Dear Blog – Little Prick Reality!
Currently ‘life’ is hard work! Do l mean life l ask myself or do l mean adulting? Maybe l mean ‘Adulting Life?’ Yes, that is probably exactly what l mean – falls more closely in line with “Stop the bloody planet, l want to get off and l didn’t sign up for this shit!” Maybe that’s the statement of the irresponsible adult? I don’t think so, because we ALL have that reflection at times – the wild rebelliousness of our youth screaming OY OY OY!!
Did l want to be this responsible adult today, is that it then? Is that what l mean??
I don’t know, l honestly fucking don’t know! But what l do know is this ….
… I am tired and weary – not so much physically, but mentally. Trying to remain balanced and optimistic even neutralistic is hard work, a mental drain strain! I need a holiday actually, my last three holidays were
December 2014 one week, Boscastle, Cornwall- Suze and Scrappy and l.
A weekend break in 2005 – Hadrian’s Wall – a father son bonding thing, didn’t work!
A five day break in Pompeii, Italy – 1995 with the then wife. Disaster.
I just think l need a break, somewhere relaxing, to chill out!
… I am achy, physically – my shoulder is recovering, but damn it can be painful at times! No pain, no gain, l must and do remind myself of this daily!
… I am becoming drained with Suze being ill for this length of time. That must sound terrible and l don’t mean it to, but with her being home and unwell and the stress of her being home unwell, as well as her time unwell and ill in hospital and her being bored , ill and at home unwell, plus understandably her being ill, unwell, at home, bored, and now ill again again and not recovering …. is very taxing, or maybe l mean straining, or do l just mean it’s fucking stressful?
It’s incredibly stressful when your partner is ill like Suze is at present … really stressful, the worry knocks you for six!
Oh ps, if you are looking for the no swearing version – this isn’t it – sorry – this is the raw uncut and unedited version without those annoying bleeps and blips.
… I am constantly off balance and out of sync with myself, because the dynamic of home life has shifted distinctly and significantly to the negative. Prior to Suze being ill, it was worrying about Scrappy, which was stressful enough. Focusing on rebuilding my shoulder, which was physically stressful. Not being able to write long content because of my shoulder pain and trying to recover my optimism and neutralism was just a hard process but worth it!
I bought an expensive business study course for myself but for Suze also, but it requires a lot of depth concentration and l don’t have that at present , l also ordered courses to further train myself on becoming a life coach for autism and one to one, they also require lots of positive focus – which l am struggling with.
A month ago l was very optimistic despite everything, l had stopped smoking, was vaping, was starting to work positively on my gut health and was very motivated to my writing for positivity! A month later and l am lucky most days if l can hold concentration for anything longer than ten minutes!
I am craving sweet things, l am seriously craving nicotine and l am craving wild abandonment! Trust me there are so many ‘naughty’ things l am craving it’s astonishing! I am like the 26 year old l used to be in a 56 year old mind and body! That’s has to be the psychology taking a battering l guess. Something WE ALL think about at one time or another – when we mentally have had enough!
However, l haven’t strayed into smoking again, or alcohol, or sweets or drugs or women or just plain deviancy! I have my memories … l just don’t have the silence or the concentration to actually write about them!!!
With the dynamic being off kilter, l also have Scrappy’s K9 dementia to contend with. Mummy’s home in her eyes, therefore she can start to pester Suze more, which then has the knock on effect of Suze becoming more frustrated and then l become frustrated because they are both frustrated and frustrating! Scrappy being unbalanced means she is now more buloo crazy during the day which is another disturbance to have to manage.
Suze is unwell again! Somehow she’s picked up a nasty cold and cough, so we are now back to where we were in July when she got back from Australia!? She has only been out of hospital for less than two weeks and now today she is back at the doctors. This week we have a lot of appointments – but her immune system isn’t strong enough to cope with this new virus – so this is more stress. This is turn makes Suze more stressed and unhappier and then l in turn think ‘Gees is there no end to all of this madness?”
I am not trying to come across as selfish, l was ill with my shoulder, but Suze was able to go to work daily, and l was able to continue with my blogging despite the pain – she didn’t have to unduly worry about that much because l was able to keep my mind occupied.
………….. it’s madness here at present …. but l get up every day and think ‘Today is the day that things get better!’
I have two medical tests to complete today as part of the ongoing search into my gut flora. A couple of weeks ago, l attended a nutritionist appointment to try and get a handle on how to recover my gut health after months of being on anti-biotics with my shoulder. I ordered these two tests, one is a blood works tests and the other is a stool test. I have done these things before, but l don’t ever remember the stool test being so utterly complicated and complex!?
I have requested a 40+ Foodprint – meaning that from one stool sample they test my intolerances on 40 plus food types. But that test alone is a three day test filled with tubes and cylinders and all sorts – well okie dokie then!
But the blood test is the one that l am not looking forwards to! Suze this morning said “You have to do that today.” And l was like “Yeah l know, but….”
“What do you mean but?” Suze asked.
“Well l have to lance my finger….”
“Okay, so what’s the problem with that?” She asked, fair question.
“Well it’s the little prick reality thing, l have a problem with.”
“What the fuck is the little prick reality?” She asked.
“Well l have to lance my finger and l don’t like doing that, it freaks me out.”
“You used to slash and hack at your arms in self harming episodes with glass, razor blades and scalpels, and you are concerned with a little clinical prick?”
“Yes, because l never pricked my finger tips – it’s a different level of pain, it’s a very deliberate objective pain – whereas self harming was a different pain again – the latter was to calm pain, whereas pricking yout finger is to cause pain … there is a huge chasm of difference and that is what l mean with ‘little prick reality’ – it ‘s going to hurt more than slicing into my forearm with a 2″ blade.” I answered, a completely baffled Suze.
It matters not, l’ll do it – but the other thing is these tests suggest is to not take the tests when stressed …. l swear these tests have just become more unrealistically prickish in their demands! Next time they’ll be saying something stupid like don’t poo in the vials!
Oh grief – update – Suze is to be admitted into hospital again this afternoon – ‘just for a check up??’ they don’t know yet – why can our NH fucking S not get patient care right?? Why did they release her if she was prone to getting ill again this quickly??