“The Grumblies – Somewhere deep, deep, deep in Europe!”

The Grumblies Directory

THE GRUMBLIES

Series 1 – Episode 5

Somewhere deep, deep, deep in Europe!

Saturday 23rd 11.53am ..

“Please , please take off the blindfolds, you no longer no more need them, please, please, take them off!”  The heavy voice requested.

Albert blinked several times as the bright sunlight hit him full in the face and wide eyed he took in his surroundings and the others. George was just as wide eyed as were both Mavis and Esther and were all looking like startled rabbits caught in the beam of an approaching car. It wasn’t lost on him, that ‘whenever ago’, which now seemed like a lifetime Eddy Bloody Bucket had driven them all to Heathrow in his own minivan.

“Sorry Albert mate, but the er, coach it broke down and ah, so l thought l would step up and take you all to the airport myself, you know, helping out!” Eddy spluttered.

“…. and the other tourists Eddy?” George asked.

“Oh mate, they are already at the airport, don’t worry it’s all set up, if you miss them, you’re bound to meet them in the secret location on the other end.”

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“Where exactly is the secret location Eddy, l seem to have forgotten?” Albert asked

“Worry not Albert, you haven’t forgotten. I never told you, and l can’t tell you now … because um, well it’s called secret for a reason Albert … the reason being it’s secret!” Eddy smiled.

“Oh Albert stop it. This is a surprise holiday that l got for you, where’s your sense of adventure?” Esther chipped in and turning to Mavis, both of the girls laughed, much to the chagrin of Albert.

“Yeah calm down Albert, Eddy was always one for surprises, you know that, remember school?” George joked.

Albert remembered school all too well, and didn’t laugh back. George had obviously forgotten about the so called ‘surprises of Eddy which always resulted in him getting clean away and George and Albert getting their arses stroked by a solid piece of birch by the Head!

“Are you sure we are dressed in the right attire Eddy?” Albert asked looking down at his monstrously oversized walking boots, puffed up padded socks, moleskin trousers and ten layers of shirts, tee shirts and jackets. The four of them when bundled into the mini van with their rucksacks more or less had filled the entire width and breadth of the vehicle!

Eddy side glanced Albert who had insisted on taking the front seat and smirked, “Of course, the holiday starts in Europe, deep Europe, really, really deep Europe, so you need to be protected from the elements like.”

“Elements? What elements Eddy, this is supposed to be a holiday, we are not looking to climb bloody ice capped summits!” Albert had snapped, feeling the nausea rise again and threaten to escape if he didn’t shut his mouth.

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“It’s an adventure holiday Albert, l did explain this to you over and over and over again. Esther, Mavis and George get it, but you me old mucker seemingly can’t grasp it …. it’s an adventure holiday that starts in deep Europe! So, you need padding for the elements.”

Albert decided to just keep quiet.

Eddy dropped them all off at the main entrance of the airport, gave them their tickets, and told them all to go to their required desk at Terminal 4 and once there ask for ‘Good Ol Sal!”

Who turned out to be one of the receptionists at the desk. A desk that seemingly appeared to be miles away from any of the regular desks! Around the desk were four badly beaten up chairs!

Sal, was tall, much taller than Albert had ever seen a woman of her age be? She was wearing a strange flight attendant’s uniform, which looked more like what he would have expected from a pilot of a Spitfire from World War Two in comparison to what the other receptionists wore. She smelled of cheap perfume, whiskey and cigars, which might be the reason behind her dark husky voice…..

“Oh yes!” She gruffed in a voice similiar to something from one of the Chucky films Esther enjoyed watching. “Oh Eddy l do like Eddy, such a playful man isn’t he? Such a charmer, l do so like Eddy!” Both Esther and Mavis nodded their heads in unison.

“He is so lovely!” Esther beamed.

“Well, the holiday starts here ladies and gentlemen, and l am to be your host for the time that you are here. I will personally drive you to your private plane.”

“Private plane??” Albert asked, “What private plane?”

“Oh how exciting!” Esther squealed! “Eddy has made sure we travel in style and privately! Such a sweet sweet man!”

“Oh yes he is…” Sighed Good ol Sal, “He thinks of everything. By the way, l have to give you these, as the location of the Holiday Hostel .. erm, no not Hostel, they have such a bad repuation in Central Europe ever since that awful film, l mean the Forest Hotel … deep, deep in the forest!” With that she handed out four heavy duty black blindfolds!

“What are they for?” It was George this time, finally saying something sensible, a shocked Albert thought.

“To keep the secret location a surprise of course silly!” Sal answered. “It’s all part of the package you have bought and paid for… ha ha no turning back now!”

“Oh l say Mavis, for once you and l and the boys are all going to be blindfolded and crammed into a dark space together on a private plane!” Esther almost screamed in delight, “Eddy was always one for these silly little games!”

Despite Albert’s protests, George albeit only slightly alarmed agreed to the blindfolds and worse than that, agreed on behalf of them all to have them put on there and then!

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At this point, Albert was all for picking up his already heavy rucksack and getting a taxi home … this was all some kind of sick nonsense from Eddy!

“Albert get your arse back here!” Esther yelled. “I paid for this holiday and this is a surprise for you and you ARE GOING to enjoy it! Now if we have to be blindfolded for the secret location, then we are blindfolded!”

Albert stopped dead in his tracks, turned around to see George and Mavis trrying not to laugh and looked at the stern face of Esther. “Yes, my beloved!”

“Right everybody please take a seat … Would you like a drink, something strong maybe, you are going to need it for the flight out!” Sal laughed out loud and upon seeing all of their shocked faces beneath the folds joked again, “ha ha, ha, ha……ha ………..  ha, only joking.”

They all agreed to perhaps a small brandy, which once sipped and taken back, tasted odd, very odd indeed ………………

Albert awoke once during the flight out, to the sound of Sal laughing to the point of almost crying, the stench of cigars, sour and spilled whiskey, chicken poop and the rather sickly sweet smell of maraschino cherries. He had to be dreaming, but the bumps and cricks and clanks and maybe a stuttering engine with the additional smell of burnt diesel and smoke convinced him perhaps he wasn’t … but he was just so tired………….

“Please , please take off the blindfolds, you no longer no more need them, please, please, take them off!”  The heavy voice requested.

The Grumblies – Episode 6 Next Month

A Guy Called Bloke Banner The Grumblies

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