Tonight’s The Night!


Tonight’s The Night!

Everything will be ok, l’m pretty sure – it’ll be fine!
Have said that to myself now for the millionth time!
I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
Well, as history displays, quite a lot actually!

Been down this path a few times in my travels,
Misfortune, mishaps, clumsy antics all unravel!
Ousting me out as some kind of rambunctious fool!
Exposing and embarrassing myself like a useless tool!


Be bold and confident, be positive this time mate!
It’s just a quiet romantic dinner date, it’ll be great!

BUT – Why on earth did l make it for just two?
Am always uncomfortable and need the bloody loo!
Fear and nerves strike me like the plague!
Intellectual conversation becomes abstract and vague!
The worries of everything descends upon my mind,
Anxiety strikes and kicks at my behind!

I recall with absolute mortification,
My last dinner date that ended in incineration!
Why did l order that flaming and fiery dish!
Bloody waiter showing off with his cursed swish!
How was it possible, that tiny spark caused so much despair?
Who knew it would land in softy frizzy hair?

Nor did any of us think,
That in that blink ..
She would run around like a headless chicken!
Head alight screaming, cussing and completely stricken!
Swearing and jumping up and down,
Looking like a lunatic tourist from out of town!

Lest l NOT forget the time before that,
That some accidents are not easily arrived at!
And yet, to this day, l ask how did l kick her … there?
All l did was pull out her chair!
Another bloody waiter, behind me, hands completely full!
The cursed chair stuck behind the table leg, a hard pull
Boom, smack and a whack, tray upon my head,
My flailing limbs … everywhere and another date dead!

Oh and do we also remember the scene from that romantic movie?
Some things are not so cool let alone groovy!
“Slipper little suckers!” Indeed, they’re obscene!
Snails they get everywhere and especially in-between!
Crikey, she did have the most amazing pair!
Curious snail thought so too, couldn’t resist landing there!
I tried to assist, with the removal from her bits,
But she was pretty aggressive with my hands on her ..
She wouldn’t have it and called me a perv!
Said l had a long way to go to understand lurve!

I mean, there are just so many problems, l am a klutz,
Oh yes, forgot, that one that was allergic to nuts!
Well thank goodness then, for the waiter,
And his fancy heaves ho movements, quite the creator!
Except poor lass, took her months to recover,
She told me to fuck off, l was not her lover!

I am sure that tonight will be fine and not a jinx,
Because this one is a keeper a right little minx!
It’s been years since my last date, absolute years,
I am older now, matured – push away the fears!
Tonight’s the night, l know it for sure – mate – be strong!
What on earth could possibly go wrong?

Clean underwear, aftershave and odd socks, good signs,
Oh no, look at the clock, l can’t be late, must be on time!
It’s cool, restaurant’s just across the road, no fuss,
Just run across now and fuck is that a bus?

Bollocks! That’s all l can say, my plans gone up in smoke
Hello, who’s that funny looking white robe bloke?
“Panic not my Son, no need for confusions!”
“If it’s any consolation, the tales mightily amusing!”

© Rory Matier 2019

9 thoughts on “Tonight’s The Night!

    1. We don’t go out anymore Sadje – I think at times gets a little embarassed with me, l remember that time with the girl in the Isle of Wight – l didn’t know she had tourettes! Wasn’t my fault!!

      I had never seen Suze go that shade of red before 🙂

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