Lost in Complexity


‘Lost in Complexity’.

‘Tis similar to being stuck within a continuous dream,
Not knowing if one fits into the overall scheme,
Chronologically we look as old as we are supposed to,
Then confusion settles in and everything goes askew!
Mentally and emotionally we start to fall apart,
Struggling to understand and even where to start!

Others looking in or from afar,
Stressed to the hilt with our antics, thinking we are bizarre,
Failing to comprehend our very own concerns,
Simply lost are we, knowing there is no return,
Relationships turning from joyousness to disaster,
Unable to remedy simply with a plaster!

Higher in the intellect and intelligence capacity,
Than most credit us with due to their stupidity!
Lack of understanding from those not in the know,
Attaching a stigma to us and placing us up on the plateau,
Of ’best left alone’ and ’leaving them to it’
Making us angry, having to put up with the shit!

Holding many faces within one personality,
Is not a catwalk life for our complex mentality,
Childishly earthbound we are for ever and a day,
Liking it or not, sadly we have no say!
Predetermined like this from before our birth,
Is like God sharing some humourless mirth!

Like you in so many ways, yet never the same,
Constantly lost within the burning flames,
Of the darkness that riddles our minds,
Genetically created from before our starting time,
Blind Complexity that never allows us an inner peace,
And continually to get worse and to never cease!

Socially and emotionally delayed in our maturity,
Is a testing time for us all continually,
Not always easy being mentally aged ten,
Once was enough, but over and over again!
Can be such a seriously stressing strain,
Upon out complex filled brain!

If it was not so damningly serious,
I would laugh out loud deliriously,
All day long and every day for the rest of my life,
Problem is, that it is a life filled with strife!
Constantly wandering amongst fragments,
Of ago, lost in solitude, making so sense!

Tormented by myself in the continued search,
For answers as to what’s and why of this dreaded scourge!
Sure, there are times when l feel gifted,
But of late, this is replaced with the title of misfit!
Never quite fitting into the scheme of things,
Always lost in complexity of misgiving!

© Rory Matier 2009

16 thoughts on “Lost in Complexity

  1. This must have been written before your diagnosis. What we need are more open minds and less of open mouths!

        1. Yes, l was diagnosed in May 2008, the poem was written in June 2009. I had split up from a troublesome relationship in 2009, so even though l was diagnosed it wouldn’t be until the following year, living by myself in a caravan in the middle of nowhere before l was properly allowed to really take the time out to understand the implications of that diagnosis. I was also in a deep depression, and received no further assistance coming to terms with the diagnosis as l was regarded as an elder Aspergian and therefore not awarded the extra help that kids are awarded. So l had to tackle it myself in the early days and it was a deep time trying to come to grips with the full implication of it all.

          All my life l had known there was something amiss, but in 2006 l was also diagnosed with Bipolar, so l had to come to grips with a lot of knowledge without any real knowledge.

        2. A real challenge to handle it all by yourself. I wish that your parents would have helped you. But you did this difficult journey all by yourself and are stronger for it. All the best wishes.

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