Dear Blog – Baby Stepping Life Again

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“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”

Roy T. Bennett,

Baby Stepping Life Again

My mother recently said to me “You are showing your vulnerability! You’ll never become this ‘life coach’ if people see that you are vulnerable!’

My mother and l have differing views with regards vulnerability – l see it as a strength if handled correctly, she sees it as a completely and utterly shameful weakness … she’s not alone many people think that way.

My philosophy has always been if you are vulnerable then own it, it’s yours get through it! Allow it to make you tougher! Vulnerability is another part of your life, your personality.

This last month, l have seriously struggled with positivity, but in the last couple of weeks especially l have felt my levels of optimism drop significantly. I was in exceedingly high spirits as little back ago as the 20th August. But a lot of life has passed between that date and the current date!

My optimism was very high, all l was really having to deal with at that point was the K9 cognitive Impairment from Scrappy which was enough to drive you crazy but manageable, and Suze had a nasty cough that she seemingly wasn’t getting better from. Suze was off work at that point. She had returned from two weeks in Australia visiting family on the 13th July and was rather poorly with a cough which just didn’t get better and by the 27th August Suze was really unwell. So unwell, that she was admitted into Margate hospital and was there till the 6th September.

So maybe l am being somewhat hard on myself for being pissed off that my positive levels dropped. With Suze in hospital, Scrappy’s impairment got worse and her regular nightly pacing just intensified. So l had the stress of my partner in hospital seriosuly ill and my dog at home seriously stressed. I was just prior to Suze being put into hospital still in somewhat high spirits.

Of course, Suze didn’t enjoy being in hospital, l mean who does like being in hospital anyway, no one. But at least l thought she was being looked after. Finally it might mean that having returned to the UK and having been ill from the 13th July to 27th August  – perhaps we were going to get some answers? That didn’t go as planned, and whilst the hospital brought her fever down and cleared up the sepsis and discharged her on the 6th September as in ‘good condition’, Suze wasn’t getting better, but equally didn’t prove to be a good patient at home either which further increased my stress levels as well as became a constant disturbance to my normally quiet day.

Suze was constantly bored and didn’t like being told when to relax and so instead of getting better Suze got gradually worse and on top of that caught a cold/cough which on her already weakened immune system – floored her, to the point that only on the 16th was she back in hospital thinking she would be forced to stay in. That didn’t happen and she was discharged later on that day.

I have come to realise l need certain things to function on a day to day basis working from home and one of the most important of those features is to NOT be constantly disturbed which is turn damages focus and concentration and leads to the worst types of distraction! This week, l have said to Suze l will accompany her to her various appointments – which means even more disturbance and potential stress. But next week, Suze is going to have to find something which can occupy her time when she is at home!

Suze is now officially signed off work till November – Good grief really??? I can only hope that she finds something to do with her time that she is comfortable doing and more importantly that Scrappy settles down and accepts that Suze is back home again. But of course with dementia be it K9 or human, the one thing that needs to be fixed is /are routines and to keep change to a minimum! So perhaps it’s little wonder that Scrappy is so unsettled of late.

Also on top of everything else, l mustn’t forget that l have seriously cut back on my vaping – this will be having an effect on my mind and make me edgier than normal.

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Every day l am waking up to try to be more positive and  remind myself of baby stepping life. Setting myself ‘little steps’ and working towards getting my positive happy zone back to where it was a month ago.

I am reminded of that quote by Bennett …

“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”

Roy T. Bennett,

Blogging used to relax me, the study relaxed me, writing relaxed me – l was just more relaxed a month ago, and now l am like a cat on a hot tin roof struggling to find my ‘happy zone’. Every time l become calm, l am disturbed again by either Suze or Scrappy.

Scrappy is a completely different dog in the evenings – the dementia isn’t funny and the stress that Suze and l are carrying around is quite immense all by itself. It is hard to describe to those who are not dog owners and more so to dog owners who have never experienced dementia in one of their dogs what your emotion and their behaviour is like.

I am determined to NOT lose the very last of my positivity, but it is hard under the current circumstances. I am not a natural optimist, l am at best a cynical pragmatist, which is why l favour ‘neutralism’ more as it is more achievable and realistic… [He says!!]

However l have started writing up a ‘ Baby Steps Positive List’  which l will tomorrow –  one of the first rules is this .. “Being stressed is a controllable emotion by each and every one of us. – this means we have a choice to be stressed or not. I have to remind myself of this point…………….. a lot!

Anyway – till tomorrow!

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15 thoughts on “Dear Blog – Baby Stepping Life Again

  1. One thing that I really admire about you is your will to get things done and to see them through. You will be okay after this tough time. Get a puppy who will distract Suze and Scrappy both.

    1. Hey Sadje – l ‘ll not let this beat me or us … puppy not yet. Suze and l have said we will wait a few years before we get another dog in our lives, we need to live a little as a couple 🙂

  2. It is a tough time Rory but as you said is up to us to choose to be stressed or not.
    That Bennett’s quote is saying it all!
    Step by step you’ll see you’ll gain back your calm and familiar routine! Take care 😊

  3. I think I am a “cynical pragmatic ” by nature too but I keep trying to maintain an optimistic outlook most of the time.
    I hope Suze feels better soon and you can get back to writing full time.

  4. You will find your new normal within all the craziness. Take care of yourself. You will soon turn it around. Look how much you do. You are one of the most driven and optimistic people I know.

  5. Hay Rory,
    Sorry to hear Suze had to go back to the hospital again, hope she starts getting better soon.
    Ya that vaping less along with everything else will increase your stress and make you more eratable for a while but it will pass, gust try not to have a meltdown in the mean time. 🌹

    ❤️✌️
    BY FOR NOW

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