to me,

One day whilst following one hell of a brute,
I slipped down a hole that led out to the sea,
Kind of strange behaviour thought l from one so cute,
But l remembers nothing except waking up with the Guppies!

Swimming in the monny drain was also a big no!
In my Mamas eyes,
But there were frogs, fish and other things you know?
Admittedly the cobra that one-day was a surprise!

Now apart from the usual accidents that can befall us all,
Growing up with animals can indeed be a trying time,
Humping rabbits biting and the guinea pigs that can maul,
I am sure was just simple out of hand playtime!

Things started to take a downward turn for me l think,
When that damned squirrel attacked me that day,
I mean hell all l did was smile and blink,
Thinking that little cutesy wanted to play!

However, l was mortally wrong about his intentions,
For he was just pure evil if l say so myself,
The way he ran up my arm like a beast of the legion,
And used my shoulder for his attacking shelf!

It was nasty, is what it was, real terror,
To attempt to pull off my ear lobe, l assure you is no joke,
And NO, it was no accidental error,
He was there to victimise this bloke!

I swear down that it was that incident, which made me a jinx,
As all animals after that saw me as their bitch,
To toy with, annoy and feed their fetished kinks!
Making my life one hell of a bloodied mess with well over 100 stitch!

Innocently l was eighteen when that happened that May Day,
That beastly squirrel psychologically impaired me,
Making me a walking target for any animal set on aggressive play,
And set me up for a lifetime of accidental brutality!

I had to find something to do, to rid me of this fault,
A profession that would allow me to tackle this voodoo,
And put an end to the constant assault,
Something, maybe like Dr Doolittle too!

So l became an exotic livestock consultant,
That way l had an incredible array of species at my fingertips
To sell to respectable private clients,
And by doing this l tried to get to grips,

With this ‘jinx’ that had attached itself to my very soul,
But alas, l learned that some curses are meant to stay,
For no matter how hard l tried, l always lost control,
And would end up with another damning bruise or injury that day!

So we will not dwell on the countless dog bites,
Cat scratches and friendly camel kicks,
Or on the ‘being chased by cows’ night,
Or the monkeys’ embarrassing sexual flick!

Nor on the ‘being loved by the amorous tiger’ that day,
Or of the armadillos in my bath,
Not even the time when the crocodile had its say,
And try to forget will l, the day the viscous Raccoons had their laughs!

The day the reptiles made my life queasy,
My mottled and blistered skin crawled literally for hours,
And by the way, who ever said small dogs were easy,
Never met those damned ferocious Chihuahuas!

When an elephant decides it wants to sit on you,
No matter what you say or tell it not to do,
It just looked at me lovingly playful like, before it made me totally flat!

Don’t let me start on snakes or any of the pythons or boas!
For they just give me the heebie jeebies and the willies,
But nothing compared to the downright nastiness of Kookaburras!
Who hampered me all day making me look silly!

It mattered not, pretty soon, the entire Kingdom saw me as a laugh,
So l retired and went far away into the backwaters,
Without having to worry about, lions, tigers or giraffes!
And now just live with my two dogs as a bachelor,

However, I am working with horses these days,
And they are really kind of fun,
But clumsy antics with the species will be with me always,
After all l am only me, not Ace Ventura or Steve bloody Irwin!

© Rory Matier 2010


Don’t be fooled, there is no such thing as a cute squirrel!


23 thoughts on “Armadillos Bathtime

  1. It appears you’ve had some awesome animal adventures 😆
    My younger daughter was a HUGE fan of Steve Irwin and still misses him. Now she’s crazy about Coyote Peterson🐾

  2. This poem makes a great case for not buying exotic pets! Not to mention the impact of the pet trade on wild animal populations.

    I’d also be careful with horses if I were you! Few creatures make me more anxious than horses do. Rather unpredictable, they seem to be.

    It’s also fascinating that you bring up Steve Irwin. I loved him as a child, although I hardly ever had access to his shows. But I’ve been reading a lot about wildlife television lately, and it’s amazing how strongly derided he is by professional academics. Of course, the whole point of academia seems to be to hate everyone whom the general public likes – and the pettier the reasons the better! I’m still of the opinion that Steve Irwin did far more good than harm, even if social scientists don’t like the fact that he was energetic and masculine.

    1. I worked with horses for a good few years nad have quite a few funny tales connected with them.

      Yes, Steve did more good for the industry than bad, but media loves to build personalities up and then crash them down again.

      1. Please don’t tell me any of those stories, you’ll make me even more afraid of horses than I already am!

        It’s not just the media that hated Steve: I’ve read papers written by natural scientists who criticized him quite heavily for popularizing science for the masses. Then there are the social scientists and humanities scholars who detested his exuberant presentation style and bravado. I don’t agree with everything Steve Irwin did, but our world would have been far more dull without him.

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